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Shadowing practice: Michael McIntyre's Best Stories - Stand Up Comedy

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  1. Myfydwn yn rhoi rhoi rhoi rhoi gan y nôr.0:00
  2. Myfydwn yn rhoi rhoi rhoi rhoi———— !——— !——————————————————————————————————————————————— !—— !— !—!0:01
  3. Oeddwn yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y0:30
  4. cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y0:35
  5. cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y0:40
  6. cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cefnod yn y cef Oes y cefn— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen0:49
  7. nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen1:01
  8. nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen1:08
  9. nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— maen nhw— ma ac nid yw—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Oherwydd y maes gan y1:13
  10. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y1:29
  11. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y1:34
  12. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y1:40
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  1. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y1:49
  2. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y1:53
  3. maes gan y maes gan y maes gan y maes gan Oh!1:56
  4. Oh, that's very peculiar.1:59
  5. So I went over to the gym.2:01
  6. Turn the light off, dark again, made my way slowly.2:05
  7. That's the main.2:09
  8. Got myself in.2:13
  9. Late as soon as my head hit the pillow, the light took back up.2:14
  10. Oh, there's going on.2:19
  11. So I marched back quite quickly.2:21
  12. I convinced myself of some kind of sensor.2:23
  13. So this time I was very, very hopeful.2:25
  14. I slowly got to the bed and nothing happened.2:33
  15. I said, oh, this is fine.2:35
  16. Rolled over, the light went on again.2:36
  17. So I phoned maintenance.2:39
  18. Now bear in mind, this man at maintenance already thinks I'm completely mental as a person.2:41
  19. So I call him, I'm lying there now in the light.2:48
  20. A lock on the door, I go, oh, thank you.2:52
  21. Thank you for coming.2:54
  22. He said, is it taps again?2:55
  23. No, the taps are fine.2:56
  24. Watch this, the light is on.2:58
  25. The lights keep going on and I don't know why.2:59
  26. There's something wrong.3:01
  27. After I've phoned, they just go on.3:02
  28. I'm going to show you.3:04
  29. So I turn the light off and I'm standing in the dark with this Norwegian man.3:05
  30. Follow me, come with me.3:10
  31. I'm holding him a bit.3:12
  32. Come on, come with me.3:13
  33. Come on, come with me.3:16
  34. Are you there?3:21
  35. Yes.3:23
  36. Just standing.3:23
  37. I'm just going to get into the bed, okay?3:25
  38. I lay in the bed and nothing happened.3:29
  39. I'm just lying.3:31
  40. I'm lying in the dark.3:33
  41. And he just stood there and went, please let me go off.3:35
  42. I said, I want to go.3:39
  43. So he was knocking over furniture.3:40
  44. He made his way out of the door in the dark.3:42
  45. I rolled over and the lights went on.3:44
  46. I was going to tell you about my private life.3:51
  47. I've had some good news recently is that I've got...3:54
  48. My wife has always had a dream, okay, to own a little place in the countryside.3:57
  49. And it became my dream when she told me about it every day for ten years.4:02
  50. And recently I bought a little place in the countryside for us.4:10
  51. Beautiful little place.4:12
  52. It's very remote, very isolated, very private, rolling hills.4:13
  53. It's surrounded by a farm.4:16
  54. It's not our farm, but it's just lovely.4:18
  55. We didn't tell the children we were getting it.4:19
  56. It was the most magical day when we first moved in and we were standing outside all of us, my children, running around in the fields.4:21
  57. They couldn't believe it, giggling, and the sun going down.4:26
  58. And my wife and I holding hands, going, we did it.4:29
  59. It's amazing.4:31
  60. I'm so happy and tears.4:32
  61. It was beautiful.4:34
  62. And lovely little animals, little birds, because you don't see lice birds in London.4:35
  63. In London we have pigeons, sort of suicidal pigeons.4:38
