Unduh aplikasi

Latihan shadowing: Outsmart a Narcissist: A Proven 4-Step Plan to Take Your Power Back | Mel Robbins Podcast

Dengarkan kalimatnya, lalu ucapkan dengan lantang
Kalimat 1

Transkrip lengkap

  1. I thought I knew what a narcissist was, but I didn't.Aku kira aku tahu apa itu narsisis, tapi aku tidak.0:00
  2. A narcissist is not what you think.Seorang narsisis tidak seperti yang kamu pikirkan.0:03
  3. A narcissist is not a person who thinks so highly of themselves.Narsisis bukan orang yang terlalu tinggi menilai diri sendiri.0:07
  4. They will take themselves down to take the other person down.Mereka bisa mengorbankan diri mereka untuk menjatuhkan orang lain.0:12
  5. You actually become physiologically addicted to this person.Kamu benar-benar jadi kecanduan secara fisik pada orang ini.0:16
  6. Everything is black and white.Semuanya hitam atau putih.0:21
  7. Everything's good or bad.Semuanya baik atau buruk.0:22
  8. You're either for them or against them.Kamu bersama mereka atau melawan mereka.0:24
  9. And if you're against them, then you are public enemy number one.Dan kalau melawan mereka, kamu musuh nomor satu publik.0:26
  10. What are the phases of a narcissistic relationship?Apa saja fase dalam hubungan dengan narsisis?0:29
  11. They call it love bombing.Mereka memanggilnya love bombing.0:33
  12. Let's get married in Vegas.Mari kita nikah di Vegas.0:34
Tampilkan semua 1089 kalimat Tampilkan lebih sedikit
  1. Let's move in together.Mari kita tinggal bersama.0:36
  2. Get me on your bank accounts.Masukkan aku ke rekening bankmu.0:37
  3. Now they've gotten you and their stories aren't holding up.Sekarang mereka sudah dapat dirimu dan cerita mereka tidak konsisten.0:38
  4. Now you start to see lies.Sekarang kamu mulai lihat kebohongan.0:43
  5. Now you start to see manipulation.Sekarang kamu mulai lihat manipulasi.0:45
  6. I suddenly found myself in this situation feeling like I'm going crazy.Tiba-tiba aku merasa seperti sedang gila dalam situasi ini.0:47
  7. Honestly, it almost took me to my knees.Jujur, hampir membuat aku menyerah sepenuhnya.0:54
  8. It was in that moment I decided that's it.Saat itu aku memutuskan, cukup.0:57
  9. I'm getting out of this thing.Aku harus keluar dari semua ini.1:01
  10. You and you alone define your value.Hanya kamu yang mendefinisikan nilai dirimu.1:02
  11. You can win.Kamu bisa menang.1:05
  12. Hey, it's your friend Mel.Hei, ini temanku Mel.1:09
  13. And welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.Selamat datang di podcast Mel Robbins.1:11
  14. I want to start off by just thanking you so much for being here with me today and to just acknowledge you because I know when you tune in andAku ingin mulai dengan berterima kasih padamu atas kehadiranmu hari ini dan mengakui dirimu karena aku tahu saat kamu mendengarkan dan1:14
  15. you spend time with your friend Mel Robbins, you are investing time in yourself and improving your life.menghabiskan waktu dengan temanmu Mel Robbins, kamu berinvestasi waktu untuk diri sendiri dan meningkatkan hidupmu.1:22
  16. And I just think that is so cool.Dan aku rasa itu sangat keren.1:29
  17. And today in particular, I am thrilled that you showed up because you and I are going to have a powerful and a life changing conversation.Dan hari ini khususnya, aku sangat senang kamu datang karena kamu dan aku akan punya percakapan yang kuat dan mengubah hidup.1:30
  18. And I can promise you that because we're going to be talking about a topic that is the single most requested topic that I get from listeners in 194 countries.Dan aku bisa menjamin karena kita akan membahas topik yang paling banyak diminta dari pendengar kami di 194 negara.1:43
  19. What is the topic?Topik apa itu?1:54
  20. I'm so glad you asked.Aku senang kamu bertanya.1:55
  21. Here it is.Ini dia.1:57
  22. It's narcissism.Itu narsisme.1:58
  23. But specifically, how do I deal with narcissistic people that are in your life and not lose my power?Tapi khususnya, bagaimana aku bisa berurusan dengan orang narsisis dalam hidupku tanpa kehilangan kekuatanku?2:00
  24. See, here's the thing about narcissism.Begini, hal tentang narsisme.2:09
  25. There is so much amazing information out there about the dangers of narcissistic people and why you need to end relationships with narcissists.Ada banyak informasi luar biasa tentang bahaya orang narsisis dan mengapa kamu harus mengakhiri hubungan dengan mereka.2:11
  26. But ending a relationship with somebody, it's not always that realistic, right?Tapi mengakhiri hubungan dengan seseorang, itu tidak selalu realistis, kan?2:21
  27. So that's not what we're going to talk about today.Jadi itu bukan apa yang akan kita bahas hari ini.2:25
  28. Because sometimes, in fact, oftentimes, the narcissist is somebody that you're close to.Karena kadang-kadang, bahkan sering, narsisis adalah orang yang dekat dengan dirimu.2:27
  29. The narcissistic person is your mom or your dad, or maybe it's one of your kids, or your brother or your sister.Orang narsisis itu ibumu atau ayahmu, atau mungkin salah satu anak-anakmu, atau saudaramu.2:34
  30. And despite what the experts recommend, you don't want them out of your life and kind of plan the defense and pretending that you don't care.Dan terlepas dari rekomendasi para ahli, kamu tidak ingin mereka keluar dari hidupmu dan berpura-pura.2:41
  31. It's getting exhausting.Itu sangat melelahkan.2:49
  32. Or maybe you just can't end the relationship right now.Atau mungkin kamu tidak bisa mengakhiri hubungan sekarang.2:50
  33. Like, for example, the narcissistic person, it's your boss and you need the paycheck.Misalnya, orang narsisis itu bosmu dan kamu butuh penghasilan.2:54
  34. But you don't know how to deal with them.Tapi kamu tidak tahu bagaimana berurusan dengan mereka.2:59
  35. Or maybe it's your ex and you guys have kids together.Atau mungkin itu mantan pacarmu dan kamu punya anak bersama.3:00
  36. And so you're going to see this person over and over year after year after year at family gatherings.Jadi kamu akan lihat orang ini lagi dan lagi tahun demi tahun di acara keluarga.3:04
  37. Or maybe the narcissistic person is your daughter -in -law or your son -in -law.Atau mungkin orang narsisis itu menantu atau menantumu.3:12
  38. And if you cut them off, you're not going to see your son or your grandchildren.Dan kalau kamu potong hubungan, kamu tidak akan lihat anak atau cucu-cucumu.3:16
  39. So today, you and I are going to learn strategies and tools for dealing with the narcissism that you encounter every single day.Jadi hari ini, kamu dan aku akan belajar strategi dan alat untuk berurusan dengan narsisme yang kamu hadapi setiap hari.3:21
  40. And this is something that I'm dealing with.Dan ini adalah sesuatu yang aku hadapi.3:29
  41. And so I have a hunch that you're dealing with it too with somebody that you care about.Jadi aku punya firasat kamu juga menghadapinya dengan seseorang yang kamu sayangi.3:32
  42. And so I have a very simple mission today.Jadi aku punya misi yang sangat sederhana hari ini.3:36
  43. My mission is to empower you with knowledge and to equip you with tools and strategies, things that are proven that you can use to get on the offense insteadMisi aku adalah memberdayakan dirimu dengan pengetahuan dan memberikan dirimu alat dan strategi, hal-hal yang terbukti yang bisa kamu gunakan untuk berada di posisi menyerang bukannya3:38
  44. of feeling like you're on the defense all the time.merasa seperti kamu selalu bertahan.3:49
  45. Because there is something you can do.Karena ada sesuatu yang bisa kamu lakukan.3:51
  46. And that's why I cannot wait to introduce you to the expert.Dan itu mengapa aku tidak sabar untuk memperkenalkan dirimu ke pakar ini.3:53
  47. I have tracked this expert down and she is here to teach you how to understand, deal with, negotiate against, and even get what you want from the narcissistic peopleAku sudah melacak pakar ini dan dia ada di sini untuk mengajarkan dirimu cara memahami, berurusan dengan, negosiasi melawan, dan bahkan dapat apa yang kamu inginkan dari orang narsisis3:57
  48. in your life.dalam hidupmu.4:06
  49. Your mom, your dad, your daughter -in -law, your ex, your boss, they're going to have no idea what hit them when you're done listening to this.Ibumu, ayahmu, menantumu, mantan pacarmu, bosmu, mereka tidak akan punya ide apa yang terjadi saat kamu selesai mendengarkan ini.4:07
  50. So the expert today is Rebecca Zung.Jadi pakar hari ini adalah Rebecca Zung.4:15
  51. And Rebecca literally wrote the book on this topic.Dan Rebecca benar-benar menulis buku tentang topik ini.4:17
  52. The book is called Slay the Bulley, How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and When.Bukunya disebut Slay the Bully, How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and When.4:20
  53. And here's what I really love about her take on this topic.Dan ini yang benar-benar aku suka tentang pandangannya tentang topik ini.4:25
  54. She's a trial lawyer.Dia adalah pengacara pengadilan.4:28
  55. I'm a former trial lawyer.Aku adalah pengacara pengadilan sebelumnya.4:30
  56. I love people who think like lawyers.Aku suka orang-orang yang berpikir seperti pengacara.4:32
  57. And on this topic of narcissism, she's not taking a clinical approach.Dan tentang topik narsisme ini, dia tidak mengambil pendekatan klinis.4:35
  58. She's attacking this topic like a litigator.Dia menyerang topik ini seperti litigator.4:39
  59. She's advocating for you.Dia mengadvokasi untukmu.4:42
  60. And you know what?Dan tahu apa?4:44
  61. She's showing up to win.Dia muncul untuk menang.4:44
  62. She is one of the top ranked trial lawyers in the United States.Dia adalah salah satu pengacara pengadilan teratas di Amerika Serikat.4:46
  63. And Rebecca became an expert in this topic because she needed to get a strategy.Dan Rebecca menjadi ahli dalam topik ini karena dia butuh strategi.4:51
  64. See, she's been researching narcissism for decades.Lihat, dia telah meneliti narsisme selama puluhan tahun.4:57
  65. Why?Mengapa?5:00
  66. So she could understand the narcissism that she was seeing in opponents and outsmart them in the courtroom.Agar dia bisa memahami narsisme yang dia lihat pada lawan dan mengalahkan mereka di ruang sidang.5:01
  67. She wanted to know how they thought, how they think, their psychological disposition, and that's how she became an expert in this topic.Dia ingin tahu cara mereka berpikir, disposisi psikologis mereka, dan itulah cara dia menjadi ahli dalam topik ini.5:08
  68. And she's here to teach you how a narcissistic person thinks, acts, how to identify their emotional cycles and reactions, and also, and this is the really good part, theirDan dia ada di sini untuk mengajarkan dirimu cara orang narsisis berpikir, bertindak, cara mengidentifikasi siklus emosional dan reaksi mereka, dan juga taktik mereka5:16
