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Pratique du shadowing : How to Communicate With Confidence & Ease (From Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor)

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  1. Every person you know, every relationship in your life is a repeated sequence of conversations over time.Chaque personne que vous connaissez, chaque relation dans votre vie est une séquence répétée de conversations au fil du temps.0:00
  2. So even if each of those conversations gets a little bit better, this short time that we have on the earth, everything about it is gonna get better.Donc, même si chacune de ces conversations s'améliore un peu, ce court temps que nous avons sur terre, tout ça va s'améliorer.0:06
  3. Communication is everything, everything.La communication, c'est tout, c'est tout.0:14
  4. It's a series of tiny choices that you're making at every moment of every conversation.C'est une série de petits choix que vous faites à chaque moment de chaque conversation.0:17
  5. And you have a four -part framework that helps us communicate more effectively.Et vous avez un cadre en quatre parties qui nous aide à communiquer plus efficacement.0:22
  6. Can you tell me what the four -part framework is?Pouvez-vous me dire quel est ce cadre en quatre parties ?0:27
  7. Yes, very briefly.Oui, très brièvement.0:30
  8. T stands for topics.T signifie sujets.0:31
  9. A stands for asking.A signifie poser des questions.0:33
  10. L is for levity.L signifie levité.0:34
  11. And K is for kindness.Et K signifie bienveillance.0:36
  12. In my class, we do an exercise called never -ending follow -up questions.Dans mon cours, nous faisons un exercice appelé questions de suivi interminables.0:38
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  1. Oh, I have a feel like we're about to do this.Oh, j'ai l'impression qu'on va le faire.0:41
  2. Do you want to try it?Vous voulez l'essayer ?0:43
  3. Yes.Oui.0:44
  4. It's like we're all on these journeys looking for those magical moments of connection, and sometimes they happen.C'est comme si nous étions tous en voyage à la recherche de ces moments magiques de connexion, et parfois ils arrivent.0:47
  5. This is where real power and authority and influence come from.C'est d'où vient le vrai pouvoir, l'autorité et l'influence.0:52
  6. When we think of people who are charismatic and competent, this is what they're doing.Quand on pense aux gens qui sont charismatiques et compétents, c'est ce qu'ils font.0:56
  7. And that's what you're gonna teach us today.Et c'est ce que tu vas nous enseigner aujourd'hui.1:00
  8. That's what I'm gonna teach you today.C'est ce que je vais vous enseigner aujourd'hui.1:01
  9. Professor Allison Woodbrooks, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.Professeure Allison Woodbrooks, bienvenue au podcast de Mel Robbins.1:04
  10. I'm so happy to be here, Mel.Je'm so happy to be here, Mel.1:08
  11. Thank you.Thank vous.1:09
  12. I am so excited to just dig into your research and learn everything that we can learn from this crazy popular class that you teach at Harvard Business School.Je am so excited to just dig into your research et learn everything that we pouvez learn from this crazy popular class that vous teach at Harvard Business School.1:10
  13. But here's where I want to start.But here's where Je want to start.1:20
  14. There is a person listening right now who has no time.There est a person listening right now who has non time.1:21
  15. And yet they found time and made time to be with you and me right now.et yet they found time et made time to be with vous et me right now.1:25
  16. What can the person listening expect to change about their life if they take everything that you're about to teach us and they try it and they put it toquoi pouvez le person listening expect to change à propos de their life if they take everything that vous're à propos de to teach us et they try it et they put it to1:30
  17. use?use?1:40
  18. If they really take what we talk about to heart, I think everything about their life could get better.If they really take quoi we talk à propos de to heart, Je think everything à propos de their life could get better.1:41
  19. Your love life, your relationship with your children, your relationship with your parents, your work, your relationships with your colleagues, what you're able to get done together, everything.Your love life, your relationship with your children, your relationship with your parents, your work, your relationships with your colleagues, quoi vous're able to get done together, everything.1:47
  20. Every person you know, every relationship in your life is a repeated sequence of conversations over time.Every person vous savez, every relationship in your life est a repeated sequence of conversations over time.1:58
  21. So even if each of those conversations gets a little bit better, this short time that we have on the earth, everything about it is gonna get better.So even if each of those conversations gets a little bit better, this short time that we avez on le earth, everything à propos de it est gonna get better.2:05
  22. Wow.wow.2:13
  23. You just said our whole life is gonna get better.vous just said our whole life est gonna get better.2:15
  24. Why does communication matter so much?Why does communication matter so much?2:17
  25. Communication is everything, everything.communication est everything, everything.2:19
  26. So really, you can think of every relationship in your life as this repeated sequence of conversations.So really, vous pouvez think of every relationship in your life as this repeated sequence of conversations.2:21
  27. And if you zero in on each one of those conversations, it's a series of tiny choices that you're making at every moment of every conversation.et if vous zero in on each one of those conversations, it's a series of tiny choices that vous're making at every moment of every conversation.2:28
  28. And we're about to do it right now, Mel.et we're à propos de to do it right now, Mel.2:36
  29. Every moment you're making these choices, what should we be talking about?Every moment vous're making these choices, quoi should we be talking à propos de?2:38
  30. What should I be asking the other person about?quoi should Je be asking le other person à propos de?2:42
  31. When should we be laughing?When should we be laughing?2:44
  32. When should we be crying?When should we be crying?2:46
  33. When should I ask a question?When should Je ask a question?2:47
  34. When should I share something of myself?When should Je share something of myself?2:49
  35. We're making these tiny micro decisions all the way along, and it's gonna determine what we're able to do together, what we're able to accomplish together, what we're able toWe're making these tiny micro decisions all le way along, et it's gonna determine quoi we're able to do together, quoi we're able to accomplish together, quoi we're able to2:50
  36. learn about each other, how we talk is who we are and what we're able to do in the world.learn à propos de each other, how we talk est who we sont et quoi we're able to do in le world.3:01
  37. I love how you framed it, because I was sitting here thinking, I hope that she can help me not have so many regrets, because I think a lot ofJe love how vous framed it, because Je was sitting here thinking, Je hope that she pouvez help me not avez so many regrets, because Je think a lot of3:07
  38. us leave a conversation, and you're like, ooh, I wish I hadn't said that, or oh, I wish I would have brought that up.us leave a conversation, et vous're like, ooh, Je wish Je hadn't said that, or oh, Je wish Je would avez brought that up.3:14
  39. But you're also talking about the power of forward momentum by small shifts in these interactions that we have with people at work, in our love life, in our familiesBut vous're also talking à propos de le power of forward momentum by small shifts in these interactions that we avez with les gens at work, in our love life, in our families3:19
  40. that can change everything.that pouvez change everything.3:31
  41. And you have earned the right to talk about this and to teach us this, because you created and you teach a wildly popular and award -winning Harvard Business Schoolet vous avez earned le right to talk à propos de this et to teach us this, because vous created et vous teach a wildly popular et award -winning Harvard Business School3:33
  42. course.course.3:45
  43. It is called Talk, How to Talk Gooder in Business and Life, and I'm not that good with grammar being dyslexic, but I know that gooder is probably not theIt est called Talk, How to Talk Gooder in Business et Life, et Je'm not that good with grammar being dyslexic, but Je know that gooder est probably not le3:46
  44. right word, but I have a feeling it's intentional.right word, but Je avez a feeling it's intentional.3:59
  45. Why the hell do you call it How to Talk Gooder in Business and Life?Why le hell do vous call it How to Talk Gooder in Business et Life?4:01
  46. I have to tell you, getting that course title approved by the administrator, by the powers that be at Harvard is one of the greatest accomplishments of my professional life.Je avez to tell vous, getting that course title approved by le administrator, by le powers that be at Harvard est one of le greatest accomplishments of my professional life.4:04
  47. It's sitting next to so many serious courses like Democracy in America and Capitalism in Today's Age.It's sitting next to so many serious courses like Democracy in America et Capitalism in Today's Age.4:13
  48. It was intentional.It was intentional.4:19
  49. It has a few different meanings.It has a few different meanings.4:21
  50. Of course, it's grammatically incorrect, which drives some people up the wall, but there's two meanings.Of course, it's grammatically incorrect, which drives some les gens up le wall, but there's two meanings.4:22
  51. A huge part of the course is about balancing gravity and levity, and so I really wanted to signal that in the course title.A huge part of le course est à propos de balancing gravity et levity, et so Je really wanted to signal that in le course title.4:28
  52. We're gonna take conversation, we're gonna take our work very seriously, but in order to do that, we need to also maintain a spirit of play and fun.We're gonna take conversation, we're gonna take our work very seriously, but in order to do that, we need to also maintain a spirit of play et fun.4:35
  53. We have to have fun together, or we aren't gonna feel safe, we're not gonna be able to make progress.We avez to avez fun together, or we aren't gonna feel safe, we're not gonna be able to make progress.4:43
  54. The word, gooder, also, is really rooted in those word, good.le word, gooder, also, est really rooted in those word, good.4:48
  55. We're gonna work towards a goal of kindness.We're gonna work towards a goal of kindness.4:53
  56. We wanna be good people when we're talking to other people, and hopefully a little bit gooder.We wanna be good les gens when we're talking to other les gens, et hopefully a little bit gooder.4:55
  57. So I wanna hear the story behind what made you wanna even create this course, because if you're really thinking about it, you've got Harvard Business School, 11 % acceptanceSo Je wanna hear le story behind quoi made vous wanna even create this course, because if vous're really thinking à propos de it, vous've got Harvard Business School, 11 % acceptance5:01
  58. rate.rate.5:11
  59. Aren't the people going to Harvard Business School already good at communicating?Aren't le les gens going to Harvard Business School already good at communicating?5:12
  60. I know, this is what everybody thinks, and in a way, yes, and in a way, no.Je know, this est quoi everybody thinks, et in a way, oui, et in a way, non.5:16
  61. When I was originally recruited to be on the faculty at Harvard, I was recruited to teach a course on negotiation.When Je was originally recruited to be on le faculty at Harvard, Je was recruited to teach a course on negotiation.5:20
  62. And by the way, the negotiation course at Harvard is like legendary.et by le way, le negotiation course at Harvard est like legendary.5:26
  63. Yeah, some of my colleagues were sort of the founders of this framework that is now taught at every business school, at every law school.Yeah, some of my colleagues were sort of le founders of this framework that est now taught at every business school, at every law school.5:31
  64. It's really an incredible course.It's really an incredible course.5:39
  65. Why were they recruiting you?Why were they recruiting vous?5:41
  66. I don't mean to be rude, but like, what were you doing at the time that made them go, we gotta have Professor Brooks here?Je don't mean to be rude, but like, quoi were vous doing at le time that made them go, we gotta avez Professor Brooks here?5:42
  67. Well, I went to grad school.Well, Je went to grad school.5:47
  68. I went to grad school in a business school at Wharton in Philadelphia.Je went to grad school in a business school at Wharton in Philadelphia.5:49
  69. I was obsessed with humans and people and figuring us all out, and I was a behavioral scientist.Je was obsessed with humans et les gens et figuring us all out, et Je was a behavioral scientist.5:53
  70. And in grad school, I spent my time studying emotions, the way that we feel on the inside, but also how we talk about our feelings with other people.et in grad school, Je spent my time studying emotions, le way that we feel on le inside, but also how we talk à propos de our feelings with other les gens.5:59
  71. And one of the places that I studied emotions was in negotiations.et one of le places that Je studied emotions was in negotiations.6:08
  72. When you put people in these difficult situations, how do they feel?When vous put les gens in these difficult situations, how do they feel?6:13
  73. How are their feelings influencing their behavior and what they're able to do when they're negotiating?How sont their feelings influencing their behavior et quoi they're able to do when they're negotiating?6:16
  74. Well, that's super cool.Well, that's super cool.6:21
  75. So this is your area of expertise.So this est your area of expertise.6:22
  76. You get recruited to go to Harvard Business School to teach this course in negotiation.vous get recruited to go to Harvard Business School to teach this course in negotiation.6:24
  77. What happened?quoi happened?6:28
  78. Yeah, so I was there.Yeah, so Je was there.6:29
  79. I taught negotiation for about four years.Je taught negotiation for à propos de four years.6:30
  80. It's an amazing course.It's an amazing course.6:32
  81. You spend time practicing in doing these role plays of, okay, you're the manager of a factory and you need to negotiate and procure some of these hard things, or,vous spend time practicing in doing these role plays of, d'accord, vous're le manager of a factory et vous need to negotiate et procure some of these hard things, or,6:33
  82. oh, now you're gonna negotiate for a new house.oh, now vous're gonna negotiate for a new house.6:43
  83. Okay, let's do that, let's go practice.d'accord, let's do that, let's go practice.6:45
  84. You do these role plays.vous do these role plays.6:47
  85. You learn great frameworks about how to do it better.vous learn great frameworks à propos de how to do it better.6:49
  86. But even as I was teaching this great class and I could feel that my students were getting so much value from it, I realized that we were missing something.But even as Je was teaching this great class et Je could feel that my students were getting so much value from it, Je realized that we were missing something.6:52
  87. When I think about negotiations, you realize how often am I doing this?When Je think à propos de negotiations, vous realize how often am Je doing this?7:01
  88. How often are you doing this?How often sont vous doing this?7:05
  89. Maybe you're negotiating for a new car, a new house, or a higher salary.Maybe vous're negotiating for a new car, a new house, or a higher salary.7:08
  90. I don't know, maybe once every two months, maybe.Je ne sais pas, maybe once every two months, maybe.7:13
  91. And what I started to realize is like, wait, but we have to talk to people all day long every day.et quoi Je started to realize est like, wait, but we avez to talk to les gens all day long every day.7:17
  92. And I don't think of those as negotiations.et Je don't think of those as negotiations.7:23
  93. That seems like a different nut to crack.That seems like a different nut to crack.7:25
  94. Yeah.Yeah.7:28
  95. And many of our students at Harvard are actually already quite strategic.et many of our students at Harvard sont actually already quite strategic.7:29
  96. So some of the lessons that we're teaching them in negotiation are pretty intuitive to them.So some of le lessons that we're teaching them in negotiation sont pretty intuitive to them.7:33
  97. We're taking strategic people and teaching them to be even more strategic.We're taking strategic les gens et teaching them to be even more strategic.7:37
  98. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.et Je was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.7:41
  99. I think what these people need might be, how do we teach them to be more engaging and fun and funny and interesting and dynamic and more empathic?Je think quoi these les gens need might be, how do we teach them to be more engaging et fun et funny et interesting et dynamic et more empathic?7:43
  100. Where's the course that can help them to do that?Where's le course that pouvez help them to do that?7:54
  101. And there wasn't one.et there wasn't one.7:57
  102. They've tried many ways over the years and none of them have really stuck.They've tried many ways over le years et none of them avez really stuck.7:59
  103. Okay, so you come up with this course called Talk.d'accord, so vous come up with this course called Talk.8:03
  104. Yeah.Yeah.8:07
  105. And based on your research, why is communication so challenging for people?et based on your research, why est communication so challenging for les gens?8:07
  106. Oh my gosh, communication is challenging for a million reasons.Oh my gosh, communication est challenging for a million reasons.8:13
  107. When you think, if you ask me to make a list of the mistakes that people make in conversation, I would go on and on.When vous think, if vous ask me to make a list of le mistakes that les gens make in conversation, Je would go on et on.8:17
  108. We choose the wrong topics.We choose le wrong topics.8:24
  109. We forget to raise the topics that we should talk about.We forget to raise le topics that we should talk à propos de.8:26
  110. We don't ask enough questions.We don't ask enough questions.8:28
  111. We ask too many questions.We ask too many questions.8:30
  112. We're talk too much about ourselves.We're talk too much à propos de ourselves.8:31
  113. We don't focus enough on the other person.We don't focus enough on le other person.8:33
  114. We brag, we humble brag.We brag, we humble brag.8:35
  115. We give backhanded compliments.We give backhanded compliments.8:37
  116. We do all of these things.We do all of these things.8:38
  117. The laundry list is so long, it feels almost insurmountable.le laundry list est so long, it feels almost insurmountable.8:41
  118. And in my mind, I'm like, wait, but people can't keep all of those things in their heads all the time.et in my mind, Je'm like, wait, but les gens pouvez't keep all of those things in their heads all le time.8:47
  119. What they really need is a simple framework that can help them wrap their arms around this vast ocean of complexity that is in every conversation.quoi they really need est a simple framework that pouvez help them wrap their arms around this vast ocean of complexity that est in every conversation.8:53
  120. And when you look under the hood of every conversation, you start to realize how complex it really is.et when vous look under le hood of every conversation, vous start to realize how complex it really est.9:03
  121. And that's what you're gonna teach us today.et that's quoi vous're gonna teach us today.9:08
  122. That's what I'm gonna teach you today.That's quoi Je'm gonna teach vous today.9:10
  123. This simple framework.This simple framework.9:10