  64. They sort of come in front of the car, just look at you, kill me, end my life.4:41
  65. It's not worth it.4:45
  66. They just fly off at the last second.4:46
  67. I don't even have the guts to end it.4:48
  68. There's a country with all these multicolored birds coming out of the woods.4:50
  69. They were welcoming us to the country, making lovely noises...4:53
  70. Like they were saying, hello, welcome.4:56
  71. Thank you for coming.4:58
  72. My wife holding hands, children running around.5:02
  73. Then the sun went down completely.5:06
  74. Absolute total darkness.5:08
  75. Pitch black terrified.5:10
  76. We both looked at where we thought we were...5:12
  77. Dallah, can't even see you.5:15
  78. We should go to London, we can't do this, can we?5:16
  79. We can't do this.5:18
  80. Where are the children, children?5:19
  81. And it was like all those lovely daytime animals mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn5:21
  82. mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn5:30
  83. mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn5:46
  84. mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn mawn5:50
  85. ma 360.5:52
  86. Edging to where we hoped the house was.5:54
  87. A ha!5:57
  88. A ha!5:59
  89. I want to go home!6:01
  90. We're drifting into the neighbours' fields.6:04
  91. And foxes, in London, when you see a fox, you see it for a second.6:07
  92. And you just go, oh look, there's a fox and then it disappears.6:10
  93. Like into thin air.6:12
  94. In the country you hear the noises they make.6:13
  95. They make this vile sort of, like they're vomiting violently.6:16
  96. Llyw!6:19
  97. Llyw!6:20
  98. Llyw!6:22
  99. There was this fox just walking towards us...6:22
  100. Llyw!6:25
  101. Llyw!6:27
  102. That would...6:28
  103. Ka -ka -ka -ka -ka -ka...6:28
  104. Ha!6:30
  105. Llyw!6:31
  106. Ha!6:33
  107. Ka -ka -ka -ka -ka...6:38
  108. Cats, pussy -cats, on heat...6:42
  109. ...is there a more...6:46
  110. ...sinistre sound out there...6:47
  111. Dyn y cat.6:49
  112. Aaaaah!6:50
  113. A sort of whining.6:51
  114. Aaaaaaaah!6:53
  115. Aaaaaaaah!6:54
  116. If only women would like this, how much easier would my teenage years have been?6:56
  117. Have you met Beverly?7:02
  118. Aaaaaaaah!7:04
  119. I think Beverly's up for it.7:06
  120. I think you're right Dave, lead me to her.7:07
  121. Aaaaaaaah!7:12
  122. Aaaaaaaah!7:15
  123. Aaaaaaaah!7:17
  124. Aaaaaaaah!7:19
  125. Finally we made it into the house.7:20
  126. You know people in the country, they say things like, we never lock our doors in the country.7:22
  127. Are you joking?7:25
  128. I was putting furniture in front of the door.7:26
  129. I opened the curtains to see what it was like.7:29
  130. It was a fox in my face.7:31
  131. Oh my God, it's getting worse!7:32
  132. Cos the fear is someone's going to break in at night.7:37
  133. What are you going to do if someone breaks in in the countryside?7:39
  134. In London you tell them where you live, you tell them your road, your postcode, the number.7:41
  135. Then the police will come to your house.7:46
  136. In the country people say things like, ignore the postcode, that takes you to another house.7:48
  137. Or why don't you swap postcodes with that house?7:52
  138. Every house just has names, the gleab holes, the rectory, the little cottage on the hill.7:56
  139. I've just spent my whole life giving people directions.8:00
  140. There's a dip, there's a dip in the road, you'll feel it, you won't see it, you'll feel a slight dip.8:02
  141. There's some roadkill, it used to be there, there might be some miracles, there's a left, there's a sharp left.8:06
  142. You think you're driving into a hedge, you've got to trust it's there, you've got to trust it's there.8:10
  143. Then you'll be on a lane for about a mile, then you'll come to a huge oak tree.8:14
  144. Then you knew you've gone too far, you must turn back and go out the road for God's sake.8:18
  145. You can't be saying this to the police on the phone.8:22
  146. You might as well pass it on to the burglar.8:25
  147. How did you find the place?8:27
  148. Can I put you on doom?8:28
  149. Because the onus is on us as men.8:31
  150. This is what my wife does, every time there's a noise in the house she wakes me up in the bedroom.8:34
  151. Did you hear that?8:38
  152. Did you hear that?8:39