  69. tactics, so that you can rise above it so that you don't get sucked into it.agar kamu bisa naik di atas itu jadi kamu tidak terseret ke dalamnya.5:27
  70. And if you pay attention and you apply what you learned, because this is not just a listening podcast, it's a learning one, you will also master Rebecca's four partDan kalau kamu perhatikan dan terapkan apa yang kamu pelajari, karena ini bukan sekadar podcast mendengarkan, ini adalah pembelajaran, kamu juga akan menguasai empat bagian strategi Rebecca yang terbukti5:35
  71. proven strategy for negotiating with narcissistic people in your life.untuk negosiasi dengan orang narsisis dalam hidupmu.5:46
  72. And if you do that, you're going to win every single day, all those little battles, you're going to win them.Dan kalau kamu lakukan itu, kamu akan menang setiap hari, semua pertempuran kecil itu, kamu akan menang.5:50
  73. There is so much to cover.Ada banyak yang harus dibahas.5:55
  74. So get your pen out, clear your schedule for the next hour, because court is in session.Jadi keluarkan pulpenmu, kosongkan jadwalmu untuk jam depan, karena pengadilan sedang berlangsung.5:56
  75. And on the docket today, everything you need to know to deal with and win with the narcissistic people in your life.Dan di daftar hari ini, semua yang kamu butuhkan tahu untuk berurusan dengan dan menang dengan orang narsisis dalam hidupmu.6:01
  76. So please, without further ado, help me welcome Rebecca Zung to the Mel Robbins podcast.Jadi silakan, tanpa banyak kata-kata, bantu aku sambut Rebecca Zung ke podcast Mel Robbins.6:08
  77. Thank you.Terima kasih.6:13
  78. Thank you so much for having me.Terima kasih banyak sudah membawaku.6:14
  79. I'm so excited to talk to you.Aku sangat senang untuk bicara dengan dirimu.6:17
  80. I know that we're all going to learn a lot and I want to jump right in.Aku tahu kita semua akan belajar banyak dan aku ingin langsung masuk.6:18
  81. My mission in speaking to you today is to give somebody who is listening to your story and to all of the tools and strategies and insights that you areMisi aku dalam berbicara dengan dirimu hari ini adalah memberi seseorang yang mendengarkan cerita kamu dan semua alat, strategi, dan wawasan yang kamu6:22
  82. about to share about identifying a narcissist in your life and learning how to negotiate with them and keep your sanity and your power intact.tentang mengidentifikasi narsisis dalam hidupmu dan belajar cara negosiasi dengan mereka dan jaga kewarasanmu dan kekuatanmu tetap utuh.6:37
  83. What I want to understand is after 20 years of litigating high net worth divorces and battling with narcissists day in and day out, can you explain how you nowApa yang aku ingin pahami adalah setelah 20 tahun memperselisihkan perceraian kekayaan bersih tinggi dan bertempur dengan narsisis hari demi hari, bisakah kamu jelaskan6:48
  84. think about narcissism based on your experience for decades, your personal experience, and all of this extensive research that you've now done on narcissism?cara kamu pikirkan tentang narsisme berdasarkan pengalamanmu selama puluhan tahun, pengalaman pribadimu, dan semua penelitian ekstensif yang kamu lakukan tentang narsisme?7:00
  85. How do you think about the definition of a narcissist?Bagaimana kamu pikirkan tentang definisi narsisis?7:11
  86. So a narcissist is not what you think.So a narcissist is not what you think.7:15
  87. A narcissist is not a person who thinks so highly of themselves.A narcissist is not a person who thinks so highly of themselves.7:19
  88. It is a person who absolutely has no feeling of value internally about themselves, feeling of value.It is a person who absolutely has no feeling of value internally about themselves, feeling of value.7:25
  89. So they have to get all of their feeling of value from external sources, which is image, mostly things related to image, which is the prestigious friends, the big houses,So they have to get all of their feeling of value from external sources, which is image, mostly things related to image, which is the prestigious friends, the big houses,7:35
  90. the money, the big cars, all of that, degrading people, devaluing people, manipulating people, and pushing people down in order to make themselves feel better.the money, the big cars, all of that, degrading people, devaluing people, manipulating people, and pushing people down in order to make themselves feel better.7:48
  91. But it's an endless amount that they need because they can never get enough.But it's an endless amount that they need because they can never get enough.8:01
  92. It's completely scarcity -based.It's completely scarcity -based.8:06
  93. It's fear -based.It's fear -based.8:10
  94. It's all of that.It's all of that.8:11
  95. So you're left feeling totally and completely empty and yet they're still starving because they can never get enough.So you're left feeling totally and completely empty and yet they're still starving because they can never get enough.8:12
  96. Rebecca, just listening to you, I just exhale.Rebecca, just listening to you, I just exhale.8:20
  97. Having dealt with narcissists in my life, I mean, it's exhausting.Having dealt with narcissists in my life, I mean, it's exhausting.8:22
  98. You do feel alone.You do feel alone.8:26
  99. You feel empty because if you've ever had that experience where you're like, am I going crazy?You feel empty because if you've ever had that experience where you're like, am I going crazy?8:28
  100. Like, why is this person always making me feel like I'm the problem?Like, why is this person always making me feel like I'm the problem?8:33
  101. And then they still want more no matter what you do.And then they still want more no matter what you do.8:39
  102. We're going to get into how narcissism is formed.We're going to get into how narcissism is formed.8:42
  103. This is fascinating stuff that you need to know.This is fascinating stuff that you need to know.8:45
  104. You are absolutely going to learn all of the things that Rebecca's going to teach you, the words that you should say that defuse a narcissist, her four -step planYou are absolutely going to learn all of the things that Rebecca's going to teach you, the words that you should say that defuse a narcissist, her four -step plan8:48
  105. that will help you get what you want even if you're dealing with a narcissist in your life.that will help you get what you want even if you're dealing with a narcissist in your life.8:56
  106. But before we go there, could you just tell the person listening what's available to them?But before we go there, could you just tell the person listening what's available to them?9:01
  107. Because I think you get so beaten down when you're dealing with narcissism in your life that you do believe you're the problem.Because I think you get so beaten down when you're dealing with narcissism in your life that you do believe you're the problem.9:07
  108. You do believe that something's wrong with you.You do believe that something's wrong with you.9:13
  109. And if you're listening to my words and you're feeling used and exhausted or scared, Rebecca, I want you to explain to the person listening.And if you're listening to my words and you're feeling used and exhausted or scared, Rebecca, I want you to explain to the person listening.9:17
  110. What could their life look like?What could their life look like?9:27
  111. Where could their life be if they take the time to learn the tools and the strategies that you're about to teach them so that you can keep your sanityWhere could their life be if they take the time to learn the tools and the strategies that you're about to teach them so that you can keep your sanity9:29
  112. intact.intact.9:43
  113. You can stand up to the narcissist in your life when it's important to do so and so that you don't get so sucked in to the way that theyYou can stand up to the narcissist in your life when it's important to do so and so that you don't get so sucked in to the way that they9:44
  114. go about life.go about life.9:55
  115. Because I think that's part of the problem is that their strategies work, which is why we get so turned around.Because I think that's part of the problem is that their strategies work, which is why we get so turned around.9:56
  116. I want to start with you standing in your authentic power.I want to start with you standing in your authentic power.10:01
  117. And I love the concept of the Wizard of Oz.And I love the concept of the Wizard of Oz.10:04
  118. I want to start with that because I just think it's so beautiful, which is that the Wizard is really the narcissist in a way, which is this big head.I want to start with that because I just think it's so beautiful, which is that the Wizard is really the narcissist in a way, which is this big head.10:09
  119. He pretends like he's something that he's not.He pretends like he's something that he's not.10:23
  120. And he's actually this feeble little man who's afraid.And he's actually this feeble little man who's afraid.10:27
  121. And that's really what a narcissist is.And that's really what a narcissist is.10:32
  122. And to me, you're like Dorothy who's trying to find yourself.And to me, you're like Dorothy who's trying to find yourself.10:35
  123. You're trying to figure out who you actually are.You're trying to figure out who you actually are.10:41
  124. And what you're really trying to get to is Glinda who knows who she is the whole time.And what you're really trying to get to is Glinda who knows who she is the whole time.10:44
  125. And to me, she's sort of like your soul.And to me, she's sort of like your soul.10:50
  126. There's a very subtle part of the movie, which is where Glinda is talking to the gang.There's a very subtle part of the movie, which is where Glinda is talking to the gang.10:53
  127. And the Wicked Witch comes around and she flies near Glinda.And the Wicked Witch comes around and she flies near Glinda.11:01
  128. I don't know if you remember where she says to the Wicked Witch, go away, you have no power here.I don't know if you remember where she says to the Wicked Witch, go away, you have no power here.11:09
  129. Do you remember that?Do you remember that?11:15
  130. Yes.Yes.11:17
  131. That's where you're going.That's where you're going.11:18
  132. That's where you're going.That's where you're going.11:21
  133. That's that authentic power.That's that authentic power.11:22
  134. When you can stand in your authentic power, to me, it's aligned with source.When you can stand in your authentic power, to me, it's aligned with source.11:24
  135. When you are aligned with source, you know who you are and you are in your purpose.When you are aligned with source, you know who you are and you are in your purpose.11:29