  124. Professor Brooks, before we jump into the takeaways from this class and all of the research that you've done on the science of communication, can you just tell me andProfessor Brooks, before we jump into le takeaways from this class et all of le research that vous've done on le science of communication, pouvez vous just tell me et9:12
  125. the person who's listening how exactly does becoming a better communicator impact you for real?le person who's listening how exactly does becoming a better communicator impact vous for real?9:26
  126. Yeah, becoming a better communicator is gonna help you gain and maintain higher status.Yeah, becoming a better communicator est gonna help vous gain et maintain higher status.9:33
  127. What does that mean?quoi does that mean?9:39
  128. When I use the word status, what I mean is likability, respect, power, what the kids these days would call RIS, right?When Je use le word status, quoi Je mean est likability, respect, power, quoi le kids these days would call RIS, right?9:40
  129. It's these people who have high status are the ones we admire that we like that have power in their groups at work, in their friend groups, in their families.It's these les gens who avez high status sont le ones we admire that we like that avez power in their groups at work, in their friend groups, in their families.9:50
  130. And so when you hear me say high status, I'm not talking about like fancy or highfalutin or what social class you're in.et so when vous hear me say high status, Je'm not talking à propos de like fancy or highfalutin or quoi social class vous're in.9:58
  131. Got it.Got it.10:05
  132. Literally in your social group, are you respected?Literally in your social group, sont vous respected?10:05
  133. Do you have power?Do vous avez power?10:09
  134. Do you have influence?Do vous avez influence?10:10
  135. Well, that's everything.Well, that's everything.10:11
  136. Yeah, it's everything.Yeah, it's everything.10:13
  137. Wow, so learning to be a better communicator by really taking all this science of communication that you teach at Harvard Business School and applying it means you'll have morewow, so learning to be a better communicator by really taking all this science of communication that vous teach at Harvard Business School et applying it means vous'll avez more10:14
  138. respect.respect.10:25
  139. You'll have more influence.vous'll avez more influence.10:26
  140. Whether you're talking about in your home with your family or you're talking about with your colleagues or you're talking about in the classroom or the hospital you work with,Whether vous're talking à propos de in your home with your family or vous're talking à propos de with your colleagues or vous're talking à propos de in le classroom or le hospital vous work with,10:28
  141. we're really talking about your ability to not only communicate, but to be respected and admired by your peers and listened to.we're really talking à propos de your ability to not only communicate, but to be respected et admired by your peers et listened to.10:35
  142. That's right, and have a little fun while you're doing it.That's right, et avez a little fun while vous're doing it.10:42
  143. Ooh, all right, well, let's dig in to all of your research.Ooh, all right, well, let's dig in to all of your research.10:44
  144. What do you think is the single biggest reason why most people can't communicate effectively?quoi do vous think est le single biggest reason why most les gens pouvez't communicate effectively?10:48
  145. Probably if I was forced to choose the single biggest reason is our human nature of egocentrism.Probably if Je was forced to choose le single biggest reason est our human nature of egocentrism.10:55
  146. That's a big word, what does that mean?That's a big word, quoi does that mean?11:01
  147. Yeah, self -centered.Yeah, self -centered.11:03
  148. We're self -centered, we're self -focused.We're self -centered, we're self -focused.11:04
  149. Our brains are built for survival.Our brains sont built for survival.11:06
  150. We're focused on what is my perspective?We're focused on quoi est my perspective?11:08
  151. How can I stave off dangers and fears and stay alive and sort of proliferate my own life and protect my family?How pouvez Je stave off dangers et fears et stay alive et sort of proliferate my own life et protect my family?11:11
  152. And egocentrism, that self -focus is good for survival back when we were hunters and gatherers, but in today's day and age, it also holds us back from really connectinget egocentrism, that self -focus est good for survival back when we were hunters et gatherers, but in today's day et age, it also holds us back from really connecting11:19
  153. with other people.with other les gens.11:29
  154. You have to relentlessly sort of fight against your self -centered instincts to really focus on another person.vous avez to relentlessly sort of fight against your self -centered instincts to really focus on another person.11:30
  155. Well, that's true, because you go into a conversation sort of with that default mode of like, what's in this for me.Well, that's true, because vous go into a conversation sort of with that default mode of like, quoi's in this for me.11:38
  156. And if you're thinking about it from what's in it for you, you're probably already starting off on the wrong foot.et if vous're thinking à propos de it from quoi's in it for vous, vous're probably already starting off on le wrong foot.11:44
  157. In a bad place, yes.In a bad place, oui.11:52
  158. You know, I recently read research, Professor Brooks, that every generation is getting worse at communicating.vous savez, Je recently read research, Professor Brooks, that every generation est getting worse at communicating.11:54
  159. Do you think that's true?Do vous think that's true?12:01
  160. I don't know, I don't think every generation is getting worse.Je ne sais pas, Je don't think every generation est getting worse.12:02
  161. I think people, human beings have probably always struggled with conversation.Je think les gens, human beings avez probably always struggled with conversation.12:05
  162. Let me back up for a moment.Let me back up for a moment.12:11
  163. In the book, we talk about conversation as a coordination game.In le book, we talk à propos de conversation as a coordination game.12:13
  164. And a coordination game is any sort of decision you need to make independently between two or more people where you can't communicate.et a coordination game est any sort of decision vous need to make independently between two or more les gens where vous pouvez't communicate.12:17
  165. So the game of chicken is a good example where you're sort of hurtling towards each other and you have to choose do I have your left or your right?So le game of chicken est a good example where vous're sort of hurtling towards each other et vous avez to choose do Je avez your left or your right?12:27
  166. And both people have to choose without talking to each other.et both les gens avez to choose without talking to each other.12:33
  167. They have to coordinate, okay?They avez to coordinate, d'accord?12:36
  168. So a conversation is like this game of chicken except you're making these relentless coordination decisions.So a conversation est like this game of chicken except vous're making these relentless coordination decisions.12:38
  169. You're deciding what are we gonna talk about?vous're deciding quoi sont we gonna talk à propos de?12:44
  170. What am I gonna disclose about it?quoi am Je gonna disclose à propos de it?12:46
  171. How are we gonna talk about it?How sont we gonna talk à propos de it?12:47
  172. Are we gonna be silly?sont we gonna be silly?12:48
  173. Are we gonna be serious?sont we gonna be serious?12:49
  174. Where are we gonna be?Where sont we gonna be?12:50
  175. Am I gonna talk about it at all?Am Je gonna talk à propos de it at all?12:50
  176. Because now when you said chicken, I thought, wait a minute, the person listening, I know me, has somebody in their life they have to deal with that they can'tBecause now when vous said chicken, Je thought, wait a minute, le person listening, Je know me, has somebody in their life they avez to deal with that they pouvez't12:52
  177. quite communicate with.quite communicate with.13:00
  178. It can get very frustrating.It pouvez get very frustrating.13:02
  179. And we don't even think about it.et we don't even think à propos de it.13:04
  180. We just then start to avoid the person that we're having trouble communicating with.We just then start to avoid le person that we're having trouble communicating with.13:06
  181. What do you think all of us get wrong when it comes to communication?quoi do vous think all of us get wrong when it comes to communication?13:10
  182. Oh, so there's this focus on the self which starts you from a place of getting you off on a bad foot and you're often focusing on yourself the wholeOh, so there's this focus on le self which starts vous from a place of getting vous off on a bad foot et vous're often focusing on yourself le whole13:14
  183. way along.way along.13:23
  184. Researchers have sort of found consensus on this idea that failures and perspective taking, being able to understand the other person's point of view and their mind is the singleResearchers avez sort of found consensus on this idea that failures et perspective taking, being able to understand le other person's point of view et their mind est le single13:24
  185. greatest barrier to conflict resolution and to connection.greatest barrier to conflict resolution et to connection.13:35
  186. And that's true at every moment of every conversation.et that's true at every moment of every conversation.13:39
  187. We struggle to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling and what they're gonna say and do next.We struggle to understand quoi le other person est thinking et feeling et quoi they're gonna say et do next.13:42
  188. We rely on our own beliefs, our own opinions, our own feelings to guess how somebody else is feeling.We rely on our own beliefs, our own opinions, our own feelings to guess how somebody else est feeling.13:49
  189. And we're really bad at guessing.et we're really bad at guessing.13:55
  190. You know, I've already learned something which is I assumed and I'm sure we'll get into it that being a better communicator is about you speaking differently.vous savez, Je've already learned something which est Je assumed et Je'm sure we'll get into it that being a better communicator est à propos de vous speaking differently.13:57
  191. And what you're already kind of signaling is, wait a minute, if you can't actually understand that communicating is about connecting with somebody and being able to stop yourself andet quoi vous're already kind of signaling est, wait a minute, if vous pouvez't actually understand that communicating est à propos de connecting with somebody et being able to stop yourself et14:08
  192. truly step into somebody else's shoes and imagine what they might be feeling.truly step into somebody else's shoes et imagine quoi they might be feeling.14:20
  193. If you can't do that, you can't communicate.If vous pouvez't do that, vous pouvez't communicate.14:26
  194. Is that what you're basically saying?est that quoi vous're basically saying?14:28
  195. That's exactly right.That's exactly right.14:29
  196. Because conversation is co -constructed.Because conversation est co -constructed.14:29
  197. It's between two people or more.It's between two les gens or more.14:32
  198. It's not a you thing.It's not a vous thing.14:34
  199. It's completely separate from public speaking, which where it's like one person standing on a stage not getting a response.It's completely separate from public speaking, which where it's like one person standing on a stage not getting a response.14:36
  200. Dialogue is about back and forth.Dialogue est à propos de back et forth.14:44
  201. You take turns speaking and listening and you don't know what your partner's gonna say next but you're gonna have to respond to it.vous take turns speaking et listening et vous don't know quoi your partner's gonna say next but vous're gonna avez to respond to it.14:46
  202. It's co -created.It's co -created.14:53
  203. So it's really not about you.So it's really not à propos de vous.14:55
  204. It's about you plus the other person and what you can build together.It's à propos de vous plus le other person et quoi vous pouvez build together.14:56
  205. I love that.Je love that.14:59
  206. And so you've taken a decade of research.et so vous've taken a decade of research.15:01
  207. And you have a four part framework that helps us communicate more effectively.et vous avez a four part framework that helps us communicate more effectively.15:02
  208. Can you tell me what the four part framework is?pouvez vous tell me quoi le four part framework est?15:08
  209. Yes, very briefly.oui, very briefly.15:11
  210. T stands for topics.T stands for topics.15:12
  211. A stands for asking.A stands for asking.15:14
  212. L is for levity and K is for kindness.L est for levity et K est for kindness.15:17
  213. I realize you take an entire semester at Harvard Business School to unpack the four part framework, but today, Professor Brooks, you are going to teach us this four partJe realize vous take an entire semester at Harvard Business School to unpack le four part framework, but today, Professor Brooks, vous sont going to teach us this four part15:20
  214. framework step by step.framework step by step.15:31
  215. So let's start with the first part, T.So let's start with le first part, T.15:33
  216. T is for topics.T est for topics.15:37
  217. So topics are the things we talk about, right?So topics sont le things we talk à propos de, right?15:39
  218. If I asked you after this recording to look back and say, what did we talk about?If Je asked vous after this recording to look back et say, quoi did we talk à propos de?15:42
  219. You could, your brain would be really good at organizing and categorizing.vous could, your brain would be really good at organizing et categorizing.15:47
  220. Oh, well, first we talked about your course and then we talked about topics and then this.Oh, well, first we talked à propos de your course et then we talked à propos de topics et then this.15:51
  221. So our brains are really good at chunking things into segments, into topics.So our brains sont really good at chunking things into segments, into topics.15:56
  222. Which is so helpful in practice because it means that we can use that ability to steer topics while we're talking to each other.Which est so helpful in practice because it means that we pouvez use that ability to steer topics while we're talking to each other.16:01
  223. But don't you have to be really good at communicating in order to steer the topics?But don't vous avez to be really good at communicating in order to steer le topics?16:10
  224. You do not have to be good.vous do not avez to be good.16:14
  225. You just have to know that it's happening.vous just avez to know that it's happening.16:15
  226. And so I think often when you say, what topic you're going to talk about, people think about the opening topic.et so Je think often when vous say, quoi topic vous're going to talk à propos de, les gens think à propos de le opening topic.16:18
  227. Well, let's put us at the scene.Well, let's put us at le scene.16:24
  228. How would you use the T topic, part of the four part framework, to let's say you're going out on a date.How would vous use le T topic, part of le four part framework, to let's say vous're going out on a date.16:25
  229. Okay, how do you use topic to help you be a better communicator?d'accord, how do vous use topic to help vous be a better communicator?16:33
  230. Anyone who's going out on a date is already thinking about what they're going to wear, how they're going to do their hair, what makeup they're going to put on,Anyone who's going out on a date est already thinking à propos de quoi they're going to wear, how they're going to do their hair, quoi makeup they're going to put on,16:37
  231. what restaurant they're going to meet at, what activity they're going to do.quoi restaurant they're going to meet at, quoi activity they're going to do.16:44
  232. We do all of this prep work ahead of time.We do all of this prep work ahead of time.16:48
  233. Only 10 % of people think about what they're going to talk about once they get there.Only 10 % of les gens think à propos de quoi they're going to talk à propos de once they get there.16:51
  234. You're spending so much time showering and getting dressed and making the reservation at the restaurant.vous're spending so much time showering et getting dressed et making le reservation at le restaurant.16:56
  235. At the same time, you should be thinking about, what are some things that'll be fun for us to talk about once we're together?At le same time, vous should be thinking à propos de, quoi sont some things that'll be fun for us to talk à propos de once we're together?17:02
  236. So topic prep, that's step number one, think ahead.So topic prep, that's step number one, think ahead.17:08
  237. Wow, and you could do that for anything.wow, et vous could do that for anything.17:12
  238. You could do that if you're getting together with your family.vous could do that if vous're getting together with your family.17:15
  239. So if you're tired of the same old, same old with your family, like think about interesting things that you could talk about or questions to ask.So if vous're tired of le same old, same old with your family, like think à propos de interesting things that vous could talk à propos de or questions to ask.17:17
  240. How do you even teach yourself to be good at topic prep if you've never even thought about this?How do vous even teach yourself to be good at topic prep if vous've never even thought à propos de this?17:24
  241. You just have to start doing it.vous just avez to start doing it.17:29
  242. What do you mean?quoi do vous mean?17:30
  243. So a lot of people are very averse to topic prep, especially with people they know well.So a lot of les gens sont very averse to topic prep, especially with les gens they know well.17:31
  244. They feel like they shouldn't need to plan topics for someone that they're very close to.They feel like they shouldn't need to plan topics for someone that they're very close to.17:36
  245. They'll just know what to talk about once they're together.They'll just know quoi to talk à propos de once they're together.17:41
  246. I'm guilty of that.Je'm guilty of that.17:43
  247. Yeah, it's normal.Yeah, it's normal.17:44
  248. A lot of people feel that way.A lot of les gens feel that way.17:45
  249. Which is why we then go, how are your kids and how is work and what's going on?Which est why we then go, how sont your kids et how est work et quoi's going on?17:46
  250. Look at the weather.Look at le weather.17:49
  251. Let's talk about the appetizer in front of us on this table.Let's talk à propos de le appetizer in front of us on this table.17:50
  252. We tend to grab things that are right there in our environment that are easy to talk about.We tend to grab things that sont right there in our environment that sont easy to talk à propos de.17:54
  253. But it doesn't mean it's the right thing to talk about.But it doesn't mean it's le right thing to talk à propos de.17:58
  254. It's not the most fun thing to talk about.It's not le most fun thing to talk à propos de.18:00
  255. A little bit of forethought.A little bit of forethought.18:02
  256. So we have research on this.So we avez research on this.18:04
  257. We've studied people who we ask to even spend 30 seconds, 30 seconds ahead of a conversation brainstorming possible topics that they could talk about.We've studied les gens who we ask to even spend 30 seconds, 30 seconds ahead of a conversation brainstorming possible topics that they could talk à propos de.18:05
  258. Then we let them go and have their conversation versus people who just walk in and have the conversation like you normally would have.Then we let them go et avez their conversation versus les gens who just walk in et avez le conversation like vous normally would avez.18:14