  153. Come over to the kitchen, did you hear that?8:40
  154. Nice!8:41
  155. And I always deny it, even though I've heard it because I'm awake, terrified.8:41
  156. No, no, it must be the wind, even though I know there's no wind in the kitchen.8:45
  157. She always says the same thing, go and see, go on, go downstairs and see.8:50
  158. I'm always like, well that wasn't exactly the way I was going to handle the situation.8:54
  159. I was hoping we would hide as a family and a weight rescue.8:58
  160. But Michael, you're the man of the house!9:05
  161. Yes, you're right, I am the man of the house, but what concerns me at this very moment is, I think there's another man in the house.9:08
  162. And I've decided to make him the man of the house on this occasion.9:16
  163. But what about the children?9:21
  164. Good idea, send one of them, send the older one, the milder one.9:23
  165. I've also heard five teeth out this year.9:28
  166. OK, that's mad, I know.9:32
  167. Four wisdom teeth, all of them, and another tooth I've had to have out because I've had terrible trouble with my teeth.9:33
  168. It all started last year, I had this pain in my tooth, because last year I was fine, my knee was fine, my calf was fine, my shoulder was fine,9:38
  169. I was a pretty good nick.9:44
  170. Then I had this pain in my tooth and I went to the dentist, as you do.9:45
  171. Open my mouth, which is key, obviously you have to be asked.9:48
  172. You don't just walk in, ha?9:52
  173. So I sat in the chair and he looked in my mouth, he's like, you know what, you've got a rotting wisdom tooth.9:55
  174. I've got to take it out, it's rotting.9:59
  175. I didn't really mind, I didn't even know I had wisdom teeth, to be honest.10:01
  176. I know that my wives had them out, so I'm like, yeah, fine, whatever you like.10:04
  177. Also there's a TV there, I was watching this morning, it's right in my face, I was watching Phillip Schofield chatting away.10:07
  178. I was like, yeah, go for your life.10:11
  179. So he just got to work, I just lay there and I lay there for a while, I don't know, maybe an hour, maybe more than an hour.10:12
  180. I thought I'd been here, ages.10:17
  181. So I flicked my eyes over, you know, to see if the dentist was OK and he wasn't.10:19
  182. Oh my god, quite stressed, sort of sweat coming off his forehand, he was straining like this.10:22
  183. So I tried to ask him if he was OK, which is hard, but in your mouth is completely numb and he had like equipment in it.10:29
  184. Came out as one sort of sound.10:34
  185. Just one noise.10:41
  186. Like a northern Irishman saying mirror, that's an odd moment.10:42
  187. They're not even in the dentist, they don't know what's going on there.10:49
  188. I was like, oh no, no, no, no.10:52
  189. I thought I was OK, I thought I was OK at all.10:56
  190. I thought it was something personal.11:00
  191. I was like, oh my god, tell me what the matter is.11:01
  192. You've got to be.11:05
  193. He said I've been in the dentist for 30 years.11:07
  194. Congratulate him, dad, excellent.11:10
  195. That excellent is a real, real well done.11:12
  196. And if you've never not been able to get somebody's tooth out, I can't get your tooth out.11:15
  197. It's stuck.11:19
  198. Look, OK, look, you need to calm yourself down.11:19
  199. I'm in no loss, OK, I'm not in any pain whatsoever.11:24
  200. I've got no way to be, I'm not in this morning, I'm absolutely completely fine.11:28
  201. Go away, have a cup of tea, chill out, come back, smile again, I believe in you.11:33
  202. He said the reason you don't feel any pain is I've numbed your mouth, OK.11:42
  203. Look, and he passed me a mirror.11:46
  204. I am not going to lie to you.11:49
  205. Till the day I die, I will never forget the image that greeted me in the reflection, OK.11:51
  206. This side of my face was literally twice the size of this side.11:57
  207. That was bruising, I hadn't even noticed.12:00
  208. My bib was covered in blood already, I didn't even see it.12:02
  209. There was blood dripping up the side of my face like a sort of vampire.12:05
  210. My eye was sort of closing, I was like, what the fuck are you doing?12:09
  211. I said, I was trying to tell him, we've got to get you out of here.12:16
  212. I've got to get you to a hospital, follow me!12:18