  136. What people need to know is like, once you know who you truly are, you know, you stand in your authentic power and then that's the narcissist is like, goWhat people need to know is like, once you know who you truly are, you know, you stand in your authentic power and then that's the narcissist is like, go11:36
  137. away, you have no power here.away, you have no power here.11:47
  138. I love that.I love that.11:49
  139. Don't you love that, that idea that you could stand in your power and be like, go away, go away little narcissist.Don't you love that, that idea that you could stand in your power and be like, go away, go away little narcissist.11:50
  140. And that's exactly what's happened to me.And that's exactly what's happened to me.11:55
  141. I have somebody who is very narcissistic in my life.I have somebody who is very narcissistic in my life.11:58
  142. I am not getting them out of my life, but everything you're about to learn has helped me stand in my power.I am not getting them out of my life, but everything you're about to learn has helped me stand in my power.12:02
  143. So they have no power over me.So they have no power over me.12:08
  144. And that's exactly what you're going to get out of this conversation today.And that's exactly what you're going to get out of this conversation today.12:11
  145. So that's incredible.So that's incredible.12:14
  146. Thank you for taking the time to explain that, Rebecca.Thank you for taking the time to explain that, Rebecca.12:16
  147. And now that we know where we're going and what's available to you to be able to stand in your full power and be like, bye, bye, narcissist.And now that we know where we're going and what's available to you to be able to stand in your full power and be like, bye, bye, narcissist.12:18
  148. I want to start with this.I want to start with this.12:27
  149. So Rebecca, you spent 20 years as one of the top rank lawyers, literally battling, negotiating, litigating with narcissists.So Rebecca, you spent 20 years as one of the top rank lawyers, literally battling, negotiating, litigating with narcissists.12:29
  150. You have written three books on the subject.You have written three books on the subject.12:38
  151. You have studied this so that you can win.You have studied this so that you can win.12:41
  152. And you have identified that there are three different types of narcissists.And you have identified that there are three different types of narcissists.12:44
  153. And for you listening, this is a really important place for us to start because awareness is critical to changing anything for the better.And for you listening, this is a really important place for us to start because awareness is critical to changing anything for the better.12:49
  154. And when you know that there are three different types, it's much easier to spot.And when you know that there are three different types, it's much easier to spot.12:55
  155. And then you know what?And then you know what?12:59
  156. You're going to be able to stand in your power and use the strategies and not get hooked into this.You're going to be able to stand in your power and use the strategies and not get hooked into this.12:59
  157. So Rebecca, let's talk about the three types of narcissists that you've been researching.So Rebecca, let's talk about the three types of narcissists that you've been researching.13:04
  158. Well, the three most common ones that you hear about are the covert, grandiose, and malignant.Well, the three most common ones that you hear about are the covert, grandiose, and malignant.13:09
  159. And there's other types of narcissists.And there's other types of narcissists.13:16
  160. And there's even a healthy narcissism as well.And there's even a healthy narcissism as well.13:19
  161. But so I want to make sure that I'm clear on that.But so I want to make sure that I'm clear on that.13:21
  162. It's not that those are the only types.It's not that those are the only types.13:24
  163. Well, let me start with the grandiose, which is the type that I just sort of described, which is the one that everybody normally thinks of as a narcissist.Well, let me start with the grandiose, which is the type that I just sort of described, which is the one that everybody normally thinks of as a narcissist.13:26
  164. It's the one that's sort of in your face, the one that's bragging about themselves, the one that is more impulsive.It's the one that's sort of in your face, the one that's bragging about themselves, the one that is more impulsive.13:36
  165. The grandiose is the one that everybody thinks of as a narcissist.The grandiose is the one that everybody thinks of as a narcissist.13:45
  166. I kind of think of it as your garden variety narcissist.I kind of think of it as your garden variety narcissist.13:48
  167. And to me, they're the easiest ones to spot.And to me, they're the easiest ones to spot.13:51
  168. So the covert narcissist is the one that to me in some ways is the stealthiest, in some ways is the more dangerous, because they're the ones that are passiveSo the covert narcissist is the one that to me in some ways is the stealthiest, in some ways is the more dangerous, because they're the ones that are passive13:56
  169. aggressive.aggressive.14:11
  170. They're your humanitarians.They're your humanitarians.14:13
  171. They're the oftentimes clergy.They're the oftentimes clergy.14:16
  172. Oftentimes doctors, lawyers, everybody thinks they're so nice.Oftentimes doctors, lawyers, everybody thinks they're so nice.14:20
  173. Everybody thinks they're so wonderful.Everybody thinks they're so wonderful.14:25
  174. Many times they present themselves as victims.Many times they present themselves as victims.14:27
  175. Oh my gosh, life isn't fair.Oh my gosh, life isn't fair.14:31
  176. And so everybody rushes to take care of them.And so everybody rushes to take care of them.14:33
  177. Or they're the ones who agree to do things in your face.Or they're the ones who agree to do things in your face.14:38
  178. Oh yes, of course I'll do that, but then they don't.Oh yes, of course I'll do that, but then they don't.14:43
  179. Or they take credit for your work.Or they take credit for your work.14:46
  180. It's like this underlying rage.It's like this underlying rage.14:48
  181. There's just like right underneath the surface, there's this rage and jealousy that only you sort of see, but everybody else thinks that they're so nice and so wonderful.There's just like right underneath the surface, there's this rage and jealousy that only you sort of see, but everybody else thinks that they're so nice and so wonderful.14:50
  182. But you are just constantly subjected to this underlying sort of thing.But you are just constantly subjected to this underlying sort of thing.15:01
  183. And you can't really quite put your finger on it, but you just know that there's always sort of this something, these little comments, these little jabs.And you can't really quite put your finger on it, but you just know that there's always sort of this something, these little comments, these little jabs.15:08
  184. Oh, what's the name of your book again?Oh, what's the name of your book again?15:19
  185. I can't, I can never quite remember.I can't, I can never quite remember.15:21
  186. Or you know, like things like that.Or you know, like things like that.15:23
  187. Oh, I'm so happy for you.Oh, I'm so happy for you.15:26
  188. Oh, that's so nice.Oh, that's so nice.15:28
  189. You know, but there's, when you go to tell somebody about it, it's not quite enough for people to go, oh okay, you know, most people think, oh, I'm sureYou know, but there's, when you go to tell somebody about it, it's not quite enough for people to go, oh okay, you know, most people think, oh, I'm sure15:29
  190. that was inadvertent.that was inadvertent.15:39
  191. Oh, well she's so nice.Oh, well she's so nice.15:41
  192. I can't imagine that they really meant that.I can't imagine that they really meant that.15:42
  193. You know, I mean, but you just know they're taken together as a whole collectively.You know, I mean, but you just know they're taken together as a whole collectively.15:47
  194. It's just, you feel like you're going crazy.It's just, you feel like you're going crazy.15:52
  195. Can you give us an example?Can you give us an example?15:56
  196. Give us an example because you actually dealt with one because I'm sitting here trying to rack my brain.Give us an example because you actually dealt with one because I'm sitting here trying to rack my brain.15:57
  197. Okay.Okay.16:01
  198. Do you want to know a covert passive aggressive narcissist?Do you want to know a covert passive aggressive narcissist?16:02
  199. What am I looking for?What am I looking for?16:05
  200. Absolutely.Absolutely.16:06
  201. So they will start seeding their smearing, for example, in a divorce maybe six months prior.So they will start seeding their smearing, for example, in a divorce maybe six months prior.16:07
  202. So here's a way that they'll do that.So here's a way that they'll do that.16:19
  203. They might start to say, I am so concerned about Johnny and his drinking.They might start to say, I am so concerned about Johnny and his drinking.16:21
  204. Just so concerned about him.Just so concerned about him.16:30
  205. So they couch their concern and you know, they're smearing in terms of concern.So they couch their concern and you know, they're smearing in terms of concern.16:33
  206. Just so worried.Just so worried.16:39
  207. So worried about him.So worried about him.16:41
  208. You know, like that to a neighbor or to a friend, just so concerned.You know, like that to a neighbor or to a friend, just so concerned.16:44
  209. And so they start this down, you know, early, early on.And so they start this down, you know, early, early on.16:51
  210. And then by the time the divorce actually happens, then, you know, Johnny has a full blown drinking problem.And then by the time the divorce actually happens, then, you know, Johnny has a full blown drinking problem.16:57
  211. Well, you know, I've been talking to you about this for months.Well, you know, I've been talking to you about this for months.17:09
  212. Well, you know, you'll, you'll testify for me against him, you know, in the divorce for custody.Well, you know, you'll, you'll testify for me against him, you know, in the divorce for custody.17:12
  213. Now, won't you?Now, won't you?17:19
  214. I mean, I've been telling you for months, he's got a drinking problem.I mean, I've been telling you for months, he's got a drinking problem.17:20
  215. And now he probably has no problem with drinking whatsoever.And now he probably has no problem with drinking whatsoever.17:23
  216. You know, they've been laying this foundation about, you know, concern and care.You know, they've been laying this foundation about, you know, concern and care.17:28