  259. The people who have prepped even for 30 seconds, even if they don't end up raising those topics, their conversation is better.le les gens who avez prepped even for 30 seconds, even if they don't end up raising those topics, their conversation est better.18:22
  260. It's more enjoyable.It's more enjoyable.18:31
  261. It's more fluent.It's more fluent.18:32
  262. You're less anxious.vous're less anxious.18:33
  263. You know those little panicky moments when you're not sure, you know that something's getting boring and you need to switch, but you don't know where to go.vous savez those little panicky moments when vous're not sure, vous savez that something's getting boring et vous need to switch, but vous don't know where to go.18:34
  264. Yes.oui.18:40
  265. That doesn't happen anymore.That doesn't happen anymore.18:41
  266. You've got options like in your back pocket, in your mind.vous've got options like in your back pocket, in your mind.18:42
  267. Oh yeah, if there's a lag, I need to remember to ask about their kid who had tried out for the hockey team.Oh yeah, if there's a lag, Je need to remember to ask à propos de their kid who had tried out for le hockey team.18:45
  268. Right?Right?18:50
  269. So you've always got an option, a backup plan for the panicky moments.So vous've always got an option, a backup plan for le panicky moments.18:50
  270. Turns out it makes the conversation much more enjoyable as well.Turns out it makes le conversation much more enjoyable as well.18:55
  271. You tend to switch topics a little more frequently and you're more likely to land on things that are mutually interesting to everybody involved.vous tend to switch topics a little more frequently et vous're more likely to land on things that sont mutually interesting to everybody involved.18:58
  272. So if the person listening right now is super introverted, very shy and they're now having a panic attack about this idea of I got to come with topics, whatSo if le person listening right now est super introverted, very shy et they're now having a panic attack à propos de this idea of Je got to come with topics, quoi19:05
  273. is the best way to help you become good at doing this if you don't think that this is gonna come naturally to you?est le best way to help vous become good at doing this if vous don't think that this est gonna come naturally to vous?19:16
  274. Totally.Totally.19:25
  275. I think the first thing is don't have a panic attack.Je think le first thing est don't avez a panic attack.19:26
  276. This might be the greatest tool that you've ever added to your arsenal as an introvert in your life because so much of why introverts feel panicked once they're inThis might be le greatest tool that vous've ever added to your arsenal as an introvert in your life because so much of why introverts feel panicked once they're in19:28
  277. social situations is that they don't know what to say.social situations est that they don't know quoi to say.19:37
  278. They don't really want to approach these difficult moments.They don't really want to approach these difficult moments.19:40
  279. Having some topics prepped eases all of that.Having some topics prepped eases all of that.19:43
  280. And once you experience the magic of topic prep in action, you're like, oh my God, this is it.et once vous experience le magic of topic prep in action, vous're like, oh my God, this est it.19:46
  281. I should have been doing this my whole life.Je should avez been doing this my whole life.19:52
  282. For the most part, you know who you're gonna see in a day.For le most part, vous savez who vous're gonna see in a day.19:54
  283. You might know the specific people, whether it's your kids and your spouse and then this set of colleagues and then knowing who you're gonna see means that you canvous might know le specific les gens, whether it's your kids et your spouse et then this set of colleagues et then knowing who vous're gonna see means that vous pouvez19:56
  284. prep topics for all of them in a personalized way.prep topics for all of them in a personalized way.20:05
  285. So walk me through the day.So walk me through le day.20:08
  286. Yeah, okay.Yeah, d'accord.20:09
  287. So we're going through the day, you wake up, you see your kids before they get on the school bus and you're talking to your spouse.So we're going through le day, vous wake up, vous see your kids before they get on le school bus et vous're talking to your spouse.20:10
  288. You can think about ahead of time, what are each of my kids doing today?vous pouvez think à propos de ahead of time, quoi sont each of my kids doing today?20:15
  289. What are their pain points?quoi sont their pain points?20:19
  290. What are they probably feeling excited about?quoi sont they probably feeling excited à propos de?20:21
  291. What are they nervous about?quoi sont they nervous à propos de?20:23
  292. What's going on in their life?quoi's going on in their life?20:25
  293. Do they have banned at school?Do they avez banned at school?20:26
  294. Instead of just being like, remember your trumpet, you could be like, you know, how is banned?Instead of just being like, remember your trumpet, vous could be like, vous savez, how est banned?20:28
  295. What's going on?quoi's going on?20:33
  296. When you're in band, how do you feel?When vous're in band, how do vous feel?20:33
  297. What are you looking forward to about it?quoi sont vous looking forward to à propos de it?20:35
  298. Right?Right?20:36
  299. Like that's gonna be so much more interesting than just like, don't forget your trumpet and they rush out the door.Like that's gonna be so much more interesting than just like, don't forget your trumpet et they rush out le door.20:37
  300. Then you get to work and your colleague who's kind of quiet.Then vous get to work et your colleague who's kind of quiet.20:43
  301. What's the topic that you could bring up with a colleague?quoi's le topic that vous could bring up with a colleague?20:46
  302. Anything.Anything.20:48
  303. I mean, it depends on the colleague, right?Je mean, it depends on le colleague, right?20:48
  304. Let's imagine that it's a colleague that you love and you were thinking about their life.Let's imagine that it's a colleague that vous love et vous were thinking à propos de their life.20:50
  305. They just had a new child.They just had a new child.20:55
  306. I mean, ask about how that's going.Je mean, ask à propos de how that's going.20:57
  307. You know, having a new child is a traumatic and dramatic thing.vous savez, having a new child est a traumatic et dramatic thing.20:59
  308. How's it going?How's it going?21:02
  309. Are you changing so many diapers, whatever?sont vous changing so many diapers, whatever?21:03
  310. Or they had a big, you know, they had a big presentation last week.Or they had a big, vous savez, they had a big presentation last week.21:06
  311. How did it go?How did it go?21:09
  312. What was good about it?quoi was good à propos de it?21:10
  313. What was hard?quoi was hard?21:11
  314. Anything I can help you with on it?Anything Je pouvez help vous with on it?21:12
  315. Now give me one for my mom and dad because I have the same conversation with them over and over and over.Now give me one for my mom et dad because Je avez le same conversation with them over et over et over.21:14
  316. How'd it go?How'd it go?21:18
  317. What'd you do?quoi'd vous do?21:18
  318. How was golf?How was golf?21:19
  319. What are you doing tonight?quoi sont vous doing tonight?21:20
  320. You know what?vous savez quoi?21:21
  321. So my sister just did the most amazing thing for my parents.So my sister just did le most amazing thing for my parents.21:22
  322. She actually used chatGPT to ask to prep topics with them.She actually used chatGPT to ask to prep topics with them.21:25
  323. How do you do that?How do vous do that?21:29
  324. So she typed in to chatGPT.So she typed in to chatGPT.21:30
  325. She was like, what do you think people who live in upstate New York in their 70s who have nine grandchildren, what are the types of questions that they wantShe was like, quoi do vous think les gens who live in upstate New York in their 70s who avez nine grandchildren, quoi sont le types of questions that they want21:33
  326. me to ask them?me to ask them?21:41
  327. What?quoi?21:42
  328. Yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah.21:42
  329. Because, you know, the internet knows that demographic better than we as individuals could possibly know that demographic.Because, vous savez, le internet knows that demographic better than we as individuals could possibly know that demographic.21:43
  330. I can literally hear the person listening tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap about everybody in their life.Je pouvez literally hear le person listening tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap à propos de everybody in their life.21:50
  331. Everyone in your life, you could use it to prep topics.Everyone in your life, vous could use it to prep topics.21:55
  332. You could even say, chatGPT, what do you think this colleague who doesn't really like me because of this reason?vous could even say, chatGPT, quoi do vous think this colleague who doesn't really like me because of this reason?21:57
  333. We got in an argument once about this thing and now they're mad at me.We got in an argument once à propos de this thing et now they're mad at me.22:05
  334. What would they want me to do?quoi would they want me to do?22:08
  335. What would they want to talk about with me, if anything?quoi would they want to talk à propos de with me, if anything?22:10
  336. It's wild.It's wild.22:12
  337. You know, you're really smart.vous savez, vous're really smart.22:13
  338. You should consider teaching a class on this.vous should consider teaching a class on this.22:14
  339. What is the second part of the talk framework for communicating better?quoi est le second part of le talk framework for communicating better?22:17
  340. Yeah, so A is for asking.Yeah, so A est for asking.22:22
  341. OK.OK.22:24
  342. Yeah, ask more questions, ask better questions.Yeah, ask more questions, ask better questions.22:24
  343. Now you're making me panic because I don't know if my question is going to be better.Now vous're making me panic because Je ne sais pas if my question est going to be better.22:28
  344. What is a better question?quoi est a better question?22:32
  345. You're already a great question -asker.vous're already a great question -asker.22:33
  346. I mean, look, you've prepped topics and you're asking so many questions.Je mean, look, vous've prepped topics et vous're asking so many questions.22:34
  347. We're already off to a great start, Mel.We're already off to a great start, Mel.22:38
  348. So what's so funny is a pattern that you might pick up on here is that in every conversation, once you're in it, it's very overwhelming.So quoi's so funny est a pattern that vous might pick up on here est that in every conversation, once vous're in it, it's very overwhelming.22:41
  349. You're making tons of choices.vous're making tons of choices.22:50
  350. You're trying to listen to what the other person is saying.vous're trying to listen to quoi le other person est saying.22:52
  351. You're trying to process it.vous're trying to process it.22:54
  352. You're trying to do this tiny creativity task of how do I come up with something interesting to say back to them?vous're trying to do this tiny creativity task of how do Je come up with something interesting to say back to them?22:55
  353. That's really hard on your brain.That's really hard on your brain.23:02
  354. That's a lot of cognitive effort.That's a lot of cognitive effort.23:04
  355. So anything you can do ahead of the conversation, like topic prep, is helpful.So anything vous pouvez do ahead of le conversation, like topic prep, est helpful.23:06
  356. And any sort of trick that you can have during the conversation can also be helpful.et any sort of trick that vous pouvez avez during le conversation pouvez also be helpful.23:10
  357. And that's why asking questions is such a superpower.et that's why asking questions est such a superpower.23:15
  358. You don't need to have prepped it ahead of time.vous don't need to avez prepped it ahead of time.23:19
  359. All you need to do is listen to what your partner is saying and ask about it.All vous need to do est listen to quoi your partner est saying et ask à propos de it.23:21
  360. Ask more about it.Ask more à propos de it.23:25
  361. Huh.Huh.23:27
  362. Well, how can asking better questions or asking more questions improve connection and make you better at communicating?Well, how pouvez asking better questions or asking more questions improve connection et make vous better at communicating?23:27
  363. Our inability to understand other people's perspectives is a huge barrier to conflict management and connection.Our inability to understand other les gens's perspectives est a huge barrier to conflict management et connection.23:35
  364. The antidote to that is question asking.le antidote to that est question asking.23:42
  365. It is a direct pathway to get what's in your head, out of your head and share it with me.It est a direct pathway to get quoi's in your head, out of your head et share it with me.23:45
  366. In my class, we do an exercise called never ending follow up questions.In my class, we do an exercise called never ending follow up questions.23:51
  367. Oh, I feel like we're about to do this.Oh, Je feel like we're à propos de to do this.23:55
  368. Yes, okay.oui, d'accord.23:57
  369. Do you want to try it?Do vous want to try it?23:58
  370. Yes.oui.23:58
  371. Okay, I'll ask questions and you answer and then maybe we can switch roles.d'accord, Je'll ask questions et vous answer et then maybe we pouvez switch roles.23:59
  372. Okay.d'accord.24:02
  373. Okay.d'accord.24:03
  374. Mel, what did you have for breakfast this morning?Mel, quoi did vous avez for breakfast this morning?24:04
  375. A smoothie.A smoothie.24:06
  376. Oh, what was in your smoothie?Oh, quoi was in your smoothie?24:07
  377. It was this protein powder and a little bit of honey and two lemons that we squeezed and then some water and then zip it up and then slurp itIt was this protein powder et a little bit of honey et two lemons that we squeezed et then some water et then zip it up et then slurp it24:09
  378. down.down.24:19
  379. That sounds so healthy.Ça a l'air tellement sain.24:19
  380. If you had your dream breakfast, would it be this protein smoothie?Si tu avais ton petit-déjeuner de rêve, ce serait ce smoothie protéiné ?24:21
  381. What would be in your dream breakfast?Qu'y aurait-il dans ton petit-déjeuner de rêve ?24:25
  382. It depends on the day.Ça dépend des jours.24:27
  383. I'm a very kind of, picky's the wrong word.Je'm a very kind of, picky's le wrong word.24:29
  384. I'm the kind of person that I eat based on my mood.Je'm le kind of person that Je eat based on my mood.24:32
  385. So some mornings dream breakfast would be scrambled eggs, avocado, kimchi, another day it might be the smoothie, another day it might be something else.So some mornings dream breakfast would be scrambled eggs, avocado, kimchi, another day it might be le smoothie, another day it might be something else.24:35
  386. Amazing.Amazing.24:45
  387. So you like variety.So vous like variety.24:46
  388. Where do you think that need for variety comes from every day?Where do vous think that need for variety comes from every day?24:48
  389. Why would you be happy having the same thing every day?Why would vous be happy having le same thing every day?24:51
  390. I gotta share how I feel.Je gotta share how Je feel.24:53
  391. Tell me how you're doing it.Tell me how vous're doing it.24:54
  392. Tell me how it's going.Tell me how it's going.24:56
  393. It's amazing because I can tell you're really interested.It's amazing because Je pouvez tell vous're really interested.24:58
  394. And so as every question you ask, I'm like, oh, she's really interested in what I have for her.et so as every question vous ask, Je'm like, oh, she's really interested in quoi Je avez for her.25:01
  395. Oh, my breakfast is very interesting.Oh, my breakfast est very interesting.25:06
  396. And so you're demonstrating that saying in order to be interesting, be interested in somebody else.et so vous're demonstrating that saying in order to be interesting, be interested in somebody else.25:08
  397. Exactly.Exactly.25:15
  398. And you know, we both know, we have this common knowledge that I'm doing this very extreme thing.et vous savez, we both know, we avez this common knowledge that Je'm doing this very extreme thing.25:16
  399. I'm asking a follow -up question every time I talked just then.Je'm asking a follow -up question every time Je talked just then.25:21
  400. Yes.oui.25:25
  401. That sounds so extreme.That sounds so extreme.25:25
  402. That sounds like a lot of questions.That sounds like a lot of questions.25:27
  403. And it also, some of my students are like, isn't this manipulative?et it also, some of my students sont like, isn't this manipulative?25:29
  404. If you know that that's what you're gonna do, doesn't that undermine our authenticity?If vous savez that that's quoi vous're gonna do, doesn't that undermine our authenticity?25:31
  405. Is the other person gonna actually feel like you wanna learn about their breakfast?est le other person gonna actually feel like vous wanna learn à propos de their breakfast?25:36
  406. And I'm like, guys, even if you know that's what you're doing, I still really care.et Je'm like, guys, even if vous savez that's quoi vous're doing, Je still really care.25:40
  407. I really wanna hear about your breakfast and your habits and what you like.Je really wanna hear à propos de your breakfast et your habits et quoi vous like.25:44
  408. It's just a nudge to do it a little bit better.It's just a nudge to do it a little bit better.25:48
  409. What if you get really good at asking questions and you notice most people you talk to never ask you a question about you?quoi if vous get really good at asking questions et vous notice most les gens vous talk to never ask vous a question à propos de vous?25:52
  410. Listen, we've all been on that date, Mel.Listen, we've all been on that date, Mel.26:02
  411. We've all been on a date with, we call these people ZQs.We've all been on a date with, we call these les gens ZQs.26:04
  412. ZQs?ZQs?26:07
  413. Zero questions, zero questioners.Zero questions, zero questioners.26:08
  414. My hope and what I wanna say to the people listening is, don't leave a conversation having asked zero questions.My hope et quoi Je wanna say to le les gens listening est, don't leave a conversation having asked zero questions.26:11
  415. But what do you do if you're the one who's just poured into somebody else?But quoi do vous do if vous're le one who's just poured into somebody else?26:19
  416. Yeah.Yeah.26:22
  417. And that it's like crickets.et that it's like crickets.26:23
  418. Yeah, well, as in all things in life, you don't have control over what other people do in a conversation.Yeah, well, as in all things in life, vous don't avez control over quoi other les gens do in a conversation.26:25
  419. Reflecting about what you do have control over, like, okay, well, let's try and shift to a new topic that maybe they're more likely to ask me a question.Reflecting à propos de quoi vous do avez control over, like, d'accord, well, let's try et shift to a new topic that maybe they're more likely to ask me a question.26:30
  420. Maybe we shift to something where you have some expertise and they know you have expertise.Maybe we shift to something where vous avez some expertise et they know vous avez expertise.26:38
  421. So they should ask you even more that you have ask you questions.So they should ask vous even more that vous avez ask vous questions.26:42
  422. So you shouldn't say something insulting back or there's no backhanded compliment that you're teaching at Harvard Business School to say to somebody.So vous shouldn't say something insulting back or there's non backhanded compliment that vous're teaching at Harvard Business School to say to somebody.26:46
  423. I know.Je know.26:54
  424. I know, that was kind of a joke.Je know, that was kind of a joke.26:55
  425. But it is annoying as hell though.But it est annoying as hell though.26:57
  426. It's really annoying.It's really annoying.26:59