  213. And he ran out of the room, I just followed on behind him.12:20
  214. Hello, excuse me, hello.12:24
  215. I have to say, I felt particularly sorry.12:27
  216. The poor people in the waiting room, you know, they're sitting there with the fish tank, reading old magazines, reassuring their children, everything was going to be fine at the12:29
  217. dentist's visit.12:37
  218. I come out with bruising blood all over my bib, blood coming out the side of my mouth.12:38
  219. Excuse me!12:46
  220. Has that boy seen the dentist?12:50
  221. I came out with my kids and you were right, come with mummy, come on, come with mummy now, come on!12:54
  222. I turned round to that idiot on the reception, there was some woman there, she was like, would you like to book an appointment with the high -teenest?12:58
  223. The high -teenest?13:04
  224. I need the fucking perfect dentist!13:06
  225. The dentist's gone!13:09
  226. I look out the door, this idiot is in his car, he's in his car, with the door open, he's still got his gloves on, he's going, get in!13:12
  227. Get in!13:20
  228. Are you serious?13:21
  229. Just get in!13:22
  230. All right, all right, so we're getting in the car with this man.13:23
  231. He starts hurtling through the streets.13:26
  232. Literally ten minutes earlier I was in the dentist's chair in relative comfort watching this morning, then we're driving through traffic, he's hooting, and my wife actually called me up13:28
  233. on the phone, hello, hello, hello, darling, you still at the dentist?13:36
  234. I'm with the dentist.13:41
  235. You mean you're at the dentist?13:45
  236. I'm not at the dentist, I'm with the dentist.13:46
  237. You mean you're at the dentist?13:50
  238. I'm not at the dentist, I'm with the dentist.13:52
  239. Why are you being so pedantic?13:56
  240. I'm not being...13:58
  241. pumbum bum.14:01
  242. I'm in the car.14:05
  243. Oh, you're on your way home?14:08
  244. I don't know where I'm going.14:10
  245. What is wrong with you?14:15
  246. The dentist is riding.14:17
  247. The dentist is riding.14:21
  248. He's riding.14:23
  249. He's riding.14:25
  250. The dentist is riding.14:27
  251. The dentist is rising.14:29
  252. The dentist is riding.14:32
  253. The dentist is riding.14:34
  254. I'll call your waiter.14:35
  255. You're having lunch with the dentist.14:37
  256. Finally, we show up at this door.14:41
  257. You see that door?14:42
  258. Go in there.14:43
  259. They're going to treat you, they know to expect you.14:45
  260. Just tell them your name.14:49
  261. Everything's going to be fine.14:50
  262. He drives off.14:53
  263. I'm standing on the pavement.14:54
  264. I've got the bib on, the soaked bib.14:56
  265. I saw my reflection in the glass.14:59
  266. I looked horrific.15:01
  267. I was worried it's going to start on full.15:02
  268. I came in at my best angle.15:04
  269. I was like, oh no, no, no.15:05
  270. I was like, oh no, no, no.15:07
  271. Hello, sir, can I have you?15:09
  272. Yes, I was wondering.15:11
  273. She's like, oh my God!15:13
  274. Oh my God!15:15
  275. Have you been attacked?15:17
  276. No, I haven't been attacked.15:18
  277. I don't go out in the bib expecting a thought.15:20
  278. I haven't been attacked so many times.15:25
  279. I know we're absorbent clothing.15:27
  280. Apparently you're expecting me.15:32
  281. Can I take your name, please?15:36
  282. The problem is, you'll know this if you're at a local NHS centre, you can't move your lips.15:38
  283. You need that to do letters of the alphabet.15:41
  284. The M, for example, greatly requires lip work.15:44
  285. I need that to identify myself.15:47
  286. Can I take your name, please?15:49
  287. I have acul acing cacar.15:51
  288. Acul acing cacar.15:57
  289. Acul acing dabel.16:01
  290. Acul acing gongar?16:05
  291. Oh, what's my lips?16:08
  292. Right, OK, I think the best thing for you to do is, if you head down the corridor, take a seat in the waiting room, and we'll try to get16:26
  293. to the bottom of this.16:35
  294. I'm not going to lie to you.16:35
  295. I was quite pissed off, she didn't recognise me.16:37
  296. I was on quite a lot of television.16:38
  297. I know that this side of my face was pretty much unrecognisable, but this side was fine.16:40
  298. I tried to jog her memory as I went down the corridor.16:44