  217. And they do it in such a way that is so plausible and so, they seem like they're such a good person.And they do it in such a way that is so plausible and so, they seem like they're such a good person.17:36
  218. There are like little things like an email chain that, you know, you get left off of.There are like little things like an email chain that, you know, you get left off of.17:46
  219. And all of a sudden, you're not in a meeting that you were, that you should have been on.And all of a sudden, you're not in a meeting that you were, that you should have been on.17:54
  220. And, you know, there they are on an important meeting for work.And, you know, there they are on an important meeting for work.18:00
  221. And, you know, clients are like, oh, how come you weren't on that meeting?And, you know, clients are like, oh, how come you weren't on that meeting?18:05
  222. And, you know, like, well, I didn't get the, oh, I really thought you were on.And, you know, like, well, I didn't get the, oh, I really thought you were on.18:10
  223. I don't know how I missed you being on that email chain.I don't know how I missed you being on that email chain.18:15
  224. I really thought you were on that.I really thought you were on that.18:20
  225. Sorry.Sorry.18:22
  226. Taking credit for your, your work, seeing people on particular interviews and using your own quotes.Taking credit for your, your work, seeing people on particular interviews and using your own quotes.18:24
  227. You know, that very clearly are yours.You know, that very clearly are yours.18:35
  228. And, you know, that sort of thing.And, you know, that sort of thing.18:38
  229. Let's go to the third one.Let's go to the third one.18:42
  230. So you said there's the grand grandiose, the covert passive aggressive narcissist.So you said there's the grand grandiose, the covert passive aggressive narcissist.18:43
  231. What was the third?What was the third?18:48
  232. Malignant is malignant narcissist tend to just be, you know, they're the ones that have no problem just completely ruining your life.Malignant is malignant narcissist tend to just be, you know, they're the ones that have no problem just completely ruining your life.18:49
  233. This is the one that will honestly just accuse you of being a child molester if you, and you've never touched a child whatsoever.This is the one that will honestly just accuse you of being a child molester if you, and you've never touched a child whatsoever.18:58
  234. This is the one that will stalk you.This is the one that will stalk you.19:08
  235. They will threaten you.They will threaten you.19:12
  236. They violence, you know, and, and by the way, there can be combinations of the types of narcissists as well.They violence, you know, and, and by the way, there can be combinations of the types of narcissists as well.19:15
  237. That's kind of scary.That's kind of scary.19:24
  238. Let's keep going.Let's keep going.19:27
  239. And here's where I want our conversation to go next.And here's where I want our conversation to go next.19:29
  240. One thing that changed my life forever when it comes to narcissism is understanding the origin of narcissism in somebody because we throw the word around and you may believeOne thing that changed my life forever when it comes to narcissism is understanding the origin of narcissism in somebody because we throw the word around and you may believe19:32
  241. that somebody just chooses to be a narcissist.that somebody just chooses to be a narcissist.19:44
  242. That's not what happens.That's not what happens.19:47
  243. And Rebecca, you decided to dig into the psychology.And Rebecca, you decided to dig into the psychology.19:48
  244. And what I love about how you've researched this topic is you thought about it like a lawyer.And what I love about how you've researched this topic is you thought about it like a lawyer.19:54
  245. And lawyers dig into the cases.And lawyers dig into the cases.20:00
  246. They dig into the evidence.They dig into the evidence.20:02
  247. They dig into the precedent.They dig into the precedent.20:03
  248. And you wanted to learn about the psychology of narcissism and where it begins and how it affects somebody's ability to think, how it affects their emotions, because that's criticalAnd you wanted to learn about the psychology of narcissism and where it begins and how it affects somebody's ability to think, how it affects their emotions, because that's critical20:04
  249. to you being a badass in the courtroom.to you being a badass in the courtroom.20:15
  250. And so you dug into the topic of the psychology of a narcissist with the lens of I got to know how to win.And so you dug into the topic of the psychology of a narcissist with the lens of I got to know how to win.20:18
  251. So I got to understand how somebody comes to be like this and how this impacts their emotions and their logic and their thinking and what you discovered and howSo I got to understand how somebody comes to be like this and how this impacts their emotions and their logic and their thinking and what you discovered and how20:24
  252. you explain it.you explain it.20:34
  253. I think is really cool.I think is really cool.20:35
  254. So let's go there now.So let's go there now.20:36
  255. When you were researching the psychology of origin, like how someone becomes narcissistic, and obviously this is a spectrum, what did you discover?When you were researching the psychology of origin, like how someone becomes narcissistic, and obviously this is a spectrum, what did you discover?20:37
  256. Yeah.Yeah.20:48
  257. So what I found out, and I found this to be really, really fascinating, is that it's a result of trauma.So what I found out, and I found this to be really, really fascinating, is that it's a result of trauma.20:49
  258. And what happens with the brain when we are exposed to trauma, we have a stress response.And what happens with the brain when we are exposed to trauma, we have a stress response.21:00
  259. What happens to all of us is when we are in stress, it activates our sympathetic nervous system.What happens to all of us is when we are in stress, it activates our sympathetic nervous system.21:09
  260. So we go into fight or flight when that happens.So we go into fight or flight when that happens.21:20
  261. And it, our brains release hormones, mostly adrenaline and cortisol when that happens.And it, our brains release hormones, mostly adrenaline and cortisol when that happens.21:23
  262. So as children, when that happens, and it happens on a regular basis or a continuous basis, it can actually cause arrested development in the limbic system part of aSo as children, when that happens, and it happens on a regular basis or a continuous basis, it can actually cause arrested development in the limbic system part of a21:30
  263. child's brain, in the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, for the emotional regulation for a child.child's brain, in the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, for the emotional regulation for a child.21:51
  264. And so what happens is as they grow, while the prefrontal cortex part of their brain can continue to develop, there can actually develop a lag between the prefrontal cortex,And so what happens is as they grow, while the prefrontal cortex part of their brain can continue to develop, there can actually develop a lag between the prefrontal cortex,22:07
  265. which is the reasoning part of the brain, the judgment part of the brain, and the emotional center part of the brain, which is the limbic system part of thewhich is the reasoning part of the brain, the judgment part of the brain, and the emotional center part of the brain, which is the limbic system part of the22:22
  266. brain.brain.22:31
  267. This is why I wanted to have you on the Mel Robbins podcast.This is why I wanted to have you on the Mel Robbins podcast.22:31
  268. And maybe it's because I'm a lawyer.And maybe it's because I'm a lawyer.22:36
  269. And so I love how you research, but I want to take a highlighter and I want to highlight this right now for you listening.And so I love how you research, but I want to take a highlighter and I want to highlight this right now for you listening.22:38
  270. Because if you've never heard that narcissism is not something someone's born with, it is created in childhood.Because if you've never heard that narcissism is not something someone's born with, it is created in childhood.22:46
  271. It is the result of repeated trauma.It is the result of repeated trauma.22:55
  272. And what Rebecca is explaining to you, and this piece of it is critical, that the trauma during childhood, emotional neglect, physical abuse, whatever the trauma may be, it causesAnd what Rebecca is explaining to you, and this piece of it is critical, that the trauma during childhood, emotional neglect, physical abuse, whatever the trauma may be, it causes22:59
  273. arrested development in the part of the brain that is responsible for someone's emotions.arrested development in the part of the brain that is responsible for someone's emotions.23:12
  274. And what does that mean?And what does that mean?23:21
  275. That means that while their prefrontal cortex or their thinking part of the brain is fully functioning, their emotional part of the brain is lagging.That means that while their prefrontal cortex or their thinking part of the brain is fully functioning, their emotional part of the brain is lagging.23:23
  276. That's why somebody who has a narcissistic personality has so little emotional control.That's why somebody who has a narcissistic personality has so little emotional control.23:35
  277. And when you start to understand, oh, wait a minute, the thinking part of the brain goes forward, but the emotional one literally stops.And when you start to understand, oh, wait a minute, the thinking part of the brain goes forward, but the emotional one literally stops.23:44
  278. If you've ever dealt with somebody who's narcissistic, I bet they spend on a dime.If you've ever dealt with somebody who's narcissistic, I bet they spend on a dime.23:52
  279. I bet all of a sudden they can rage at you.I bet all of a sudden they can rage at you.23:57
  280. I bet all of a sudden they're like irrational.I bet all of a sudden they're like irrational.23:58
  281. And when I started to realize in my own brain, oh, wait a minute, this is something that a narcissistic person has no control over.And when I started to realize in my own brain, oh, wait a minute, this is something that a narcissistic person has no control over.24:01
  282. This is why they're so unpredictable.This is why they're so unpredictable.24:11
  283. This is why they're immature.This is why they're immature.24:14