  427. It's really annoying.It's really annoying.27:00
  428. I guess you're just saying, make a mental note.Je guess vous're just saying, make a mental note.27:01
  429. I mean, in the context, let's go back to this context of dating.Je mean, in le context, let's go back to this context of dating.27:03
  430. If you're on a date with somebody, they go a whole date, two whole dates, three whole dates, not asking you much at all.If vous're on a date with somebody, they go a whole date, two whole dates, three whole dates, not asking vous much at all.27:06
  431. That could be a legitimate reason to not keep dating them.That could be a legitimate reason to not keep dating them.27:12
  432. Well, why would you?Well, why would vous?27:15
  433. Yeah.Yeah.27:16
  434. I mean, after two dates, they don't ask you a single question.Je mean, after two dates, they don't ask vous a single question.27:17
  435. Yeah.Yeah.27:20
  436. I mean, I think that's a gigantic red flag.Je mean, Je think that's a gigantic red flag.27:20
  437. I left a date in the middle after like 20 minutes once.Je left a date in le middle after like 20 minutes once.27:23
  438. How did you do that?How did vous do that?27:26
  439. I, excuse myself to the bathroom.Je, excuse myself to le bathroom.27:27
  440. I looked right into the mirror and I was like, this is never gonna work.Je looked right into le mirror et Je was like, this est never gonna work.27:29
  441. I can't be with someone for the rest.Je pouvez't be with someone for le rest.27:32
  442. You can't be with someone for the rest of your life who within 20 minutes has made you feel infuriated that they're not interested in you.vous pouvez't be with someone for le rest of your life who within 20 minutes has made vous feel infuriated that they're not interested in vous.27:34
  443. And so that was that.et so that was that.27:42
  444. And we all wanna know, Professor Brooks, when you walked back to the table, what did you say?et we all wanna know, Professor Brooks, when vous walked back to le table, quoi did vous say?27:44
  445. Yeah, I said, this was really nice.Yeah, Je said, this was really nice.27:49
  446. We'll follow up.We'll follow up.27:51
  447. Good luck.Good luck.27:53
  448. And I just, I left.et Je just, Je left.27:53
  449. I did text him later and I did give him the feedback because I did say, you know, I really was, it was a little frustrating that you didn't askJe did text him later et Je did give him le feedback because Je did say, vous savez, Je really was, it was a little frustrating that vous didn't ask27:54
  450. me anything about myself.me anything à propos de myself.28:01
  451. I don't usually do that with people, but in that case, it just seemed like he really needed to know.Je don't usually do that with les gens, but in that case, it just seemed like he really needed to know.28:02
  452. And what did he say?et quoi did he say?28:07
  453. I think he was like, oh, I'm so sorry.Je think he was like, oh, Je'm so sorry.28:08
  454. Well, at least he said something.Well, at least he said something.28:11
  455. Exactly.Exactly.28:13
  456. Wow.wow.28:14
  457. Still no question though, Mel.Still non question though, Mel.28:14
  458. But based on the fact that this is your area of expertise, what do you know about those situations where you're either have a family member or you have aBut based on le fact that this est your area of expertise, quoi do vous savez à propos de those situations where vous're either avez a family member or vous avez a28:16
  459. colleague or a boss or a friend that actually never asks anything about you.colleague or a boss or a friend that actually never asks anything à propos de vous.28:29
  460. Based on the research and your experience, what is the kind interpretation of that situation?Based on le research et your experience, quoi est le kind interpretation of that situation?28:35
  461. There's a lot that holds people back from asking questions and it's not all disinterest.There's a lot that holds les gens back from asking questions et it's not all disinterest.28:42
  462. Sometimes it's again, this self -centeredness.Sometimes it's again, this self -centeredness.28:47
  463. There are some people who don't even think to ask questions because they're so focused on themselves and what's going on in their own mind and what they can shareThere sont some les gens who don't even think to ask questions because they're so focused on themselves et quoi's going on in their own mind et quoi they pouvez share28:50
  464. and dazzle you with.et dazzle vous with.28:57
  465. Other times though, people realize they should be asking questions and they struggle to do it because they're afraid.Other times though, les gens realize they should be asking questions et they struggle to do it because they're afraid.28:58
  466. They're afraid of being too intrusive.They're afraid of being too intrusive.29:04
  467. They're afraid that they ask something that it makes them look incompetent.They're afraid that they ask something that it makes them look incompetent.29:07
  468. Like they should already know the answer.Like they should already know le answer.29:11
  469. And these fears are usually misplaced, but those fears do hold people back from asking questions.et these fears sont usually misplaced, but those fears do hold les gens back from asking questions.29:14
  470. Got it, that is a kind interpretation.Got it, that est a kind interpretation.29:19
  471. Yes, it is.oui, it est.29:21
  472. Where does listening fall into your four -part framework?Where does listening fall into your four -part framework?29:22
  473. Because we've talked about topic selection and asking questions, but what about listening?Because we've talked à propos de topic selection et asking questions, but quoi à propos de listening?29:27
  474. Yeah, it's funny that this framework is called talk because listening is the glue that holds it all together.Yeah, it's funny that this framework est called talk because listening est le glue that holds it all together.29:32
  475. It's so very important.It's so very important.29:39
  476. I know that you have attention challenges.Je know that vous avez attention challenges.29:42
  477. I also have attention challenges.Je also avez attention challenges.29:44
  478. Turns out most humans have attention challenges.Turns out most humans avez attention challenges.29:46
  479. Our minds, our resting state of our minds is in a mind wandering mode.Our minds, our resting state of our minds est in a mind wandering mode.29:49
  480. And so the demand of conversation to try and focus our wandering minds on another person continuously for a whole conversation is incredibly challenging.et so le demand of conversation to try et focus our wandering minds on another person continuously for a whole conversation est incredibly challenging.29:54
  481. It takes a lot of hard work.It takes a lot of hard work.30:04
  482. Some people are better at it than others.Some les gens sont better at it than others.30:06
  483. But if you put in that hard work to be engaged with somebody, even while your mind is wandering, you should get credit for it.But if vous put in that hard work to be engaged with somebody, even while your mind est wandering, vous should get credit for it.30:08
  484. And in our research, we've studied the ways that you can get credit for your good listening.et in our research, we've studied le ways that vous pouvez get credit for your good listening.30:16
  485. By get credit, what do you mean?By get credit, quoi do vous mean?30:19
  486. So get credit meaning you want your partner to know that you've heard them.So get credit meaning vous want your partner to know that vous've heard them.30:21
  487. Oh, God, I feel like you're in the middle of my marriage.Oh, God, Je feel like vous're in le middle of my marriage.30:25
  488. Because I can't tell you how many times I've been in a conversation with my husband and I'm doing something, so I turn my back on him.Because Je pouvez't tell vous how many times Je've been in a conversation with my husband et Je'm doing something, so Je turn my back on him.30:31
  489. And he's like, are you listening to me?et he's like, sont vous listening to me?30:42
  490. And then I pair it back word for word what he just said.et then Je pair it back word for word quoi he just said.30:44
  491. And then we get into this little thing where he's like, I didn't ask if you heard me.et then we get into this little thing where he's like, Je didn't ask if vous heard me.30:48
  492. I asked if you're listening, because I don't feel like you are.Je asked if vous're listening, because Je don't feel like vous sont.30:55
  493. Okay, let's break down listening.d'accord, let's break down listening.30:58
  494. This is so, this is incredibly common.This est so, this est incredibly common.31:00
  495. So listening is three steps.So listening est three steps.31:04
  496. The first step is hearing and seeing your partner.le first step est hearing et seeing your partner.31:05
  497. All of the cues that the person is giving to you, their words, the sound of their voice, their nonverbal behaviors, everything that comes in through your eyes and ears,All of le cues that le person est giving to vous, their words, le sound of their voice, their nonverbal behaviors, everything that comes in through your eyes et ears,31:10
  498. that's the sort of physical part of listening.that's le sort of physical part of listening.31:18
  499. Then your brain does step two, which is I'm gonna think about some of the stuff that I'm hearing and seeing.Then your brain does step two, which est Je'm gonna think à propos de some of le stuff that Je'm hearing et seeing.31:21
  500. I'm gonna elaborate on it in my mind.Je'm gonna elaborate on it in my mind.31:26
  501. Step three is this unique thing that's offered by conversation, which is I can show back to you that I heard you and that I was thinking about it.Step three est this unique thing that's offered by conversation, which est Je pouvez show back to vous that Je heard vous et that Je was thinking à propos de it.31:29
  502. Okay?d'accord?31:37
  503. And that's how we get our credit.et that's how we get our credit.31:37
  504. And that's how you get our credit.et that's how vous get our credit.31:39
  505. So the decades of research on active listening have mostly focused on nonverbals.So le decades of research on active listening avez mostly focused on nonverbals.31:40
  506. So the fact that you turned your back on your husband makes him feel like you're not listening to him, because your nonverbals were sort of incongruent with what wasSo le fact that vous turned your back on your husband makes him feel like vous're not listening to him, because your nonverbals were sort of incongruent with quoi was31:44
  507. going on in your mind.going on in your mind.31:52
  508. Correct.Correct.31:54
  509. Okay, so he's sort of like, well, if you're gonna put in the hard work to actually listen to me, like, why don't you turn your back on me?d'accord, so he's sort of like, well, if vous're gonna put in le hard work to actually listen to me, like, why don't vous turn your back on me?31:54
  510. That makes me feel like you're not, you don't care about what I'm saying.That makes me feel like vous're not, vous don't care à propos de quoi Je'm saying.31:59
  511. Okay?d'accord?32:03
  512. So many decades of focus on these nonverbal cues, making eye contact, nodding, smiling, facing someone, leaning forward as you're talking to them.So many decades of focus on these nonverbal cues, making eye contact, nodding, smiling, facing someone, leaning forward as vous're talking to them.32:04
  513. That's all great.That's all great.32:13
  514. That's like listening 101, all right?That's like listening 101, all right?32:14
  515. So don't turn your back on your husband if you're listening to him.So don't turn your back on your husband if vous're listening to him.32:17
  516. And I'm definitely not gonna swivel this chair while we're talking.et Je'm definitely not gonna swivel this chair while we're talking.32:19
  517. Exactly, we could try it.Exactly, we could try it.32:21
  518. But the listening 201, sort of more advanced, is using your words to show someone that you've heard them.But le listening 201, sort of more advanced, est using your words to show someone that vous've heard them.32:24
  519. So while nodding and smiling and facing someone can be faked, right?So while nodding et smiling et facing someone pouvez be faked, right?32:31
  520. Even if you were facing your husband, you could have been nodding and smiling and not listening to him.Even if vous were facing your husband, vous could avez been nodding et smiling et not listening to him.32:37
  521. The fact that you were able to repeat back exactly what he said, he should be thrilled, right?le fact that vous were able to repeat back exactly quoi he said, he should be thrilled, right?32:42
  522. Like you really were listening to him and you were able to repeat it back, but you didn't make him feel heard in that moment with your nonverbal cues.Like vous really were listening to him et vous were able to repeat it back, but vous didn't make him feel heard in that moment with your nonverbal cues.32:47
  523. Because the tone of voice was snarky.Because le tone of voice was snarky.32:54
  524. I heard everything that you said, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, so that was bad on me.Je heard everything that vous said, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, so that was bad on me.32:56
  525. That's part of it, yep, that's part of it.That's part of it, yep, that's part of it.33:00
  526. But this using your words is really important.But this using your words est really important.33:01
  527. So the best listening often is spoken.So le best listening often est spoken.33:04
  528. It includes repeating back what someone has said to you.It includes repeating back quoi someone has said to vous.33:07
  529. It can be invalidating or affirming them and their feelings, saying like, oh, I'm hearing that you sound a little bit sad about that.It pouvez be invalidating or affirming them et their feelings, saying like, oh, Je'm hearing that vous sound a little bit sad à propos de that.33:10
  530. It makes sense that you would feel sad about whatever, the fact that you didn't win the role in the school play.It makes sense that vous would feel sad à propos de whatever, le fact that vous didn't win le role in le school play.33:15
  531. Just saying that, it makes sense that you feel X about Y is one of the most powerful phrases that you can say to another person.Just saying that, it makes sense that vous feel X à propos de Y est one of le most powerful phrases that vous pouvez say to another person.33:21
  532. Well, one of the most powerful things that I hear my colleagues say at work is, what I heard you say is this.Well, one of le most powerful things that Je hear my colleagues say at work est, quoi Je heard vous say est this.33:31
  533. And this is what I'm gonna do, is that right?et this est quoi Je'm gonna do, est that right?33:36
  534. And then the second I hear that I'm like, oh my gosh, heard.et then le second Je hear that Je'm like, oh my gosh, heard.33:39
  535. Yeah, it's exactly right.Yeah, it's exactly right.33:43
  536. So they're affirming, they're acknowledging what you said, they're affirming what you said.So they're affirming, they're acknowledging quoi vous said, they're affirming quoi vous said.33:44
  537. They're also checking to make sure they've understood you explicitly.They're also checking to make sure they've understood vous explicitly.33:47
  538. Linguists call this grounding.Linguists call this grounding.33:51
  539. It's making sure that your shared understanding actually is shared and it's accurate.It's making sure that your shared understanding actually est shared et it's accurate.33:53
  540. And if it's not accurate, it gives you the opportunity to repair it, to correct it and say, oh, that's not actually what I meant.et if it's not accurate, it gives vous le opportunity to repair it, to correct it et say, oh, that's not actually quoi Je meant.33:57
  541. What I meant was this.quoi Je meant was this.34:02
  542. And we're constantly doing that checking and repairing process while we talk to other people.et we're constantly doing that checking et repairing process while we talk to other les gens.34:04
  543. And so speaking, your listening is so powerful.et so speaking, your listening est so powerful.34:09
  544. Follow -up questions do the same thing.Follow -up questions do le same thing.34:12
  545. You can only follow up if you've heard what they said before.vous pouvez only follow up if vous've heard quoi they said before.34:14
  546. Paraphrasing, if you're in a group and a couple other people have said something, you can say, okay, what I'm hearing here is, I think we as a group feelParaphrasing, if vous're in a group et a couple other les gens avez said something, vous pouvez say, d'accord, quoi Je'm hearing here est, Je think we as a group feel34:17
  547. like we wanna have fun, but we also need to make this hard decision.like we wanna avez fun, but we also need to make this hard decision.34:25
  548. Is that right?est that right?34:29
  549. So just kind of summarizing what people before you have said is another way of doing it in the sort of group context.So just kind of summarizing quoi les gens before vous avez said est another way of doing it in le sort of group context.34:30
  550. Amazing.Amazing.34:37
  551. Since you teach this at Harvard Business School, I would love for you to just explain why this matters.Since vous teach this at Harvard Business School, Je would love for vous to just explain why this matters.34:38
  552. Because it may seem as though listening is important just to be able to connect with people, but it's a really important skill at work.Because it may seem as though listening est important just to be able to connect with les gens, but it's a really important skill at work.34:46
  553. Because if you're in a meeting and somebody all of a sudden is summarizing everything that they heard, you turn and look at that person and they're like, oh, thatBecause if vous're in a meeting et somebody all of a sudden est summarizing everything that they heard, vous turn et look at that person et they're like, oh, that34:58
  554. person's powerful.person's powerful.35:11
  555. Yeah.Yeah.35:12
  556. And so how does the skills that we've talked about so far, topic selection, asking this active listening that demonstrates something, translate to more authority and influence, whether it's atet so how does le skills that we've talked à propos de so far, topic selection, asking this active listening that demonstrates something, translate to more authority et influence, whether it's at35:13
  557. work or it's in your home or it's in a friendship?work or it's in your home or it's in a friendship?35:28
  558. Yeah, this is where real power and authority and influence come from.Yeah, this est where real power et authority et influence come from.35:31
  559. When we think of people who are charismatic and competent, this is what they're doing.When we think of les gens who sont charismatic et competent, this est quoi they're doing.35:35
  560. They are actually listening.They sont actually listening.35:39
  561. They're putting in the hard work to listen to other people.They're putting in le hard work to listen to other les gens.35:41
  562. They're putting in the hard work to think about it and then they are saying it out loud.They're putting in le hard work to think à propos de it et then they sont saying it out loud.35:43
  563. They are saying, wow, I really heard you say this and it seemed like you maybe feel anxious about this thing.They sont saying, wow, Je really heard vous say this et it seemed like vous maybe feel anxious à propos de this thing.35:48
  564. Can you tell me more about that?pouvez vous tell me more à propos de that?35:52
  565. Just being able to do that is incredible.Just being able to do that est incredible.35:54
  566. That is sort of the fact what competence is when we're talking about interpersonal contexts.That est sort of le fact quoi competence est when we're talking à propos de interpersonal contexts.35:57
  567. It's so true.It's so true.36:03