  299. Unbound wing bubble.16:47
  300. She said it would look round.16:49
  301. I guess she's on the way to you now, and he understood this a little bit.16:51
  302. It hurts a bit now.16:55
  303. I'll start making this low E .T.16:56
  304. type sound on my own in the corner.16:58
  305. A, e, li, op, e, li, op.17:05
  306. I tried to be nice, I tried to look at other people in there.17:09
  307. Thankfully, I think for everybody, the nurse came in quite quickly.17:14
  308. Acul acing cacar?17:19
  309. I did the responders, though, eh?17:23
  310. She's getting white touch on my face.17:27
  311. Excuse me.17:28
  312. Are you acul acing cacar?17:30
  313. No.17:32
  314. So, what is your name?17:35
  315. Acul acing cacar.17:38
  316. That is actually me.17:43
  317. Sorry, Tup.17:45
  318. This is my real name, obviously, acul acing cacar.17:46
  319. But here they know me as acul acing cacar.17:50
  320. I'm a good me, they'll...17:53
  321. So, they take me up into this room, sort of private room, and she's really nice to me now.17:59
  322. She's like, oh my God, you've had a terrible day, haven't you, sir?18:02
  323. I have...18:05
  324. I have a real hold -up.18:05
  325. Please, don't you go help me.18:09
  326. Yes, don't worry, don't panic at all.18:10
  327. We do this all the time.18:12
  328. We're going to give you a general anesthetic, we're going to take your tooth out, everything's going to be fine.18:13
  329. If you just want to take all your clothes off and pop this hospital gown on, we'll take you straight through to surgery.18:16
  330. I'll put all my clothes off.18:21
  331. If you take all your clothes off, pop the gown on and we'll take you through.18:23
  332. Why do I have to take all my clothes off?18:25
  333. All the patients have to wear the hospital gown, that's hospital policy.18:27
  334. But you don't think the underfamily fits away from me.18:30
  335. I've got a problem with my tooth, which is located in my lap.18:33
  336. I don't have a tooth embedded in my arm.18:39
  337. They cannot wear my home clothes, but no.18:43
  338. You'll know what it's like if you've been to hospital, they humiliate you, for no reason at all.18:46
  339. You have to put this sort of piece of shit, floral, thin gown on, the wrong way round, with your ass hanging out.18:50
  340. I have to go into the loo with this gown, with my, literally, my bare bottom hanging out of the mac.18:56
  341. And you put this on, for no reason.19:02
  342. It's for everyone at hospital has their clothes on the right way round.19:03
  343. I have to put it on like that.19:05
  344. I'll come out.19:07
  345. Is that before?19:11
  346. It's perfect.19:14
  347. Rock of it's perfect.19:15
  348. I've got my tooth hanging out, and now I've got my mouth gone out.19:18
  349. There's no reason.19:23
  350. What I have to have in that gown, is to be grateful, is to be fickle, is to be full of love.19:25
  351. It's abhorrent.19:32
  352. What's on earth is it going to do to me?19:33
  353. I'm too general aesthetic, that requires access from my mouth.19:35
  354. I won't put me.19:39
  355. There will be, reaper cousin.19:42
  356. There'll be what?19:44
  357. Reaper cousin!19:45
  358. Don't take that tone with me, Mr Erkin cacker.19:47
  359. For the last time, my name, is Erkin cacker!19:49
  360. Now I have to follow this woman down the corridor.19:56
  361. Literally down the corridor.19:58
  362. There's no way.19:59
  363. I'm going to walk down a hospital corridor, with my ars just fflapping away here.19:59
  364. So people just happen to be behind me, looking at my ars.20:04
  365. No, that is not going to happen.20:06
  366. So I go down the wall like this.20:07
  367. I'm the way we were.20:09
  368. I'm the way we were.20:10
  369. Somebody's actually doing the same thing to me.20:13
  370. Quickly, Evie!20:15
  371. Thank you.20:16
  372. Thank you.20:17
  373. Finally they lie me down on a hospital bed, and I'm thrilled now, because my ars is concealed.20:20
  374. I'm happy.20:24
  375. The anesthetist comes in, a very serious, sort of quite old man.20:25
  376. Hello.20:27
  377. I'm the anesthetist.20:29
  378. I'm going to give you a general anesthetic.20:30
  379. I'm going to knock you out.20:31
  380. I'm going to give you a small prick, when you're left arm.20:32
  381. You're going to be knocked out immediately.20:35