  284. This is why they can say such mean things and be like, I need me to add that.This is why they can say such mean things and be like, I need me to add that.24:17
  285. It has to do with the delay in the emotional development while the thinking part of the brain is proceeding.It has to do with the delay in the emotional development while the thinking part of the brain is proceeding.24:21
  286. And this is really important for you to understand because this is not your fault.And this is really important for you to understand because this is not your fault.24:28
  287. Yes.Yes.24:32
  288. There is nothing you can do to change this.There is nothing you can do to change this.24:32
  289. And getting yourself all wrapped around the axle because you got somebody in your life that tantrums at you like some eight -year -old.And getting yourself all wrapped around the axle because you got somebody in your life that tantrums at you like some eight -year -old.24:35
  290. This is part of how the brain developed because of the, you heard the word again, arrested development in the limbic system.This is part of how the brain developed because of the, you heard the word again, arrested development in the limbic system.24:41
  291. And this was critical for Rebecca to learn so that she could navigate the courtroom, so that she could be a savvy negotiator, so that she could get into theAnd this was critical for Rebecca to learn so that she could navigate the courtroom, so that she could be a savvy negotiator, so that she could get into the24:49
  292. courtroom or into the deposition and win because she knows she's dealing with somebody who's super sharp in the mind but ridiculously immature in the emotions.courtroom or into the deposition and win because she knows she's dealing with somebody who's super sharp in the mind but ridiculously immature in the emotions.24:59
  293. And this is so life -changing for you to wrap your brain around because this has nothing to do with you.And this is so life -changing for you to wrap your brain around because this has nothing to do with you.25:07
  294. And later, I promise you, Rebecca Zun is going to teach you her four -step proven approach to negotiating with somebody that has narcissism and still winning.And later, I promise you, Rebecca Zun is going to teach you her four -step proven approach to negotiating with somebody that has narcissism and still winning.25:14
  295. She's also going to give you the phrases that she likes to say that really disarms somebody with this kind of arrested development.She's also going to give you the phrases that she likes to say that really disarms somebody with this kind of arrested development.25:24
  296. And when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, you better be here because I'm going to be here with Rebecca and you know what we're talkingAnd when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, you better be here because I'm going to be here with Rebecca and you know what we're talking25:31
  297. about?about?25:38
  298. We're talking about this phenomenon called blindness that happens when you have narcissism.We're talking about this phenomenon called blindness that happens when you have narcissism.25:38
  299. And this is also part of how a person's brain develops during early childhood.And this is also part of how a person's brain develops during early childhood.25:43
  300. And I can't wait for you to hear this, so stay with us.And I can't wait for you to hear this, so stay with us.25:50
  301. Welcome back.Welcome back.25:54
  302. It's your friend Mel Robbins.It's your friend Mel Robbins.25:55
  303. I am so thrilled that you're still here because we are with Rebecca Zung.I am so thrilled that you're still here because we are with Rebecca Zung.25:57
  304. She is one of the world's highest ranked attorneys, world's the U .S.She is one of the world's highest ranked attorneys, world's the U .S.26:00
  305. Okay, I'm just so excited.Okay, I'm just so excited.26:04
  306. I'm now starting to inflate her credentials, but the bottom line is she's a badass.I'm now starting to inflate her credentials, but the bottom line is she's a badass.26:06
  307. And she's here teaching you and I about narcissism and what she's learned as a lawyer and in research and writing three different books on the topic about understanding howAnd she's here teaching you and I about narcissism and what she's learned as a lawyer and in research and writing three different books on the topic about understanding how26:11
  308. nice narcissism is developed as a result of childhood trauma.nice narcissism is developed as a result of childhood trauma.26:24
  309. And I want to recap what you've already learned because this is going to empower you.And I want to recap what you've already learned because this is going to empower you.26:28
  310. So you've already learned that narcissists are not born, they are made and they are the result of childhood trauma.So you've already learned that narcissists are not born, they are made and they are the result of childhood trauma.26:33
  311. And I'm going to repeat this part because this is a game changer when you understand this.And I'm going to repeat this part because this is a game changer when you understand this.26:43
  312. Due to childhood trauma, somebody with narcissistic tendencies or full blown narcissism, what happens is the thinking part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, it keeps on going and developing.Due to childhood trauma, somebody with narcissistic tendencies or full blown narcissism, what happens is the thinking part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, it keeps on going and developing.26:47
  313. But the limbic system, the emotional controls has this arrested development, which is why when you're dealing with somebody that has narcissistic tendencies, they can seem super irrational or emotionallyBut the limbic system, the emotional controls has this arrested development, which is why when you're dealing with somebody that has narcissistic tendencies, they can seem super irrational or emotionally26:59
  314. immature or like crazy selfish, like a six year old who doesn't want to share their toys and then erupts in something and then you're like, what is going on?immature or like crazy selfish, like a six year old who doesn't want to share their toys and then erupts in something and then you're like, what is going on?27:15
  315. And then somehow you feel like you're the problem.And then somehow you feel like you're the problem.27:23
  316. And so Rebecca, I want to continue right in this thread and I want to flip the script a little bit.And so Rebecca, I want to continue right in this thread and I want to flip the script a little bit.27:28
  317. Let's, as you're listening, I want you to think about somebody in your life that you're dealing with that either has narcissistic tendencies or is a full blown narcissist.Let's, as you're listening, I want you to think about somebody in your life that you're dealing with that either has narcissistic tendencies or is a full blown narcissist.27:37
  318. Maybe it's your mom or dad, maybe it's your ex, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a boss, maybe it's a kid, somebody in your life that really fits theMaybe it's your mom or dad, maybe it's your ex, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a boss, maybe it's a kid, somebody in your life that really fits the27:47
  319. description that you're starting to fully grasp.description that you're starting to fully grasp.27:56
  320. Good.Good.28:01
  321. You got that person?You got that person?28:02
  322. Great.Great.28:03
  323. Now I want you to take that person.Now I want you to take that person.28:04
  324. Let's just say it's your dad and let's shrink your dad down and imagine who's just a little kid who is experiencing a traumatic situation in their house, whether it'sLet's just say it's your dad and let's shrink your dad down and imagine who's just a little kid who is experiencing a traumatic situation in their house, whether it's28:05
  325. emotional abuse, it's physical abuse, it's abandonment, it's loneliness, it's like whatever it may be, that that is their reality.emotional abuse, it's physical abuse, it's abandonment, it's loneliness, it's like whatever it may be, that that is their reality.28:19
  326. And so what, can you explain what's going on for that little eight year old kid that's exposed to this, Rebecca, and how narcissism develops?And so what, can you explain what's going on for that little eight year old kid that's exposed to this, Rebecca, and how narcissism develops?28:28
  327. So for children who are dealing with this continuously in households where there's a lot of stress, where there's a lot of trauma and they're exposed to this on aSo for children who are dealing with this continuously in households where there's a lot of stress, where there's a lot of trauma and they're exposed to this on a28:37
  328. continuous basis, while the prefrontal cortex part of the brain continues to develop, the part of the brain responsible for judgment or other thinking, planning, that continue to develop.continuous basis, while the prefrontal cortex part of the brain continues to develop, the part of the brain responsible for judgment or other thinking, planning, that continue to develop.28:51
  329. And so during the rest of their lives as adults, they appear to be functioning normally.And so during the rest of their lives as adults, they appear to be functioning normally.29:07
  330. There's actually a disconnect between the development between that part of the brain and the limbic system part of their brains.There's actually a disconnect between the development between that part of the brain and the limbic system part of their brains.29:13
  331. And so while they are functioning normally in one part of their lives, and now something might happen, some sort of trigger, some sort of stimuli has caused them toAnd so while they are functioning normally in one part of their lives, and now something might happen, some sort of trigger, some sort of stimuli has caused them to29:25
  332. feel like they need to be back into survival mode.feel like they need to be back into survival mode.29:45
  333. And that stimuli can be anything.And that stimuli can be anything.29:51
  334. And most times it's not necessarily rational or reasonable to most people, but it is to them.And most times it's not necessarily rational or reasonable to most people, but it is to them.29:55
  335. And it can be anything.And it can be anything.30:09
  336. It can be nonverbal or it could be verbal.It can be nonverbal or it could be verbal.30:13
  337. It can be a nonverbal cue such as an eye roll or a stance, or it could be a tone of voice.It can be a nonverbal cue such as an eye roll or a stance, or it could be a tone of voice.30:18