  568. So the four part framework of talk, what is L?So le four part framework of talk, quoi est L?36:04
  569. L is levity, Mel.L est levity, Mel.36:08
  570. Thank goodness.Thank goodness.36:09
  571. It's levity and levity includes moments of humor, but also unfunny moments of warmth and levity is the antidote for boredom.It's levity et levity includes moments of humor, but also unfunny moments of warmth et levity est le antidote for boredom.36:11
  572. Why is humor such a powerful tool if you wanna be better at communicating?Why est humor such a powerful tool if vous wanna be better at communicating?36:21
  573. Yeah, listen, when we think of conversations that have gone off the rails or have not gone well, it's very easy to think of conversations that seemed angry or hostileYeah, listen, when we think of conversations that avez gone off le rails or avez not gone well, it's very easy to think of conversations that seemed angry or hostile36:27
  574. or there was conflict or disagreement because it's so obvious.or there was conflict or disagreement because it's so obvious.36:37
  575. Like you're yelling at each other, you're arguing.Like vous're yelling at each other, vous're arguing.36:40
  576. But what is a quieter killer of conversation and probably more common than conflict is boredom and disengagement.But quoi est a quieter killer of conversation et probably more common than conflict est boredom et disengagement.36:43
  577. We're not interested in what we're saying to each other and as soon as either person becomes disinterested, you can't have that good connection.We're not interested in quoi we're saying to each other et as soon as either person becomes disinterested, vous pouvez't avez that good connection.36:50
  578. You can't make progress anymore and levity, these fleeting moments of sparkle and fizz, they pull us back in.vous pouvez't make progress anymore et levity, these fleeting moments of sparkle et fizz, they pull us back in.36:58
  579. They fix the boredom.They fix le boredom.37:05
  580. Sparkle and fizz.Sparkle et fizz.37:07
  581. How do you create that?How do vous create that?37:09
  582. Because you have some really interesting research about how making fun of yourself really is a powerful thing to do.Because vous avez some really interesting research à propos de how making fun of yourself really est a powerful thing to do.37:11
  583. Can you share a bit of this research for us?pouvez vous share a bit of this research for us?37:18
  584. Yes, yes.oui, oui.37:20
  585. So this is something people think about all the time.So this est something les gens think à propos de all le time.37:21
  586. Should I make fun of myself?Should Je make fun of myself?37:23
  587. Will that make things feel more fun and funny?allez that make things feel more fun et funny?37:26
  588. So you can do it in a way, you can deliver it in a way that it's like self -deprecating humor, you're making fun of yourself.So vous pouvez do it in a way, vous pouvez deliver it in a way that it's like self -deprecating humor, vous're making fun of yourself.37:29
  589. You can also do it in a way that's not funny at all, but you're sharing your whole self, right?vous pouvez also do it in a way that's not funny at all, but vous're sharing your whole self, right?37:34
  590. You're not just talking about your successes, but also the failures and struggles that you encountered on your pathway to success.vous're not just talking à propos de your successes, but also le failures et struggles that vous encountered on your pathway to success.37:39
  591. This is a particularly effective strategy for people who already have high status, who are powerful, who are respected, who are known as competent for leaders.This est a particularly effective strategy for les gens who already avez high status, who sont powerful, who sont respected, who sont known as competent for leaders.37:46
  592. It's a way to say to everybody, hey, look, I'm like you too, I'm a human being.It's a way to say to everybody, hey, look, Je'm like vous too, Je'm a human being.37:56
  593. I don't do this thing, right?Je don't do this thing, right?38:00
  594. Here's some negative feedback that I got on my way to success.Here's some negative feedback that Je got on my way to success.38:01
  595. It's so, so powerful.It's so, so powerful.38:06
  596. It is riskier for people who are low status to use self -deprecating humor or to reveal their failures.It est riskier for les gens who sont low status to use self -deprecating humor or to reveal their failures.38:07
  597. When you're low status, you have a narrower range of options available to you that will be seen, people might actually start to question your competence.When vous're low status, vous avez a narrower range of options available to vous that allez be seen, les gens might actually start to question your competence.38:14
  598. That's why being low status feels so limiting and so constraining.That's why being low status feels so limiting et so constraining.38:24
  599. So how do you, as a Harvard Business School professor, define low status?So how do vous, as a Harvard Business School professor, define low status?38:28
  600. Because I would imagine if we cracked open people's heads, a lot of people are so punishing to themselves.Because Je would imagine if we cracked open les gens's heads, a lot of les gens sont so punishing to themselves.38:34
  601. Totally.Totally.38:43
  602. That they believe that they have a low status based on self -doubt, but what are you talking about?That they believe that they avez a low status based on self -doubt, but quoi sont vous talking à propos de?38:43
  603. So status for scholars is defined as liking and respect and prestige in the eyes of other people.So status for scholars est defined as liking et respect et prestige in le eyes of other les gens.38:50
  604. So it's liking and do people respect me?So it's liking et do les gens respect me?38:58
  605. There's really good news here, Mel, which is every group has a sort of status hierarchy.There's really good news here, Mel, which est every group has a sort of status hierarchy.39:02
  606. People pretty easily know who's high status, who's low status, who's in the middle, but the good news is it changes much more frequently than you think.les gens pretty easily know who's high status, who's low status, who's in le middle, but le good news est it changes much more frequently than vous think.39:08
  607. It changes not only from one conversation or one place to the next, it changes from one topic to the next.It changes not only from one conversation or one place to le next, it changes from one topic to le next.39:18
  608. So imagine you're in a group, you're having a meeting, you're talking about something you don't know anything about, you're low status on that topic and there might be someSo imagine vous're in a group, vous're having a meeting, vous're talking à propos de something vous don't know anything à propos de, vous're low status on that topic et there might be some39:25
  609. raucous experts in the room and that's intimidating and you're like, how can I contribute to this?raucous experts in le room et that's intimidating et vous're like, how pouvez Je contribute to this?39:34
  610. It's a terrible feeling, you feel invisible and marginalized.It's a terrible feeling, vous feel invisible et marginalized.39:39
  611. All of a sudden the conversation shifts to talking about, oh, should we update our maternity leave policy?All of a sudden le conversation shifts to talking à propos de, oh, should we update our maternity leave policy?39:42
  612. All of a sudden, if you're the only woman in the room, you're all of a sudden, you're at the top of the heap, okay?All of a sudden, if vous're le only woman in le room, vous're all of a sudden, vous're at le top of le heap, d'accord?39:48
  613. You have the most lived experience, the most knowledge to bring to this conversation.vous avez le most lived experience, le most knowledge to bring to this conversation.39:53
  614. So even if you're feeling low status on many topics, if all of a sudden it switches to something else, you might all of a sudden become high status andSo even if vous're feeling low status on many topics, if all of a sudden it switches to something else, vous might all of a sudden become high status et39:59
  615. we shouldn't underestimate the value of that when we have value to bring.we shouldn't underestimate le value of that when we avez value to bring.40:08
  616. If you're sitting in a conversation with friends or something at work and you're feeling that low status moment like, I got nothing to contribute, is there a Harvard BusinessIf vous're sitting in a conversation with friends or something at work et vous're feeling that low status moment like, Je got nothing to contribute, est there a Harvard Business40:12
  617. School sentence I can say that is like preemptive, raises my status without revealing that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about?School sentence Je pouvez say that est like preemptive, raises my status without revealing that Je ne sais pas quoi le hell Je'm talking à propos de?40:22
  618. I think the magic trick is asking questions, really.Je think le magic trick est asking questions, really.40:30
  619. Okay.d'accord.40:33
  620. So if you're on a topic and you're feeling like you don't know anything, it's always valuable to ask questions about, even people who know everything about it, it's helpfulSo if vous're on a topic et vous're feeling like vous don't know anything, it's always valuable to ask questions à propos de, even les gens who know everything à propos de it, it's helpful40:33
  621. for them to have a sounding board and someone who's asking questions, they don't know what other people don't know.for them to avez a sounding board et someone who's asking questions, they don't know quoi other les gens don't know.40:41
  622. So sometimes when you're at low status, you're in this privileged position to say, look, nobody here knows what you're talking about.So sometimes when vous're at low status, vous're in this privileged position to say, look, nobody here knows quoi vous're talking à propos de.40:47
  623. Define this for us.Define this for us.40:53
  624. What do you mean by status?quoi do vous mean by status?40:54
  625. Okay, let me just highlight that because the person listening, I really want you to understand this.d'accord, let me just highlight that because le person listening, Je really want vous to understand this.40:56
  626. Do you know the confidence it displays?Do vous savez le confidence it displays?41:02
  627. To be a person who really doesn't understand what people are talking about and to say out loud, hold on a second, you're 15 steps ahead, you've lost some ofTo be a person who really doesn't understand quoi les gens sont talking à propos de et to say out loud, hold on a second, vous're 15 steps ahead, vous've lost some of41:06
  628. us in this room.us in this room.41:18
  629. Can you please back up and explain this because I'm not tracking.pouvez vous please back up et explain this because Je'm not tracking.41:19
  630. Yeah, and it's not always gonna be appropriate, but sometimes it is.Yeah, et it's not always gonna be appropriate, but sometimes it est.41:25
  631. Well, and what that says is, first of all, I value that I'm tracking along and number two, you can trust me because I'm gonna tell you when I don'tWell, et quoi that says est, first of all, Je value that Je'm tracking along et number two, vous pouvez trust me because Je'm gonna tell vous when Je don't41:29
  632. know something.know something.41:37
  633. And number three, I am following with you, but I'm gonna slow you down to make sure everybody comes along.et number three, Je am following with vous, but Je'm gonna slow vous down to make sure everybody comes along.41:38
  634. I mean, that right there?Je mean, that right there?41:44
  635. Yeah.Yeah.41:45
  636. That's how you raise your status because it demonstrates a huge level of confidence.That's how vous raise your status because it demonstrates a huge level of confidence.41:47
  637. Before we get onto Kay, I have one more thing to say to these low status friends.Before we get onto Kay, Je avez one more thing to say to these low status friends.41:53
  638. Yes.oui.41:57
  639. We are with you.We sont with vous.41:57
  640. We have all been low status.We avez all been low status.41:58
  641. Our status changes constantly.Our status changes constantly.41:59
  642. One thing, before we move away from levity, one of the most effective ways to raise your status is to make people laugh.One thing, before we move away from levity, one of le most effective ways to raise your status est to make les gens laugh.42:02
  643. It is, I think we have an instinct that we think of humor as this extra bonus thing.It est, Je think we avez an instinct that we think of humor as this extra bonus thing.42:09
  644. Like, oh, there's that funny guy.Like, oh, there's that funny guy.42:16
  645. He made a good joke.He made a good joke.42:17
  646. We're all laughing.We're all laughing.42:18
  647. That's great.That's great.42:18
  648. Now back to the real stuff.Now back to le real stuff.42:19
  649. When we look at what's really going on with social dynamics in our research, if you can make people laugh even one time in a conversation, they are so muchWhen we look at quoi's really going on with social dynamics in our research, if vous pouvez make les gens laugh even one time in a conversation, they sont so much42:21
  650. more likely to vote for you as the leader of that group.more likely to vote for vous as le leader of that group.42:31
  651. Just one joke, if you just make people laugh, it's just a core determinant of status, earning status, and then keeping it once you've earned it.Just one joke, if vous just make les gens laugh, it's just a core determinant of status, earning status, et then keeping it once vous've earned it.42:34
  652. I love that.Je love that.42:43
  653. So what is the fourth element of your four -part framework for better communication?So quoi est le fourth element of your four -part framework for better communication?42:44
  654. The fourth part is K for kindness.le fourth part est K for kindness.42:50
  655. And it's really this virtue that we all learn as kids so that we should all be kind.et it's really this virtue that we all learn as kids so that we should all be kind.42:53
  656. I don't know about you, Mel.Je ne sais pas à propos de vous, Mel.42:59
  657. I spent my whole life really thinking, like, what do kind people do, day to day, moment to moment?Je spent my whole life really thinking, like, quoi do kind les gens do, day to day, moment to moment?43:00
  658. What are they thinking about?quoi sont they thinking à propos de?43:06
  659. What are they saying?quoi sont they saying?43:07
  660. How are they behaving?How sont they behaving?43:08
  661. And I think one of the great privileges of this new emerging science of conversation is we're figuring it out.et Je think one of le great privileges of this new emerging science of conversation est we're figuring it out.43:10
  662. What kind people who really care about others, how they communicate with the people around them?quoi kind les gens who really care à propos de others, how they communicate with le les gens around them?43:16
  663. So we attack this in a very concrete way.So we attack this in a very concrete way.43:22
  664. So what do they do?So quoi do they do?43:24
  665. Yeah, the first part is using respectful language, right?Yeah, le first part est using respectful language, right?43:25
  666. So as soon as you cross over into that zone where people are feeling hurt or harmed or othered or excluded or bullied, you have lost this kindness goal.So as soon as vous cross over into that zone where les gens sont feeling hurt or harmed or othered or excluded or bullied, vous avez lost this kindness goal.43:29
  667. Yep.Yep.43:38
  668. You've moved beyond it.vous've moved beyond it.43:38
  669. It's gone.It's gone.43:39
  670. And the second piece, again, is this responsive listening.et le second piece, again, est this responsive listening.43:40
  671. So putting in the effort to hear other people caring about what they're sharing with you and showing that you're listening to them with your words and with your nonverbals.So putting in le effort to hear other les gens caring à propos de quoi they're sharing with vous et showing that vous're listening to them with your words et with your nonverbals.43:44
  672. So how can you use this framework with a colleague?So how pouvez vous use this framework with a colleague?43:53
  673. Every time, all the time.Every time, all le time.43:58
  674. I mean, you can use it over email, over text and face to face.Je mean, vous pouvez use it over email, over text et face to face.44:00
  675. Every time you interact with a colleague, you should be thinking, what topics are valuable to them?Every time vous interact with a colleague, vous should be thinking, quoi topics sont valuable to them?44:03
  676. How can I bring value to them?How pouvez Je bring value to them?44:09
  677. What are they gonna find interesting and exciting?quoi sont they gonna find interesting et exciting?44:10
  678. If you don't know ahead of time, you can just ask them, what are you excited about lately?If vous don't know ahead of time, vous pouvez just ask them, quoi sont vous excited à propos de lately?44:13
  679. How can I be helpful?How pouvez Je be helpful?44:16
  680. What can I do?quoi pouvez Je do?44:17
  681. What's going on?quoi's going on?44:19
  682. What are you struggling with right now that I might be able to help with, right?quoi sont vous struggling with right now that Je might be able to help with, right?44:20
  683. It's just incredible.It's just incredible.44:23
  684. How do you use the kindness part with your partner?How do vous use le kindness part with your partner?44:24
  685. Oh my gosh.Oh my gosh.44:28
  686. The thing that makes kindness so hard is that it is effortful.le thing that makes kindness so hard est that it est effortful.44:29
  687. And it's constant.et it's constant.44:33
  688. We have to battle against all of these other things that are draining our resources, especially with someone you live with, right?We avez to battle against all of these other things that sont draining our resources, especially with someone vous live with, right?44:34
  689. You see them all the time.vous see them all le time.44:41
  690. And so it's a big ask to say, well, be kind all the time to this person.et so it's a big ask to say, well, be kind all le time to this person.44:43
  691. Put in all of this effort all the time.Put in all of this effort all le time.44:49
  692. But I think trying to get over our self -centered, our self -focus and really trying to understand what our partner cares about, figure out what they need, whether it'sBut Je think trying to get over our self -centered, our self -focus et really trying to understand quoi our partner cares à propos de, figure out quoi they need, whether it's44:51
  693. just a hug or it's just a cup of coffee, figure out what they need and help them get it.just a hug or it's just a cup of coffee, figure out quoi they need et help them get it.45:02
  694. So if somebody is listening right now and they're in a relationship where the communication isn't working, you're frustrated, you misunderstand each other, everything becomes some stupid thing, what isSo if somebody est listening right now et they're in a relationship where le communication isn't working, vous're frustrated, vous misunderstand each other, everything becomes some stupid thing, quoi est45:08
  695. your advice based on your research on the science of communication?your advice based on your research on le science of communication?45:26
  696. It sounds like that kind of relationship sounds like you're stuck in a bad equilibrium, a bad sort of...It sounds like that kind of relationship sounds like vous're stuck in a bad equilibrium, a bad sort of...45:29
  697. What does that mean?quoi does that mean?45:35
  698. So you're stuck in the...So vous're stuck in le...45:36
  699. You've developed habits in a specific relationship that aren't working for you.vous've developed habits in a specific relationship that aren't working for vous.45:37
  700. Yep.Yep.45:41