  382. You okay with that, Michael?20:38
  383. Michael?20:40
  384. That's my name!20:44
  385. He says, yes, I know exactly who.20:46
  386. My three daughters are big fans of yours.20:47
  387. Oh, that's fair kind.20:49
  388. Thank you.20:51
  389. Then he put the needle in my arm.20:51
  390. And he went, my wife and I are not so keen.20:54
  391. And put me out!20:56
  392. I was like, you mother!20:58
  393. I don't know how many hours later, two or three hours later, I didn't know where I was.21:04
  394. Sometimes I wake up at home in a deep sleep, and I don't know where I am.21:08
  395. This was the deepest sleep I've had.21:11
  396. It was a general aesthetic.21:12
  397. I woke up, it was in bed, it was bright, it was hot.21:13
  398. I'd come out of the cupboards.21:16
  399. You know, in a heatwave, you come out, you know.21:17
  400. When your arms are at the highest point, you come out of the duvet.21:20
  401. You know, when you're lying down, at some stage during the night, the duvet sort of tucks in, and you just sort of roll out.21:23
  402. So I wake up.21:31
  403. Within moments, I feel this breeze coming in the back.21:33
  404. So I turn round to see my entire family standing there.21:41
  405. I wish that my son said, pants down, you're the loser.21:47
  406. Oh, it's family time today!21:51
  407. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!21:53
  408. Bravo!21:55
  409. Ymwneud yw 'r llwyddiad.22:10
  410. Ymwneud yw 'r llwyddiad.22:11
  411. Ymwneud yw 'r llwyddiad.22:12
  412. Ymwneud yw 'r llwyddiad.22:14
  413. Ymwneud yw 'r llwyddiad.22:16

A B1 Stand Up Story at 253 Words a Minute: English Speaking Practice With Michael McIntyre

This clip is a single voice, not a conversation: Michael McIntyre telling a stand up story to a room. There is no one to hand the line to, so the pace never lets up, 253 words per minute, faster than 95 percent of the catalogue. That speed is what makes it worth returning to for english speaking practice. A slow line leaves gaps you can guess through. This one does not.

The clip runs to 425 lines, long enough to follow how a British comic actually builds a bit: a setup, a pause, a swerve, a punchline. It is rated B1, so the vocabulary stays ordinary even while the delivery is quick. The opening seconds of the transcript are hard to make out, but the story proper opens clearly at "Oh, that's very peculiar."

British English Pronunciation Practice in Michael McIntyre's Gym Story

Two lines from the clear part of the transcript show what to listen for. "Oh, that's very peculiar." and "So I went over to the gym." are plain, ordinary sentences, and that is the point: comedy timing here comes from delivery, not from difficult words.

  • "Oh, that's very peculiar." opens on a stressed "Oh", the kind of interjection British storytellers use to mark a turn before the sentence itself even starts. Copy that rise before you copy the words.
  • "very peculiar" is a mild, understated way to call something strange, useful for british english pronunciation practice: two light syllables sliding into the stressed middle of "peculiar".
  • "So I went over to the gym." opens with "So", the connector storytellers use to move on to the next beat. Say it flat and quick, the way you would drop it into your own day.
  • "went over to" is the everyday phrasing worth noticing here, three small words that carry almost no stress of their own and slide together fast at this pace.

How to Shadow This B1 Stand Up Clip, Line by Line

Skip the unclear opening seconds and start where the audio settles, at "Oh, that's very peculiar." Work that line and the one after it before letting the story run at full speed.

  • Start on "Oh, that's very peculiar." Say the "Oh" alone first, matching its pitch, before adding the rest of the sentence.
  • Move to "So I went over to the gym." and shadow this line four or five times before playing on, since one pass at 253 words per minute will not let you catch its rhythm.
  • Once those two lines feel natural, let the clip run on past them without pausing, so you get a feel for a B1 line at real stand up pace, not a slowed down one.
  • Come back the next day and repeat the same two lines before adding the ones that follow, working through the story a stretch at a time rather than all 425 lines at once.
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