  338. I always say narcissists hear tones like dogs hear whistles, but you know, there's no tone, but they hear tone.I always say narcissists hear tones like dogs hear whistles, but you know, there's no tone, but they hear tone.30:28
  339. So, you know, it could be anything, but they get triggered that thing triggers them.So, you know, it could be anything, but they get triggered that thing triggers them.30:35
  340. And because of their the phenomenon called splitting that they have where everything is black or white or good or bad or whatever, when that trigger happens, now they goAnd because of their the phenomenon called splitting that they have where everything is black or white or good or bad or whatever, when that trigger happens, now they go30:43
  341. from that prefrontal cortex back into the limbic system that limbic system becomes activated.from that prefrontal cortex back into the limbic system that limbic system becomes activated.30:58
  342. And now you're dealing with that limbic system or they are dealing with that limbic system.And now you're dealing with that limbic system or they are dealing with that limbic system.31:04
  343. And that emotionally charged state is what is taking over now at that point.And that emotionally charged state is what is taking over now at that point.31:11
  344. And that is now they're that front part of their brain is no longer in charge anymore.And that is now they're that front part of their brain is no longer in charge anymore.31:18
  345. If their limbic system is now in charge.If their limbic system is now in charge.31:26
  346. And when that happens, they don't necessarily remember or know what they're doing.And when that happens, they don't necessarily remember or know what they're doing.31:29
  347. That's what's now happening.That's what's now happening.31:37
  348. And that when that happens, it's what's narcissistic injury is what it's called.And that when that happens, it's what's narcissistic injury is what it's called.31:40
  349. And they will then take themselves down sometimes to take you down.And they will then take themselves down sometimes to take you down.31:47
  350. The retaliation might happen.The retaliation might happen.31:54
  351. They inflict harm.They inflict harm.31:57
  352. They manipulate.They manipulate.31:59
  353. They they have little recollection of their actions at that point.They they have little recollection of their actions at that point.32:02
  354. And they are seemingly blind or indifferent to the collateral damage that they cause to themselves or others during that state.And they are seemingly blind or indifferent to the collateral damage that they cause to themselves or others during that state.32:07
  355. They are literally blinded by their actions.They are literally blinded by their actions.32:21
  356. We have to stop on this point right here.We have to stop on this point right here.32:29
  357. Because what Rebecca is explaining to you when she talks about blindness and this being tied to the brain development, this changed my freaking life.Because what Rebecca is explaining to you when she talks about blindness and this being tied to the brain development, this changed my freaking life.32:34
  358. And I want to take a highlighter and I want it to change your life.And I want to take a highlighter and I want it to change your life.32:50
  359. Because when you have somebody that is narcissistic in your life and they say, I never said that that never happened, you're wrong.Because when you have somebody that is narcissistic in your life and they say, I never said that that never happened, you're wrong.32:55
  360. I didn't mean that.I didn't mean that.33:04
  361. I always felt like they were lying to me that there was this intent to destroy right.I always felt like they were lying to me that there was this intent to destroy right.33:06
  362. And when I dug into the research, just like Rebecca dug into the research, and I learned that there is this term blindness that due to the arrested development inAnd when I dug into the research, just like Rebecca dug into the research, and I learned that there is this term blindness that due to the arrested development in33:15
  363. the limbic system, which means they have little to no emotional control, right?the limbic system, which means they have little to no emotional control, right?33:30
  364. That the emotional eruption when they get that wave of emotion, it does override the thinking center and they completely forget what they did.That the emotional eruption when they get that wave of emotion, it does override the thinking center and they completely forget what they did.33:35
  365. And so I will say, are there narcissists that do it intentionally?And so I will say, are there narcissists that do it intentionally?33:48
  366. Probably.Probably.33:52
  367. But it was super helpful for me to realize that there are things that have gone down in our family, for example, in the past, where somebody with a narcissisticBut it was super helpful for me to realize that there are things that have gone down in our family, for example, in the past, where somebody with a narcissistic33:53
  368. personality or narcissistic tendencies erupted and said some really cruel things.personality or narcissistic tendencies erupted and said some really cruel things.34:06
  369. There were tears.There were tears.34:14
  370. There was a fight.There was a fight.34:16
  371. There was upset.There was upset.34:17
  372. And it has always bothered me that the person has operated as if it never happened.And it has always bothered me that the person has operated as if it never happened.34:19
  373. And what I've come to realize is that based on the research, if it is a heightened emotional state, they might not even remember that it happened.And what I've come to realize is that based on the research, if it is a heightened emotional state, they might not even remember that it happened.34:26
  374. And if we track back to the example that I gave you, remember when I asked you to just imagine, let's just say it's your dad who's narcissistic, and imagineAnd if we track back to the example that I gave you, remember when I asked you to just imagine, let's just say it's your dad who's narcissistic, and imagine34:36
  375. him as an eight year old freaking out, right?him as an eight year old freaking out, right?34:46
  376. And having a complete temper tantrum.And having a complete temper tantrum.34:49
  377. Do they remember the mechanics of the temper tantrum?Do they remember the mechanics of the temper tantrum?34:51
  378. Usually they don't.Usually they don't.34:55
  379. And so you kind of know this based on your experience, but being able to tell yourself, oh, they say this because they actually don't remember saying it.And so you kind of know this based on your experience, but being able to tell yourself, oh, they say this because they actually don't remember saying it.34:56
  380. Yeah, they may be a sociopath dickhead too, but there's also this kind of again, spectrum where because somebody is so emotionally immature and they get so triggered so fastYeah, they may be a sociopath dickhead too, but there's also this kind of again, spectrum where because somebody is so emotionally immature and they get so triggered so fast35:04
  381. and then they erupt with emotion and then they forget that they actually said it.and then they erupt with emotion and then they forget that they actually said it.35:17
  382. And one of the things that I love about this is we have had a number of the world's most renowned experts on this show.And one of the things that I love about this is we have had a number of the world's most renowned experts on this show.35:21
  383. And one of my favorite things that I have ever learned about narcissism, I have learned from Dr.And one of my favorite things that I have ever learned about narcissism, I have learned from Dr.35:31
  384. Romani Diversilla, who by the way is coming up for a two part series because she has a new book out about healing after you've been sucked into a narcissisticRomani Diversilla, who by the way is coming up for a two part series because she has a new book out about healing after you've been sucked into a narcissistic35:38
  385. relationship.relationship.35:48
  386. But one of the things that I learned from her, and this is this is why I keep repeating this stuff that narcissists are not born, they're made and they'reBut one of the things that I learned from her, and this is this is why I keep repeating this stuff that narcissists are not born, they're made and they're35:49
  387. made during childhood.made during childhood.35:57
  388. And what I loved about that is that it allowed me to kind of feel sorry for a narcissist.And what I loved about that is that it allowed me to kind of feel sorry for a narcissist.35:58
  389. And that may sound like a weird thing to say.And that may sound like a weird thing to say.36:04
  390. But when you feel sorry for somebody, you get your power back because they don't seem so big and scary anymore.But when you feel sorry for somebody, you get your power back because they don't seem so big and scary anymore.36:07
  391. When I look at an adult who is narcissistic, you know what I feel?When I look at an adult who is narcissistic, you know what I feel?36:15
  392. I'm like, wow, you must have experienced a lot of trauma as a kid.I'm like, wow, you must have experienced a lot of trauma as a kid.36:19
  393. Feel pretty bad for you.Feel pretty bad for you.36:22
  394. And that ability to feel empathy or sadness or feel bad for somebody, it gives me my power and makes me not susceptible to their BS, you know what I'mAnd that ability to feel empathy or sadness or feel bad for somebody, it gives me my power and makes me not susceptible to their BS, you know what I'm36:24
  395. saying?saying?36:34
  396. And so knowing that narcissists are not born that way, they're made.And so knowing that narcissists are not born that way, they're made.36:35
  397. Tap into a little empathy.Tap into a little empathy.36:42
  398. And now you know, because there is this arrested development, you are dealing with somebody who is not mature emotionally.And now you know, because there is this arrested development, you are dealing with somebody who is not mature emotionally.36:44
  399. And you are dealing with somebody who will tantrum as an adult.And you are dealing with somebody who will tantrum as an adult.36:55
  400. And you are also dealing with somebody who will likely deny that they did that because they're blind.And you are also dealing with somebody who will likely deny that they did that because they're blind.37:00
  401. In those moments where they get wildly emotional.In those moments where they get wildly emotional.37:11