  701. And then every time you see that person, you might fall back into that same habits where you're getting defensive, you're lashing out, you're making accusations, rather than these idealset then every time vous see that person, vous might fall back into that same habits where vous're getting defensive, vous're lashing out, vous're making accusations, rather than these ideals45:41
  702. that we're trying to live up to of like, I wanna be interested in you, I wanna figure out your needs and help you, you've fallen into the opposite.that we're trying to live up to of like, Je wanna be interested in vous, Je wanna figure out your needs et help vous, vous've fallen into le opposite.45:51
  703. Yes.oui.45:58
  704. Right?Right?45:58
  705. So there's a couple of things.So there's a couple of things.45:59
  706. One is we talk a lot about the power of apologies.One est we talk a lot à propos de le power of apologies.46:00
  707. And this would be an example when you could say, it seems like we've really fallen into some bad habits where we're really getting defensive or lashing out and arguinget this would be an example when vous could say, it seems like we've really fallen into some bad habits where we're really getting defensive or lashing out et arguing46:05
  708. all the time.all le time.46:13
  709. What would it take for us to sort of shift that?quoi would it take for us to sort of shift that?46:14
  710. How can we get into a different pattern?How pouvez we get into a different pattern?46:16
  711. How can we change our habits with each other?How pouvez we change our habits with each other?46:19
  712. It's gonna require that both people buy into it because conversation is co -constructed.It's gonna require that both les gens buy into it because conversation est co -constructed.46:21
  713. It means that they have to buy in, you have to buy in and you both have to try.It means that they avez to buy in, vous avez to buy in et vous both avez to try.46:27
  714. And if you can't shift out of that equilibrium, that's often when relationships part ways.et if vous pouvez't shift out of that equilibrium, that's often when relationships part ways.46:31
  715. Of course, because why would you wanna be in a relationship?Of course, because why would vous wanna be in a relationship?46:36
  716. It's not rewarding.It's not rewarding.46:39
  717. It's not rewarding, you're both not working on it.It's not rewarding, vous're both not working on it.46:40
  718. I wanna go into some of the most asked questions on a communication.Je wanna go into some of le most asked questions on a communication.46:42
  719. I mean, these are the things that people write in about, they go crazy viral and they wanna know, okay?Je mean, these sont le things that les gens write in à propos de, they go crazy viral et they wanna know, d'accord?46:46
  720. So small talk is so draining.So small talk est so draining.46:51
  721. Everybody hates it.Everybody hates it.46:58
  722. What does your research have to say about small talk and why it matters?quoi does your research avez to say à propos de small talk et why it matters?46:59
  723. For all of the people who hate small talk, you're right.For all of le les gens who hate small talk, vous're right.47:06
  724. It sucks.It sucks.47:08
  725. It's shallow, it's meaningless.It's shallow, it's meaningless.47:09
  726. It feels like there's this alarm bell going off on your mind of like, why can't we get past this?It feels like there's this alarm bell going off on your mind of like, why pouvez't we get past this?47:11
  727. Why can't we get to the real stuff?Why pouvez't we get to le real stuff?47:15
  728. I want, we all want the real stuff.Je want, we all want le real stuff.47:17
  729. How can I get there?How pouvez Je get there?47:18
  730. But also, you cannot avoid small talk.But also, vous cannot avoid small talk.47:20
  731. It's how every conversation starts between strangers, between people who haven't seen each other in a while.It's how every conversation starts between strangers, between les gens who haven't seen each other in a while.47:23
  732. Even people who've seen each other earlier in the day, you usually start, when you see them at night and say, how was your day?Even les gens who've seen each other earlier in le day, vous usually start, when vous see them at night et say, how was your day?47:29
  733. It's a well -worn social ritual and it's important because it's the place where we search for better things.It's a well -worn social ritual et it's important because it's le place where we search for better things.47:36
  734. Okay.d'accord.47:42
  735. It's the easy - It's the warmup.It's le easy - It's le warmup.47:43
  736. It's the warmup.It's le warmup.47:45
  737. It's where we are.It's where we sont.47:46
  738. It's the pregame, right?It's le pregame, right?47:47
  739. It's the warmup.It's le warmup.47:48
  740. And we're searching for ways to get to more meaningful talk.et we're searching for ways to get to more meaningful talk.47:49
  741. We talk about, in my course and in my book, we talk about a topic pyramid.We talk à propos de, in my course et in my book, we talk à propos de a topic pyramid.47:53
  742. Okay.d'accord.47:58
  743. The topic pyramid has three layers.le topic pyramid has three layers.47:58
  744. Okay.d'accord.48:01
  745. The bottom layer is small talk topics.le bottom layer est small talk topics.48:02
  746. These are topics you can talk about with anyone.These sont topics vous pouvez talk à propos de with anyone.48:04
  747. It's the weather, it's the weekend, whatever you're eating, easy stuff that you could talk about with anybody.It's le weather, it's le weekend, whatever vous're eating, easy stuff that vous could talk à propos de with anybody.48:06
  748. Yep.Yep.48:12
  749. They're not evil.They're not evil.48:13
  750. They're not bad.They're not bad.48:14
  751. They are often unrewarding, but they're a place where you should be searching to climb the pyramid to the second tier, which is more tailored talk.They sont often unrewarding, but they're a place where vous should be searching to climb le pyramid to le second tier, which est more tailored talk.48:15
  752. It can be include more disclosure about your own life.It pouvez be include more disclosure à propos de your own life.48:23
  753. It can be more personalized.It pouvez be more personalized.48:27
  754. It might just be a topic you're excited about, has nothing about sharing about your life.It might just be a topic vous're excited à propos de, has nothing à propos de sharing à propos de your life.48:28
  755. You're just, it's something your partner's really jazzed about.vous're just, it's something your partner's really jazzed à propos de.48:32
  756. So this second layer of the pyramid is where your topic preparation comes in.So this second layer of le pyramid est where your topic preparation comes in.48:35
  757. Correct.Correct.48:40
  758. And asking questions come in.et asking questions come in.48:40
  759. You could prep small talk topics too that are more likely to be launch pads to the second layer.vous could prep small talk topics too that sont more likely to be launch pads to le second layer.48:42
  760. So a question like, Mel, what are you good at that you really hate doing?So a question like, Mel, quoi sont vous good at that vous really hate doing?48:48
  761. Picking up the dog poop.Picking up le dog poop.48:54
  762. Yeah, exactly.Yeah, exactly.48:56
  763. Hate it.Hate it.48:58
  764. But I bet you're great at it.But Je bet vous're great at it.48:59
  765. I mean, yeah, because I don't want to step in it, but I don't like it.Je mean, yeah, because Je don't want to step in it, but Je don't like it.49:01
  766. And then I would ask a question like, how many dogs do you have?et then Je would ask a question like, how many dogs do vous avez?49:04
  767. Or like, how often do you have to pick up its poop?Or like, how often do vous avez to pick up its poop?49:06
  768. Or like, right, now we're very - It's amazing how much dogs poop.Or like, right, now we're very - It's amazing how much dogs poop.49:08
  769. Like, it's unbelievable.Like, it's unbelievable.49:12
  770. Absolutely.Absolutely.49:13
  771. Has it ever made you feel like you just don't want dogs anymore?Has it ever made vous feel like vous just don't want dogs anymore?49:13
  772. Yes.oui.49:16
  773. So we're very quickly gonna get to a place where I start to figure out how you really feel about animals, how you really feel about caretaking, how you feelSo we're very quickly gonna get to a place where Je start to figure out how vous really feel à propos de animals, how vous really feel à propos de caretaking, how vous feel49:17
  774. about cleaning up your kids' dirty diapers.à propos de cleaning up your kids' dirty diapers.49:25
  775. Like, we're gonna get to a place that feels much more personal.Like, we're gonna get to a place that feels much more personal.49:28
  776. And that opening question is, that was a small, I could have asked anybody that.et that opening question est, that was a small, Je could avez asked anybody that.49:31
  777. What was the question I got?quoi was le question Je got?49:35
  778. I've already forgotten because I was interested in what we were talking about.Je've already forgotten because Je was interested in quoi we were talking à propos de.49:36
  779. It's interesting, yeah.It's interesting, yeah.49:38
  780. So it was, what are you good at that you don't like doing?So it was, quoi sont vous good at that vous don't like doing?49:38
  781. What are you good at that you don't like doing?quoi sont vous good at that vous don't like doing?49:41
  782. You could also ask, what are you bad at that you'd like to get better at?vous could also ask, quoi sont vous bad at that vous'd like to get better at?49:43
  783. Spanish.Spanish.49:48
  784. Great.Great.49:49
  785. I don't know it, so I'm really bad at it.Je ne sais pas it, so Je'm really bad at it.49:49
  786. Muy bien.Muy bien.49:52
  787. Buena suerte.Buena suerte.49:53
  788. So anyway, so there are open -ended questions that are small talk topics that should be thought of as sort of like launching pads that we're moving to the secondSo anyway, so there sont open -ended questions that sont small talk topics that should be thought of as sort of like launching pads that we're moving to le second49:56
  789. tier that becomes more personalized.tier that becomes more personalized.50:05
  790. I'm learning so much about you in your life so quickly.Je'm learning so much à propos de vous in your life so quickly.50:06
  791. What are you good at that you don't like doing?quoi sont vous good at that vous don't like doing?50:09
  792. Oh, giving birth.Oh, giving birth.50:11
  793. Oh, I guess you popped out three kids, so you're pretty good at that.Oh, Je guess vous popped out three kids, so vous're pretty good at that.50:13
  794. What do I think, what am I good at that I don't like doing?quoi do Je think, quoi am Je good at that Je don't like doing?50:17
  795. Oh man, running, probably.Oh man, running, probably.50:21
  796. I love walking.Je love walking.50:24
  797. I don't love running, yeah.Je don't love running, yeah.50:25
  798. Same.Same.50:26
  799. Yeah.Yeah.50:27
  800. Why do you run if you don't like it?Why do vous run if vous don't like it?50:28
  801. Exactly, because you're hard on yourself.Exactly, because vous're hard on yourself.50:29
  802. I want to be in good shape.Je want to be in good shape.50:31
  803. But I stopped, as I'm getting older, I'm really like, you don't need to do those things.But Je stopped, as Je'm getting older, Je'm really like, vous don't need to do those things.50:33
  804. Nope, especially as your hormones change.Nope, especially as your hormones change.50:36
  805. Exactly, and walking is so lovely.Exactly, et walking est so lovely.50:38
  806. I love walking.Je love walking.50:40
  807. And so now I'm gentler with myself and like it's not a failure to walk.et so now Je'm gentler with myself et like it's not a failure to walk.50:42
  808. Nope.Nope.50:47
  809. It's a win.It's a win.50:47
  810. What is the top layer of the pyramid?quoi est le top layer of le pyramid?50:48
  811. Top layer of the pyramid is deep talk.Top layer of le pyramid est deep talk.50:50
  812. We were getting there, we were getting really close.We were getting there, we were getting really close.50:53
  813. The more follow -up questions you ask, the more likely you are to get to that top.le more follow -up questions vous ask, le more likely vous sont to get to that top.50:55
  814. You know it when you're there, Mel.vous savez it when vous're there, Mel.50:59
  815. I almost pretended to be your therapist.Je almost pretended to be your therapist.51:01
  816. I was about to go deep into that layer so hard on yourself.Je was à propos de to go deep into that layer so hard on yourself.51:03
  817. I'm like, yeah, I don't know if Professor Brooks wants me to go there.Je'm like, yeah, Je ne sais pas if Professor Brooks wants me to go there.51:07
  818. We could, we could do it.We could, we could do it.51:10
  819. But you know when you're at that deep talk with a friend, with a therapist, with your parents, whatever, it's not every conversation is bound to go there.But vous savez when vous're at that deep talk with a friend, with a therapist, with your parents, whatever, it's not every conversation est bound to go there.51:12
  820. You don't need to have a deep conversation with your barista or even your work colleagues.vous don't need to avez a deep conversation with your barista or even your work colleagues.51:20
  821. Because people would file a restraining order against you for really making them uncomfortable.Because les gens would file a restraining order against vous for really making them uncomfortable.51:24
  822. Sometimes it's not their business, right?Sometimes it's not their business, right?51:29
  823. There are some contexts where it's appropriate and called for and magical and somewhere it's not.There sont some contexts where it's appropriate et called for et magical et somewhere it's not.51:31
  824. But when you do find yourself there, you should appreciate it.But when vous do find yourself there, vous should appreciate it.51:35
  825. It's really special.It's really special.51:38
  826. It's like we're all on these journeys looking for those magical moments of connection and sometimes they happen.It's like we're all on these journeys looking for those magical moments of connection et sometimes they happen.51:39
  827. Professor Brooks, what do you do if you're in a situation where someone is dominating the conversation and it's really hard to get a word in?Professor Brooks, quoi do vous do if vous're in a situation where someone est dominating le conversation et it's really hard to get a word in?51:44
  828. Like how do you effectively communicate with somebody who's a bit of a bulldozer?Like how do vous effectively communicate with somebody who's a bit of a bulldozer?51:55
  829. Can I ask you a follow -up question before I answer, which is when you're thinking of people dominating a conversation, it's almost always in a group.pouvez Je ask vous a follow -up question before Je answer, which est when vous're thinking of les gens dominating a conversation, it's almost always in a group.51:59
  830. Are you imagining a group?sont vous imagining a group?52:08
  831. Yeah, I guess I am.Yeah, Je guess Je am.52:09
  832. Because I'm imagining being at like a cocktail party.Because Je'm imagining being at like a cocktail party.52:10
  833. Yeah.Yeah.52:14
  834. And people are kind of standing in a little bit of a circle.et les gens sont kind of standing in a little bit of a circle.52:15
  835. Yep, maybe a work meeting.Yep, maybe a work meeting.52:18
  836. Or a work meeting.Or a work meeting.52:20
  837. Yeah.Yeah.52:21
  838. And of course my fear is that most people that I know think it's me.et of course my fear est that most les gens that Je know think it's me.52:22
  839. I was gonna say, have you been guilty of this yourself?Je was gonna say, avez vous been guilty of this yourself?52:26
  840. Oh, in the past, of course, when I've had too much to drink, definitely.Oh, in le past, of course, when Je've had too much to drink, definitely.52:28
  841. I work hard at listening at work rather than talking.Je work hard at listening at work rather than talking.52:33
  842. That's right.That's right.52:39
  843. And it is hard work, especially for someone who has a lot to say, has a lot of ideas, who is high status or is in the habit of sharinget it est hard work, especially for someone who has a lot to say, has a lot of ideas, who est high status or est in le habit of sharing52:39
  844. what's on their mind.quoi's on their mind.52:45
  845. So I ask you this question because when we think of dominating airtime, it's almost always in a group.So Je ask vous this question because when we think of dominating airtime, it's almost always in a group.52:47
  846. When you are in a one -on -one conversation, we have easier tools to interrupt someone or to sort of plow over them or even a little bit signal thatWhen vous sont in a one -on -one conversation, we avez easier tools to interrupt someone or to sort of plow over them or even a little bit signal that52:54
  847. they're talking too much.they're talking too much.53:04
  848. It's easier.It's easier.53:06
  849. In a group, it's maddening.In a group, it's maddening.53:07
  850. You have way less control over stopping someone.vous avez way less control over stopping someone.53:10
  851. And it's really hard for high status people to give other people that space.et it's really hard for high status les gens to give other les gens that space.53:13
  852. I too have to work very hard to not talk too much in a group setting.Je too avez to work very hard to not talk too much in a group setting.53:17
  853. I got a lot to say and a lot of energy.Je got a lot to say et a lot of energy.53:23
  854. And that takes effort and it's like a skill unto itself to give other people that space.et that takes effort et it's like a skill unto itself to give other les gens that space.53:26
  855. So let's say that you're going to a family gathering.So let's say that vous're going to a family gathering.53:30
  856. And there's a particular person in your family who just holds court.et there's a particular person in your family who just holds court.53:34
  857. Nobody can get in a word edge -wise.Nobody pouvez get in a word edge -wise.53:40
  858. We all know Uncle Pauly.We all know Uncle Pauly.53:42
  859. So based on your research, Professor Brooks, what do you do?So based on your research, Professor Brooks, quoi do vous do?53:44
  860. One idea is going back to the asking, Maxim.One idea est going back to le asking, Maxim.53:49
  861. When you're in a group, you have these opportunities.When vous're in a group, vous avez these opportunities.53:54
  862. You can turn the attention to someone else very deliberately and say, Sarah, I wanted to hear about that basketball team you're coaching.vous pouvez turn le attention to someone else very deliberately et say, Sarah, Je wanted to hear à propos de that basketball team vous're coaching.53:57
  863. What can you tell us about that?quoi pouvez vous tell us à propos de that?54:09
  864. You are able to literally turn the entire group's attention to someone else and to a new topic so that that person cannot continue to dominate the conversation.vous sont able to literally turn le entire group's attention to someone else et to a new topic so that that person cannot continue to dominate le conversation.54:11
  865. And if you're listening and not watching this on YouTube, I want to make sure you know that what Professor Brooks did is she literally turned her body and heldet if vous're listening et not watching this on YouTube, Je want to make sure vous savez that quoi Professor Brooks did est she literally turned her body et held54:21
  866. up her hand and pointed at another person, both verbally and physically, just directing the traffic in a different direction.up her hand et pointed at another person, both verbally et physically, just directing le traffic in a different direction.54:31
  867. And that's what we're doing in groups.et that's quoi we're doing in groups.54:41
  868. We are all directing traffic.We sont all directing traffic.54:42
  869. We are stewards of the conversation, especially non -verbally.We sont stewards of le conversation, especially non -verbally.54:44