  402. And you know, Rebecca, why this is so important is that one of the most important things, and we're going to get into Rebecca's four part strategy that she usesAnd you know, Rebecca, why this is so important is that one of the most important things, and we're going to get into Rebecca's four part strategy that she uses37:15
  403. when she needs to negotiate or navigate or diffuse or win against a narcissist, you're going to learn the phrases that diffuse somebody who has a narcissistic tendency or approach.when she needs to negotiate or navigate or diffuse or win against a narcissist, you're going to learn the phrases that diffuse somebody who has a narcissistic tendency or approach.37:25
  404. But what I love about this is you're getting the why this works, you're getting the understanding, you're getting the facts and the science and the research so that youBut what I love about this is you're getting the why this works, you're getting the understanding, you're getting the facts and the science and the research so that you37:37
  405. know this isn't about you.know this isn't about you.37:46
  406. And I think that it's really empowering for me to know that every time this particular person in my life that I love, who is so easily triggered, who's soAnd I think that it's really empowering for me to know that every time this particular person in my life that I love, who is so easily triggered, who's so37:49
  407. easily rages, who's so easily like at the drop of a hat, boom, the mood changes, who's always about them, who's got crazy ass expectations.easily rages, who's so easily like at the drop of a hat, boom, the mood changes, who's always about them, who's got crazy ass expectations.38:02
  408. And the second that the expectations aren't met, they're pouting like a frickin six year old.And the second that the expectations aren't met, they're pouting like a frickin six year old.38:17
  409. When I can look at that and go, Oh, this is childhood trauma.When I can look at that and go, Oh, this is childhood trauma.38:24
  410. This is somebody who is not emotionally mature and probably never will be because the development of their limbic system got arrested due to childhood trauma.This is somebody who is not emotionally mature and probably never will be because the development of their limbic system got arrested due to childhood trauma.38:29
  411. And that's why they don't think rationally.And that's why they don't think rationally.38:40
  412. And that's why they can't control their emotions.And that's why they can't control their emotions.38:42
  413. And that's why this has nothing to do with me.And that's why this has nothing to do with me.38:44
  414. That's exactly correct.That's exactly correct.38:47
  415. That's exactly correct.That's exactly correct.38:49
  416. And even beyond that, what people need to understand is when that is happening.And even beyond that, what people need to understand is when that is happening.38:50
  417. And because that is happening, dealing with that in any situation means that you cannot communicate with them, you cannot negotiate with them in the same way that you canAnd because that is happening, dealing with that in any situation means that you cannot communicate with them, you cannot negotiate with them in the same way that you can38:56
  418. with a rational, reasonable person.with a rational, reasonable person.39:13
  419. You cannot.You cannot.39:17
  420. Well, Rebecca, I love that you said that because we're both parents.Well, Rebecca, I love that you said that because we're both parents.39:18
  421. And so just to make this as so simplistic that anybody of any age, anywhere in the 194 countries where this show is syndicated can understand it, just like youAnd so just to make this as so simplistic that anybody of any age, anywhere in the 194 countries where this show is syndicated can understand it, just like you39:21
  422. cannot negotiate something with a eight year old, the same way that you would negotiate with a fully functioning adult, you need to put someone who's got narcissistic tendencies intocannot negotiate something with a eight year old, the same way that you would negotiate with a fully functioning adult, you need to put someone who's got narcissistic tendencies into39:34
  423. the camp of negotiating with an eight year old because you're not dealing with a fully functioning, rational human being with fully developed emotional centers in the brain and thethe camp of negotiating with an eight year old because you're not dealing with a fully functioning, rational human being with fully developed emotional centers in the brain and the39:50
  424. ability to regulate themselves or even understand what they're doing.ability to regulate themselves or even understand what they're doing.40:03
  425. Is that correct?Is that correct?40:08
  426. Yes.Yes.40:09
  427. And I would even say an eight year old who's having a tantrum.And I would even say an eight year old who's having a tantrum.40:10
  428. Okay.Okay.40:14
  429. I love that.I love that.40:15
  430. How did knowing that help you?How did knowing that help you?40:17
  431. Oh, I so much so, so much so.Oh, I so much so, so much so.40:20
  432. Because you, once you learn this, then you first of all, you can stop taking it personally.Because you, once you learn this, then you first of all, you can stop taking it personally.40:26
  433. Second of all, you can once you learn that you can stand in your own power and they, they're actually way more afraid of you than you are of them.Second of all, you can once you learn that you can stand in your own power and they, they're actually way more afraid of you than you are of them.40:34
  434. I mean, are they, are they afraid?I mean, are they, are they afraid?40:45
  435. Do they feel fear?Do they feel fear?40:47
  436. Like I, you know, you start to feel like this person's such a cold piece of shit that you wonder, do they even feel fear?Like I, you know, you start to feel like this person's such a cold piece of shit that you wonder, do they even feel fear?40:48
  437. Do they not?Do they not?40:54
  438. I mean, they're afraid that you're going to leave them, they're afraid of abandonment, they're afraid you're going to expose them, they're afraid they're very fear based individuals.I mean, they're afraid that you're going to leave them, they're afraid of abandonment, they're afraid you're going to expose them, they're afraid they're very fear based individuals.40:55
  439. I mean, they don't, they're afraid you're going to figure out that it's all a big bruise.I mean, they don't, they're afraid you're going to figure out that it's all a big bruise.41:03
  440. But you know, that none of what they're doing is, you know, that you actually have more value than they do.But you know, that none of what they're doing is, you know, that you actually have more value than they do.41:10
  441. The next step is knowing that once you stand in your authentic power, that they can't touch you because they, they prey upon people who don't have that.The next step is knowing that once you stand in your authentic power, that they can't touch you because they, they prey upon people who don't have that.41:18
  442. They prey upon people who have leaky boundaries.They prey upon people who have leaky boundaries.41:27
  443. They put prey upon people who are, you know, they're going to be able to get stuck that supply from because that's what it is that they need.They put prey upon people who are, you know, they're going to be able to get stuck that supply from because that's what it is that they need.41:30
  444. You use that term leaky boundaries.You use that term leaky boundaries.41:39
  445. What are leaky boundaries?What are leaky boundaries?41:41
  446. Give us an example of what a leaky boundary would look like.Give us an example of what a leaky boundary would look like.41:42
  447. Leaky boundaries is when instead of stopping somebody from doing something, we allow something to happen that we probably shouldn't.Leaky boundaries is when instead of stopping somebody from doing something, we allow something to happen that we probably shouldn't.41:46
  448. So for example, we don't speak up when we should.So for example, we don't speak up when we should.42:00
  449. So, you know, I can say for me, like in my business, I saw some things happening with money, for example, and I didn't say something and I should have.So, you know, I can say for me, like in my business, I saw some things happening with money, for example, and I didn't say something and I should have.42:07
  450. Sometimes maybe you allow things to happen, you know, and it's just like things happen in relationships where you shouldn't and you don't speak up.Sometimes maybe you allow things to happen, you know, and it's just like things happen in relationships where you shouldn't and you don't speak up.42:21
  451. You're just allowing things to happen when you shouldn't.You're just allowing things to happen when you shouldn't.42:36
  452. And it's an emotional response to trauma and it allows you to be open and vulnerable to situations, especially with narcissists, that allows them to come in and take control.And it's an emotional response to trauma and it allows you to be open and vulnerable to situations, especially with narcissists, that allows them to come in and take control.42:41
  453. I feel so empowered, don't you?I feel so empowered, don't you?43:03
  454. Now that you really understand the brain and the development and the emotional aspect of this and that it's not your fault.Now that you really understand the brain and the development and the emotional aspect of this and that it's not your fault.43:05
  455. And now that we got that, okay, we're armed with the knowledge, everybody.And now that we got that, okay, we're armed with the knowledge, everybody.43:14
  456. I want to pivot, Rebecca, and talk about this concept that you have researched extensively called narcissistic supply, because this concept also changed my life.I want to pivot, Rebecca, and talk about this concept that you have researched extensively called narcissistic supply, because this concept also changed my life.43:19
  457. And so based on your research, can you explain to the person listening, what does narcissistic supply mean?And so based on your research, can you explain to the person listening, what does narcissistic supply mean?43:31
  458. And we have to really put a lot of emphasis on this as you're listening.And we have to really put a lot of emphasis on this as you're listening.43:40
  459. And here's why, because you have to understand narcissistic supply in order to truly follow Rebecca's four point strategy and in order to use the tactics to win.And here's why, because you have to understand narcissistic supply in order to truly follow Rebecca's four point strategy and in order to use the tactics to win.43:48