  870. So we have some research about eye gaze in particular.So we avez some research à propos de eye gaze in particular.54:48
  871. This is something high status people can do really, really well.This est something high status les gens pouvez do really, really well.54:51
  872. Human beings have a tendency to look with their eyes at the highest status members of the group.Human beings avez a tendency to look with their eyes at le highest status members of le group.54:55
  873. You expect them to speak more, they do speak more, and you tend to look at them for their reactions.vous expect them to speak more, they do speak more, et vous tend to look at them for their reactions.55:01
  874. This makes the low status people in the group feel invisible because they literally are invisible.This makes le low status les gens in le group feel invisible because they literally sont invisible.55:07
  875. Nobody's looking at them.Nobody's looking at them.55:12
  876. And it makes them feel like even when they have something great to say, they shouldn't say it.et it makes them feel like even when they avez something great to say, they shouldn't say it.55:13
  877. They're not welcome to say it.They're not welcome to say it.55:18
  878. No one's inviting them to speak with their gaze.non one's inviting them to speak with their gaze.55:19
  879. So we ran experiments where we had leaders of a group very purposefully make more equitable eye gaze with everyone in the group.So we ran experiments where we had leaders of a group very purposefully make more equitable eye gaze with everyone in le group.55:22
  880. And it meant that later in the conversation, those low status group members were more likely to speak without the leaders saying a word, without them cold calling them andet it meant that later in le conversation, those low status group members were more likely to speak without le leaders saying a word, without them cold calling them et55:30
  881. saying, hey, Sarah, we haven't heard from you in a while.saying, hey, Sarah, we haven't heard from vous in a while.55:39
  882. What's on your mind?quoi's on your mind?55:42
  883. Which is mortifying, by the way, if you call on them in a moment when they don't have something to add.Which est mortifying, by le way, if vous call on them in a moment when they don't avez something to add.55:43
  884. But eye gaze is this much more dental, more subtle way of saying, hey, I see you.But eye gaze est this much more dental, more subtle way of saying, hey, Je see vous.55:47
  885. I care about you.Je care à propos de vous.55:52
  886. I want to hear from you.Je want to hear from vous.55:53
  887. Professor Brooks, how do you handle being interrupted?Professor Brooks, how do vous handle being interrupted?55:55
  888. I love being interrupted.Je love being interrupted.55:59
  889. I mean, like a person who doesn't.Je mean, like a person who doesn't.56:02
  890. So most women, as you know, are interrupted at work and by their families more than men.So most women, as vous savez, sont interrupted at work et by their families more than men.56:04
  891. And so how do you handle somebody who interrupts you?et so how do vous handle somebody who interrupts vous?56:09
  892. So let me make the distinction that you even, we just had a little moment of misunderstanding I want to call out, which is, there are two different types ofSo let me make le distinction that vous even, we just had a little moment of misunderstanding Je want to call out, which est, there sont two different types of56:14
  893. interruptions.interruptions.56:21
  894. One is an on topic interruption.One est an on topic interruption.56:22
  895. You're staying on the same topic.vous're staying on le same topic.56:25
  896. You're just like finishing each other's sentences.vous're just like finishing each other's sentences.56:27
  897. It's bubbling, it's fun, it's exciting, it's great.It's bubbling, it's fun, it's exciting, it's great.56:29
  898. That's a great type of interruption.That's a great type of interruption.56:33
  899. We should do more of that.We should do more of that.56:35
  900. And I love interacting with people who are so engaged in what I'm saying that they interrupt me before I can finish.et Je love interacting with les gens who sont so engaged in quoi Je'm saying that they interrupt me before Je pouvez finish.56:36
  901. That's great.That's great.56:42
  902. Off topic interruptions are the ones that give interruptions a bad rap.Off topic interruptions sont le ones that give interruptions a bad rap.56:43
  903. It's like somebody domineering cuts you off, is clearly not interested in what you're saying, and shifts the conversation to something else entirely.It's like somebody domineering cuts vous off, est clearly not interested in quoi vous're saying, et shifts le conversation to something else entirely.56:47
  904. It's rude, it makes you feel devalued and disrespected, and no one should be doing that.It's rude, it makes vous feel devalued et disrespected, et non one should be doing that.56:56
  905. If someone does that, I would try and make a joke about it.If someone does that, Je would try et make a joke à propos de it.57:03
  906. In the moment, if you're feeling like upset about it, you could be like, well, let me, I was just gonna finish my thing.In le moment, if vous're feeling like upset à propos de it, vous could be like, well, let me, Je was just gonna finish my thing.57:07
  907. You could kind of make a joke about it, because everybody else who's in the group has seen this dynamic now play out, and you're all in on it, arevous could kind of make a joke à propos de it, because everybody else who's in le group has seen this dynamic now play out, et vous're all in on it, sont57:14
  908. you gonna call it out, or are you gonna let it slide, and sort of be happy to sit in this low status position?vous gonna call it out, or sont vous gonna let it slide, et sort of be happy to sit in this low status position?57:22
  909. I'm not happy to sit there, and I really don't want other people to sit there either.Je'm not happy to sit there, et Je really don't want other les gens to sit there either.57:28
  910. What would your counsel be to the person listening?quoi would your counsel be to le person listening?57:31
  911. Because I think most people that it gets done to, you feel so disempowered, you can't make a joke about it.Because Je think most les gens that it gets done to, vous feel so disempowered, vous pouvez't make a joke à propos de it.57:34
  912. So is there something, if you're going to a family function, or you have meetings at work, and you just know that this is a dynamic with a particular person,So est there something, if vous're going to a family function, or vous avez meetings at work, et vous just know that this est a dynamic with a particular person,57:39
  913. that you can rehearse, that not only gives you a response, but actually raises your status, or somehow makes you feel a little bit more powerful?that vous pouvez rehearse, that not only gives vous a response, but actually raises your status, or somehow makes vous feel a little bit more powerful?57:50
  914. Here's what I would do, really.Here's quoi Je would do, really.58:04
  915. I spent so many years of my career in a low status position, and I think one thing I found very comforting is knowing that you have good relationships withJe spent so many years of my career in a low status position, et Je think one thing Je found very comforting est knowing that vous avez good relationships with58:06
  916. the other people in the room.le other les gens in le room.58:14
  917. And so what you could do is go to your work bestie, who's also gonna be there, and say, you know, this guy always cuts me off, it's really upsetting,et so quoi vous could do est go to your work bestie, who's also gonna be there, et say, vous savez, this guy always cuts me off, it's really upsetting,58:15
  918. I don't feel comfortable making a joke out of it, I do not feel comfortable giving him that feedback, but it really is upsetting to me.Je don't feel comfortable making a joke out of it, Je do not feel comfortable giving him that feedback, but it really est upsetting to me.58:24
  919. So I'm wondering if, if the opportunity presents itself, if you could say something, and it doesn't need to be offensive, it doesn't need to be aggressive, it could justSo Je'm wondering if, if le opportunity presents itself, if vous could say something, et it doesn't need to be offensive, it doesn't need to be aggressive, it could just58:31
  920. be like, oh, I'd actually really love to hear what Allison was gonna, I would love to hear Allison finish what she was saying.be like, oh, Je'd actually really love to hear quoi Allison was gonna, Je would love to hear Allison finish quoi she was saying.58:39
  921. Ooh, that's good.Ooh, that's good.58:45
  922. And now you're really collaborating in the conversation, and friends want to do that for you, right?et now vous're really collaborating in le conversation, et friends want to do that for vous, right?58:46
  923. And it's sincere, she probably does wanna hear what you were gonna say.et it's sincere, she probably does wanna hear quoi vous were gonna say.58:51
  924. And by the way, that's an example of tea in the four part framework, which is you just thought of a topic, and you've prepared for it, and now you'reet by le way, that's an example of tea in le four part framework, which est vous just thought of a topic, et vous've prepared for it, et now vous're58:54
  925. ready for it.ready for it.59:01
  926. Professor Brooks, what are some strategies you can use based on your research if somebody belittles you?Professor Brooks, quoi sont some strategies vous pouvez use based on your research if somebody belittles vous?59:03
  927. Oh.Oh.59:09
  928. You know, whether it's like your mom commenting on your weight, or I'm the primary breadwinner, and there are these little digs that family members make at my husband, Chris,vous savez, whether it's like your mom commenting on your weight, or Je'm le primary breadwinner, et there sont these little digs that family members make at my husband, Chris,59:10
  929. like what is the response to belittlement?like quoi est le response to belittlement?59:20
  930. You know what, it's so often that the people we love the most and are closest to are the victims of these little moments of belittlement, because they kinda leakvous savez quoi, it's so often that le les gens we love le most et sont closest to sont le victims of these little moments of belittlement, because they kinda leak59:24
  931. out.out.59:33
  932. Usually when someone is making a belittling comment, it's really not about whatever they're talking about.Usually when someone est making a belittling comment, it's really not à propos de whatever they're talking à propos de.59:34
  933. It's about something deeper, that it's really, it's usually about them, right?It's à propos de something deeper, that it's really, it's usually à propos de them, right?59:41
  934. That they're feeling insecure about something, and they're taking it out on you.That they're feeling insecure à propos de something, et they're taking it out on vous.59:45
  935. This is true of all moments of difficulty and conversation, is for whatever reason, we have the tendency to have these moments that shoot down to these hurtful parts ofThis est true of all moments of difficulty et conversation, est for whatever reason, we avez le tendency to avez these moments that shoot down to these hurtful parts of59:50
  936. our identities.our identities.59:59
  937. When I used to teach negotiation, it was so, you know, when you're negotiating for a house, it's so obviously fraught and hard, but what I find so much moreWhen Je used to teach negotiation, it was so, vous savez, when vous're negotiating for a house, it's so obviously fraught et hard, but quoi Je find so much more60:01
  938. interesting are these little moments in conversations that should be easy and fun, and all of a sudden someone makes a little belittling comment, and you're like, whoa, how thisinteresting sont these little moments in conversations that should be easy et fun, et all of a sudden someone makes a little belittling comment, et vous're like, whoa, how this60:09
  939. was supposed to be fun and easy and sort of routine, what's going on here, that can shoot down to our identities of this sort of hot magma at thewas supposed to be fun et easy et sort of routine, quoi's going on here, that pouvez shoot down to our identities of this sort of hot magma at le60:18
  940. core of who we are in hurtful ways.core of who we sont in hurtful ways.60:25
  941. And in those moments, we tend to be very defensive.et in those moments, we tend to be very defensive.60:27
  942. Yeah, or quiet, quiet.Yeah, or quiet, quiet.60:31
  943. Quiet, silenced.Quiet, silenced.60:32
  944. Attacked.Attacked.60:33
  945. So there's a really exciting emerging science of receptiveness here that can help us.So there's a really exciting emerging science of receptiveness here that pouvez help us.60:34
  946. Scientists, Hannah Collins, Mike Yeomans, Julia Minson have studied what good conversationalists, kind people, how they manage these moments when all of a sudden things get heated, for whatever reason.Scientists, Hannah Collins, Mike Yeomans, Julia Minson avez studied quoi good conversationalists, kind les gens, how they manage these moments when all of a sudden things get heated, for whatever reason.60:41
  947. What do you do?quoi do vous do?60:53
  948. And they looked at the language that people use to confront this, and there's a really concrete recipe of being receptive to an opposing viewpoint that can help so thatet they looked at le language that les gens use to confront this, et there's a really concrete recipe of being receptive to an opposing viewpoint that pouvez help so that60:54
  949. the conversation doesn't escalate and get overheated in that moment.le conversation doesn't escalate et get overheated in that moment.61:05
  950. And it's quite a skill set to develop.et it's quite a skill set to develop.61:09
  951. It makes me feel more confident to engage.It makes me feel more confident to engage.61:11
  952. What is it?quoi est it?61:14
  953. So the first piece is acknowledgement saying, I think I heard you say here, what I'm hearing is, right?So le first piece est acknowledgement saying, Je think Je heard vous say here, quoi Je'm hearing est, right?61:15
  954. So going back to this acknowledgement, affirmation, it makes sense that you would feel that way, like maybe sometimes I'm not doing enough.So going back to this acknowledgement, affirmation, it makes sense that vous would feel that way, like maybe sometimes Je'm not doing enough.61:21
  955. It makes sense that you feel that way, but you saying that also makes me feel a certain way.It makes sense that vous feel that way, but vous saying that also makes me feel a certain way.61:28
  956. But affirming their feelings before you go on to disagree with them.But affirming their feelings before vous go on to disagree with them.61:32
  957. And say, you're a piece of shit for saying that.et say, vous're a piece of shit for saying that.61:36
  958. Now you're not supposed to say that part.Now vous're not supposed to say that part.61:37
  959. No, I mean, I think you can even say that.non, Je mean, Je think vous pouvez even say that.61:40
  960. Like it makes sense that you feel that way.Like it makes sense that vous feel that way.61:42
  961. And also it's not a particularly kind.et also it's not a particularly kind.61:44
  962. You can see why I would be upset by it.vous pouvez see why Je would be upset by it.61:46
  963. It both can be true, right?It both pouvez be true, right?61:48
  964. It makes sense that you feel this way.It makes sense that vous feel this way.61:50
  965. It makes sense that you're stressed or tired.It makes sense that vous're stressed or tired.61:51
  966. And you said something that you probably wouldn't say, if you were not stressed or tired, that all makes sense.et vous said something that vous probably wouldn't say, if vous were not stressed or tired, that all makes sense.61:53
  967. I realize you're a human being, and I love and respect you.Je realize vous're a human being, et Je love et respect vous.61:58
  968. But also what you just said was hurtful to me.But also quoi vous just said was hurtful to me.62:01
  969. If you can come with that mindset, so acknowledgement, affirmation, positive framing, there are words that they call, oh gosh, it's like dogmatic or explaining words.If vous pouvez come with that mindset, so acknowledgement, affirmation, positive framing, there sont words that they call, oh gosh, it's like dogmatic or explaining words.62:04
  970. So words like because and therefore are very hard to be on the receiving end of that are expressed too much certainty.So words like because et therefore sont very hard to be on le receiving end of that sont expressed too much certainty.62:16
  971. Like you're wrong because of this, therefore I'm not talking to you anymore.Like vous're wrong because of this, therefore Je'm not talking to vous anymore.62:24
  972. Those are escalation words.Those sont escalation words.62:29
  973. They're expressing too much certainty, too much sort of righteousness.They're expressing too much certainty, too much sort of righteousness.62:31
  974. And they're very hard to hear on the other end.et they're very hard to hear on le other end.62:35
  975. There's a strategy that I like to use that combines all of these receptiveness, all the receptiveness language.There's a strategy that Je like to use that combines all of these receptiveness, all le receptiveness language.62:38
  976. And that's dividing yourself into multiple parts in the moment.et that's dividing yourself into multiple parts in le moment.62:44
  977. Let me give you an example.Let me give vous an example.62:47
  978. Because I think this is something a lot of people struggle with.Because Je think this est something a lot of les gens struggle with.62:48
  979. Let's just say that it's coming from a place of concern, but it is some sort of comment like, I just don't understand why you can't meet somebody.Let's just say that it's coming from a place of concern, but it est some sort of comment like, Je just don't understand why vous pouvez't meet somebody.62:50
  980. Or why do you stay in that job when they don't pay you what you deserve?Or why do vous stay in that job when they don't pay vous quoi vous deserve?63:05
  981. Yeah.Yeah.63:10
  982. And you know what's funny?et vous savez quoi's funny?63:11
  983. These comments that are so hurtful, it's coming from a place of love.These comments that sont so hurtful, it's coming from a place of love.63:12
  984. They want you to meet somebody because they want you to be happy and they think you're great.They want vous to meet somebody because they want vous to be happy et they think vous're great.63:17
  985. But it's still annoying that they're saying it.But it's still annoying that they're saying it.63:20
  986. And so how do I use this framework?et so how do Je use this framework?63:22
  987. If I'm saying to you, like why haven't you met somebody?If Je'm saying to vous, like why haven't vous met somebody?63:23
  988. I just don't understand it.Je just don't understand it.63:26
  989. So you in that moment could say, as your daughter, I am so grateful that you love me so much, that you want me to meet somebody.So vous in that moment could say, as your daughter, Je am so grateful that vous love me so much, that vous want me to meet somebody.63:27
  990. And you think I'm so great that I deserve to be with somebody.et vous think Je'm so great that Je deserve to be with somebody.63:35
  991. At the same time, putting on my whatever, therapist hat, friend hat, feedback giver hat, you could see why maybe that, like saying this to me isn't actually that helpfulAt le same time, putting on my whatever, therapist hat, friend hat, feedback giver hat, vous could see why maybe that, like saying this to me isn't actually that helpful63:38
  992. to me in this moment.to me in this moment.63:49
  993. So saying like affirming them before then going on and saying, also, I don't find that very motivating.So saying like affirming them before then going on et saying, also, Je don't find that very motivating.63:50
  994. Like I don't find this very helpful to me.Like Je don't find this very helpful to me.63:57
  995. I find this dividing yourself into multiple parts so helpful because it's true.Je find this dividing yourself into multiple parts so helpful because it's true.64:00
  996. I always feel that way.Je always feel that way.64:05
  997. I always want to support my friends and loved ones.Je always want to support my friends et loved ones.64:06
  998. I always understand where they're coming from and also what they're saying is often not nice.Je always understand where they're coming from et also quoi they're saying est often not nice.64:08
  999. So being able to express both of those sentiments within the same breath can be really, really empowering.So being able to express both of those sentiments within le same breath pouvez be really, really empowering.64:17
  1000. And if you're gonna be going into a situation where somebody does this a lot, you can kind of prepare.et if vous're gonna be going into a situation where somebody does this a lot, vous pouvez kind of prepare.64:24
  1001. Yes, you can.oui, vous pouvez.64:29
  1002. And know that if they say this thing, whether it's about your job or about your health or about your relationship status that you can acknowledge and then go, andet know that if they say this thing, whether it's à propos de your job or à propos de your health or à propos de your relationship status that vous pouvez acknowledge et then go, et64:30
  1003. not that helpful.not that helpful.64:40
  1004. Not that helpful.Not that helpful.64:41
  1005. Now, if it's somebody who you've tried this approach, you've tried to give them this feedback, they keep doing it or they keep raising topics you don't want to argueNow, if it's somebody who vous've tried this approach, vous've tried to give them this feedback, they keep doing it or they keep raising topics vous don't want to argue64:43
  1006. over, it is actually okay to not engage with them about it.over, it est actually d'accord to not engage with them à propos de it.64:51
  1007. If your parents keep bringing up their different political views, you don't have to engage with them about it.If your parents keep bringing up their different political views, vous don't avez to engage with them à propos de it.64:54
  1008. That's fine.That's fine.64:59
  1009. You don't have to help out.vous don't avez to help out.64:59
  1010. But how do you using the science of communication do that without just being like, I agree to disagree.But how do vous using le science of communication do that without just being like, Je agree to disagree.65:00
  1011. I guess we see things differently.Je guess we see things differently.65:06
  1012. No, seriously, there's so much stonewalling of each other.non, seriously, there's so much stonewalling of each other.65:08
  1013. It helps to have, again, back to this T, if you have other good topics, it helps a lot to just move quickly to a different topic that is actuallyIt helps to avez, again, back to this T, if vous avez other good topics, it helps a lot to just move quickly to a different topic that est actually65:13
  1014. mutually rewarding for you instead of proliferating on this.mutually rewarding for vous instead of proliferating on this.65:21
  1015. I don't want to talk about this or arguing, are you, no, no, no, just shift.Je don't want to talk à propos de this or arguing, sont vous, non, non, non, just shift.65:26
  1016. Like, hey, what TV show are you watching these?Like, hey, quoi TV show sont vous watching these?65:29
  1017. I've been watching this really cool TV show.Je've been watching this really cool TV show.65:31
  1018. Can I tell you about it?pouvez Je tell vous à propos de it?65:32
  1019. So direct the traffic in a different direction.So direct le traffic in a different direction.65:33
  1020. Exactly.Exactly.65:35
  1021. What does the science of conversation say about someone who's very argumentative or raised their tone of voice?quoi does le science of conversation say à propos de someone who's very argumentative or raised their tone of voice?65:35
  1022. What should you do if somebody starts yelling at you or they're like, I used to be, you get aggravated and you're like, ah, and the volume goes up.quoi should vous do if somebody starts yelling at vous or they're like, Je used to be, vous get aggravated et vous're like, ah, et le volume goes up.65:42
  1023. Yeah, so we talk about this wheel of feelings.Yeah, so we talk à propos de this wheel of feelings.65:50
  1024. I've done so much research on these high arousal emotions, negative emotions, whether it's anxiety or anger or just being upset.Je've done so much research on these high arousal emotions, negative emotions, whether it's anxiety or anger or just being upset.65:53
  1025. There are lots of emotion regulation strategies that you can use during a conversation as well.There sont lots of emotion regulation strategies that vous pouvez use during a conversation as well.66:02
  1026. You can try and just shift, reframe the situation, change the situation.vous pouvez try et just shift, reframe le situation, change le situation.66:08
  1027. Is it okay to ever just say, I'm happy to talk to you, but not when you use this tone of voice?est it d'accord to ever just say, Je'm happy to talk to vous, but not when vous use this tone of voice?66:12
  1028. Yeah, therapists will often talk about getting into this sort of like green zone and it can take like 20 minutes for your body to calm down.Yeah, therapists allez often talk à propos de getting into this sort of like green zone et it pouvez take like 20 minutes for your body to calm down.66:18
  1029. Once someone is upset, it's almost like too late.Once someone est upset, it's almost like too late.66:25
  1030. It's very hard to engage once someone is angry or overheated.It's very hard to engage once someone est angry or overheated.66:28
  1031. Yeah.Yeah.66:32
  1032. Is there just saying like, let's just take a time out, let's calm down a little bit, let's circle back to this in a little bit when we're both okay,est there just saying like, let's just take a time out, let's calm down a little bit, let's circle back to this in a little bit when we're both d'accord,66:33
  1033. let's take a break.let's take a break.66:39
  1034. And that's exactly right.et that's exactly right.66:40
  1035. It's easy to do in a conversation, you can change it, let's go for a walk.It's easy to do in a conversation, vous pouvez change it, let's go for a walk.66:42
  1036. Let's go to different room.Let's go to different room.66:46
  1037. I'm gonna go get a drink and then I'm gonna come back.Je'm gonna go get a drink et then Je'm gonna come back.66:47
  1038. A very stiff one.A very stiff one.66:50
  1039. A very stiff drink.A very stiff drink.66:51
  1040. I'm just gonna make it worse.Je'm just gonna make it worse.66:52
  1041. I come back and let's pick this up or even see if you wanna keep talking about it by then.Je come back et let's pick this up or even see if vous wanna keep talking à propos de it by then.66:53
  1042. How can you make it sure that you always have something interesting to talk about?How pouvez vous make it sure that vous always avez something interesting to talk à propos de?66:59
  1043. Oh, so two answers to this.Oh, so two answers to this.67:04
  1044. First, as always, topic prep is your friend, right?First, as always, topic prep est your friend, right?67:07
  1045. So thinking ahead about things that the other person will find interesting or exciting to talk about.So thinking ahead à propos de things that le other person allez find interesting or exciting to talk à propos de.67:11
  1046. But the second part of my answer is that it's almost the wrong question.But le second part of my answer est that it's almost le wrong question.67:16
  1047. That's the wrong mindset.That's le wrong mindset.67:19
  1048. The key to being a good conversationalist is not about being interesting, it's about being interested in the other person.le key to being a good conversationalist est not à propos de being interesting, it's à propos de being interested in le other person.67:21
  1049. So if you go in with this mindset of like, how do I be Mr.So if vous go in with this mindset of like, how do Je be Mr.67:28
  1050. or Mrs.or Mrs.67:32
  1051. Cool?Cool?67:33
  1052. How do I be charismatic?How do Je be charismatic?67:33
  1053. How do I bring all the funny stories?How do Je bring all le funny stories?67:34
  1054. Even the mindset of how do I be funny is not correct.Even le mindset of how do Je be funny est not correct.67:36
  1055. The goal is how do I be optimally interested in the other person?le goal est how do Je be optimally interested in le other person?67:39
  1056. How do we together find the fun?How do we together find le fun?67:43
  1057. Not how do I be funny.Not how do Je be funny.67:46
  1058. And that feels a lot less full of pressure because if I look at you as the source of everything interesting to talk about, then all I have to doet that feels a lot less full of pressure because if Je look at vous as le source of everything interesting to talk à propos de, then all Je avez to do67:47
  1059. is ask questions and be interested.est ask questions et be interested.67:55
  1060. And every person on the earth is the ultimate source of being.et every person on le earth est le ultimate source of being.67:57
  1061. Everyone has so many lived experiences that you can learn from everyone.Everyone has so many lived experiences that vous pouvez learn from everyone.67:59
  1062. And they are just like an endless font of things to be discovered through question asking.et they sont just like an endless font of things to be discovered through question asking.68:03
  1063. How can you exit a conversation gracefully?How pouvez vous exit a conversation gracefully?68:09
  1064. There's really nice research on conversational endings that has come to light in the last five years.There's really nice research on conversational endings that has come to light in le last five years.68:13
  1065. When you think of conversation as this almost impossible to solve coordination problem, the final coordination decision is when to leave.When vous think of conversation as this almost impossible to solve coordination problem, le final coordination decision est when to leave.68:18
  1066. It's why it always feels so awkward and weird because I can't possibly know when you want to be done.It's why it always feels so awkward et weird because Je pouvez't possibly know when vous want to be done.68:26
  1067. You can't know when I need to be done or want to be done.vous pouvez't know when Je need to be done or want to be done.68:31
  1068. So we just need to get comfortable with the fact that like you're never going to get it right.So we just need to get comfortable with le fact that like vous're never going to get it right.68:34
  1069. Nobody knows when to end a conversation.Nobody knows when to end a conversation.68:39
  1070. Most people are always going to be dissatisfied.Most les gens sont always going to be dissatisfied.68:41
  1071. They might have wanted it to be longer.They might avez wanted it to be longer.68:43
  1072. They might have wanted it to be shorter.They might avez wanted it to be shorter.68:44
  1073. So embracing and accepting that awkwardness, that difficulty just saying nobody knows.So embracing et accepting that awkwardness, that difficulty just saying nobody knows.68:46
  1074. We're just going to say this was great.We're just going to say this was great.68:51
  1075. I loved it.Je loved it.68:53
  1076. I can't wait for the next one.Je pouvez't wait for le next one.68:54
  1077. Bye.Bye.68:55
  1078. That's it.That's it.68:56
  1079. That's it.That's it.68:57
  1080. This was great.This was great.68:58
  1081. I can't wait for the next one.Je pouvez't wait for le next one.69:00
  1082. I love it.Je love it.69:01
  1083. So if you could leave the person who's listening to us right now with one takeaway or one lesson or one thing to do that leverages the science of conversationSo if vous could leave le person who's listening to us right now with one takeaway or one lesson or one thing to do that leverages le science of conversation69:02
  1084. and it will make their life a little better, what would that one thing be?et it allez make their life a little better, quoi would that one thing be?69:18
  1085. Oh, it's so hard to pick just one.Oh, it's so hard to pick just one.69:22
  1086. I think it would be thinking ahead a little bit more, prepping topics, giving even a little bit of forethought to the people you're going to see in a day.Je think it would be thinking ahead a little bit more, prepping topics, giving even a little bit of forethought to le les gens vous're going to see in a day.69:24
  1087. Think a little bit about what they're going to find interesting and productive to talk about.Think a little bit à propos de quoi they're going to find interesting et productive to talk à propos de.69:35
  1088. You can write it down in your Google Calendar notes.vous pouvez write it down in your Google Calendar notes.69:40
  1089. You can write on a little piece of paper.vous pouvez write on a little piece of paper.69:42
  1090. Just think it in your head.Just think it in your head.69:43
  1091. You're more likely to have a better conversation once you're together with them.vous're more likely to avez a better conversation once vous're together with them.69:45
  1092. And what are your parting words?et quoi sont your parting words?69:49
  1093. My parting words are about grace.My parting words sont à propos de grace.69:51
  1094. So I think because we learn to talk to each other when we're toddlers and we spend our whole lives talking to each other every day with a huge arraySo Je think because we learn to talk to each other when we're toddlers et we spend our whole lives talking to each other every day with a huge array69:56
  1095. of partners, by the time we get to be adults, we feel like we should be perfect at it or we should be great at it and it's second natureof partners, by le time we get to be adults, we feel like we should be perfect at it or we should be great at it et it's second nature70:04
  1096. and we should be experts.et we should be experts.70:09
  1097. But when you look under the hood of conversation, you realize actually conversations are kind of a train wreck.But when vous look under le hood of conversation, vous realize actually conversations sont kind of a train wreck.70:11
  1098. We're interrupting each other all the time where we have half finished ideas and we're not making sense a lot of the time.We're interrupting each other all le time where we avez half finished ideas et we're not making sense a lot of le time.70:17
  1099. And so I think giving yourself a little bit more grace that you're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect.et so Je think giving yourself a little bit more grace that vous're not perfect, vous're never going to be perfect.70:24
  1100. Even the best communicators aren't perfect and giving other people more grace.Even le best communicators aren't perfect et giving other les gens more grace.70:30
  1101. They're going to say things that make you mad.They're going to say things that make vous mad.70:34
  1102. They're going to say things that hurt your feelings and it's okay.They're going to say things that hurt your feelings et it's d'accord.70:36
  1103. This is how this works.This est how this works.70:39
  1104. If it's born of love, count yourself lucky.If it's born of love, count yourself lucky.70:40
  1105. Professor Allison Woodbrooks, this has been great.Professor Allison Woodbrooks, this has been great.70:44
  1106. Thank you so much for having me.Thank vous so much for having me.70:47
  1107. Thank you, Woodbrooks.Thank vous, Woodbrooks.70:49
  1108. And I would be remiss if I also didn't say thank you to you.et Je would be remiss if Je also didn't say thank vous to vous.70:59
  1109. This has been great and I'm really proud of you for taking the time to listen to something that will absolutely improve your life.This has been great et Je'm really proud of vous for taking le time to listen to something that allez absolutely improve your life.71:06
  1110. And everything that Professor Brooks poured into us today, I hope you try it.et everything that Professor Brooks poured into us today, Je hope vous try it.71:15
  1111. I hope you plan your topics because being a better communicator will improve your life.Je hope vous plan your topics because being a better communicator allez improve your life.71:20
  1112. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to communicate and tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believeet in case non one else tells vous, Je wanted to be sure to communicate et tell vous that Je love vous et Je believe in vous et Je believe71:26
  1113. in your ability to create a better life.in your ability to create a better life.71:32
  1114. So take everything you just learned and go use it to make your life better.So take everything vous just learned et go use it to make your life better.71:34
  1115. And I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode as soon as you hit play.et Je'll be waiting for vous in le very next episode as soon as vous hit play.71:39
  1116. I'll see you there.Je'll see vous there.71:43
  1117. Thank you for being here with me on YouTube and thank you for watching all the way to the end.Thank vous for being here with me on YouTube et thank vous for watching all le way to le end.71:44
  1118. Wasn't it so cool to get all of these strategies and insight from a professor at Harvard Business School?Wasn't it so cool to get all of these strategies et insight from a professor at Harvard Business School?71:49
  1119. I love this kind of stuff and I know you love it too.Je love this kind of stuff et Je know vous love it too.71:56
  1120. So thank you for watching.So thank vous for watching.71:59
  1121. Thank you for being here till the end.Thank vous for being here till le end.72:00
  1122. Thank you for sharing this with people in your life who you know deserve this information too.Thank vous for sharing this with les gens in your life who vous savez deserve this information too.72:02
  1123. And one more thing, it is a goal of mine that 50 % of the people that watch this channel are subscribers and it's free.et one more thing, it est a goal of mine that 50 % of le les gens that watch this channel sont subscribers et it's free.72:07
  1124. So I know you're the kind of person that loves supporting people that support you.So Je know vous're le kind of person that loves supporting les gens that support vous.72:14
  1125. I know you love getting all these incredible videos with world -renowned experts.Je know vous love getting all these incredible videos with world -renowned experts.72:18
  1126. And so one thing you could do for me, just hit subscribe.et so one thing vous could do for me, just hit subscribe.72:22
  1127. It tells me that you really love what we're doing here and it helps support my team in bringing you new videos every single day as a free resource forIt tells me that vous really love quoi we're doing here et it helps support my team in bringing vous new videos every single day as a free resource for72:25
  1128. you and the people that you care about.vous et le les gens that vous care à propos de.72:32
  1129. Alrighty, I know what you're thinking.Alrighty, Je know quoi vous're thinking.72:34
  1130. Mel, I love this.Mel, Je love this.72:35
  1131. What's the next video I should watch?quoi's le next video Je should watch?72:37
  1132. Great question.Great question.72:38
  1133. I think you should check out this one.Je think vous should check out this one.72:39
  1134. I think you're gonna love it.Je think vous're gonna love it.72:41
  1135. And I'm gonna be waiting for you in it the second you hit play.et Je'm gonna be waiting for vous in it le second vous hit play.72:42
  1136. I'll see you there.Je'll see vous there.72:46

Mesuré dans ce clip

Débit
208 mots par minute — plus rapide que 67% du catalogue
Niveau CECRL
B2
Formes réduites ici
gonna ×57, wanna ×16, gotta ×2, kinda
Mots à connaître
riskier, belittling, airtime, stonewalling, mortifying, marginalized
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