  460. And it has to do with narcissistic supply, okay?And it has to do with narcissistic supply, okay?44:05
  461. This is paramount to you understanding and being able to effectively deal with narcissism, negotiate with a narcissist, stay grounded in your power and not get sucked in to thisThis is paramount to you understanding and being able to effectively deal with narcissism, negotiate with a narcissist, stay grounded in your power and not get sucked in to this44:08
  462. supply and demand loop that Rebecca is just about to explain to you.supply and demand loop that Rebecca is just about to explain to you.44:23
  463. So Rebecca, give us the 101 on narcissistic supply and why it matters.So Rebecca, give us the 101 on narcissistic supply and why it matters.44:27
  464. It's anything that feeds their ego.It's anything that feeds their ego.44:33
  465. Because ego is the only thing that they feel is they're very steeped in ego.Because ego is the only thing that they feel is they're very steeped in ego.44:36
  466. So, you know, for it's the only thing that motivates them.So, you know, for it's the only thing that motivates them.44:43
  467. It's what fills them and gives them a feeling of value.It's what fills them and gives them a feeling of value.44:47
  468. So for me, I say there's kind of two levels of narcissistic supply.So for me, I say there's kind of two levels of narcissistic supply.44:51
  469. It's that diamond level supply and what I call co level supply and there's two tiers.It's that diamond level supply and what I call co level supply and there's two tiers.44:57
  470. To me, it's tiered.To me, it's tiered.45:03
  471. And it's important for people to understand that when they go to create leverage.And it's important for people to understand that when they go to create leverage.45:04
  472. This diamond level supply is all wrapped up in image.This diamond level supply is all wrapped up in image.45:09
  473. So it's, it could be celebrities, it could be money, it could be a new girlfriend, it could be a judge in the courtroom, it could be their employers, itSo it's, it could be celebrities, it could be money, it could be a new girlfriend, it could be a judge in the courtroom, it could be their employers, it45:13
  474. could be the employees, it could be a new could be the outfit they're wearing, the car they're driving, you know, the the label of the outfit, it could becould be the employees, it could be a new could be the outfit they're wearing, the car they're driving, you know, the the label of the outfit, it could be45:28
  475. the you know, what bank they're banking with.the you know, what bank they're banking with.45:38
  476. But it's all wrapped up in image.But it's all wrapped up in image.45:41
  477. It's all wrapped up in the what I call the window dressing of the world.It's all wrapped up in the what I call the window dressing of the world.45:44
  478. But they will protect and defend the diamond level supply at any cost, even at the cost of their children, even at the cost of their children.But they will protect and defend the diamond level supply at any cost, even at the cost of their children, even at the cost of their children.45:50
  479. And I have seen it period end of story.And I have seen it period end of story.46:01
  480. And then there's what I call co level supply, which is also very, very important to them.And then there's what I call co level supply, which is also very, very important to them.46:05
  481. They will, you know, they love it, they need it.They will, you know, they love it, they need it.46:12
  482. But it's just a slightly less tier, which is degrading people, controlling people, manipulating people, treating people poorly, pushing other people down in order to make themselves feel good.But it's just a slightly less tier, which is degrading people, controlling people, manipulating people, treating people poorly, pushing other people down in order to make themselves feel good.46:15
  483. So passive aggressiveness, little comments, you know, oh, you know, that dress is very becoming on you for your figure.So passive aggressiveness, little comments, you know, oh, you know, that dress is very becoming on you for your figure.46:33
  484. You know, things like that.You know, things like that.46:45
  485. One of the things that I've seen a lot, because I feel like I've mostly come in contact with people that need that do the co level supply, that insultOne of the things that I've seen a lot, because I feel like I've mostly come in contact with people that need that do the co level supply, that insult46:48
  486. other people, manipulate other people is this concept of triangulation, where they are gossiping, and they are building bonds by trashing other people.other people, manipulate other people is this concept of triangulation, where they are gossiping, and they are building bonds by trashing other people.46:57
  487. They're the person in the corner of the room at a party who's gossiping about everybody else to create a bond with someone in the corner.They're the person in the corner of the room at a party who's gossiping about everybody else to create a bond with someone in the corner.47:08
  488. And when I first heard about that as a extremely, when I first heard about triangulation, and that type of as you call co level supply, trashing other people toAnd when I first heard about that as a extremely, when I first heard about triangulation, and that type of as you call co level supply, trashing other people to47:16
  489. bond with the people that you're with, I that that was my first introduction to narcissism.bond with the people that you're with, I that that was my first introduction to narcissism.47:31
  490. About five years ago, I'm like, wait, that's what a narcissist does.About five years ago, I'm like, wait, that's what a narcissist does.47:38
  491. Oh, yeah, that's the number one sign that somebody has this as a personality type.Oh, yeah, that's the number one sign that somebody has this as a personality type.47:41
  492. And it was mind blowing, because I didn't realize that that becomes something that somebody does in order to supply their own ego, because when you're trashing other people, ofAnd it was mind blowing, because I didn't realize that that becomes something that somebody does in order to supply their own ego, because when you're trashing other people, of47:48
  493. course, you feel better than other people.course, you feel better than other people.48:00
  494. And, you know, once you see that trashing other people as a sign that you're dealing with narcissism, and you see it in the context of supply, I just wantAnd, you know, once you see that trashing other people as a sign that you're dealing with narcissism, and you see it in the context of supply, I just want48:05
  495. to warn you listening, you're going to see it everywhere.to warn you listening, you're going to see it everywhere.48:16
  496. I mean it, you're going to see it everywhere.I mean it, you're going to see it everywhere.48:20
  497. And so I'm feeling very empowered, I hope you're feeling very empowered.And so I'm feeling very empowered, I hope you're feeling very empowered.48:22
  498. And I want to build on the knowledge from here.And I want to build on the knowledge from here.48:27
  499. We've already learned so much, but we got to build from here.We've already learned so much, but we got to build from here.48:30
  500. Because now that you kind of have the basics down and the dynamic down and this concept of supply down, let's go into the three phases of a narcissistic relationship.Because now that you kind of have the basics down and the dynamic down and this concept of supply down, let's go into the three phases of a narcissistic relationship.48:34
  501. Okay, because what Rebecca has done is Rebecca dug into the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.Okay, because what Rebecca has done is Rebecca dug into the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.48:46
  502. And I have to tell you, before we unpack this, everybody, I used to work on a domestic violence hotline.And I have to tell you, before we unpack this, everybody, I used to work on a domestic violence hotline.48:54
  503. I did this decades ago, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor.I did this decades ago, I was a trained crisis intervention counselor.49:01
  504. And I will tell you that when you learn the three phases, this cycle of a narcissistic relationship and how supply really plays into it, it feels almost identical toAnd I will tell you that when you learn the three phases, this cycle of a narcissistic relationship and how supply really plays into it, it feels almost identical to49:06
  505. battered women's syndrome and the romance and the honeymoon cycle and the abuse cycle.battered women's syndrome and the romance and the honeymoon cycle and the abuse cycle.49:19
  506. And what's interesting is because so many of you have experienced emotional abuse from somebody who's narcissistic.And what's interesting is because so many of you have experienced emotional abuse from somebody who's narcissistic.49:26
  507. I think it can be really confusing to identify it because it's kind of sinister.I think it can be really confusing to identify it because it's kind of sinister.49:37
  508. I mean, when somebody hits you, you know it's wrong.I mean, when somebody hits you, you know it's wrong.49:43
  509. But when somebody is, I didn't say that, I never mean that, raging at you, putting you on edge, making you feel like you're the one going crazy, it's allBut when somebody is, I didn't say that, I never mean that, raging at you, putting you on edge, making you feel like you're the one going crazy, it's all49:46
  510. emotional.emotional.49:56
  511. And so you start to question yourself.And so you start to question yourself.49:57
  512. And so Rebecca's going to teach you that there are three phases of a narcissistic relationship and they are very distinct.And so Rebecca's going to teach you that there are three phases of a narcissistic relationship and they are very distinct.49:59
  513. And the first phase is when you get pulled in.And the first phase is when you get pulled in.50:08
  514. And that phase is something you've probably seen other people have happened to them.And that phase is something you've probably seen other people have happened to them.50:11
  515. I've certainly seen it happen to one of our kids, you get swept right off your feet.I've certainly seen it happen to one of our kids, you get swept right off your feet.50:15
  516. And you know that this is something called love bombing.And you know that this is something called love bombing.50:20
  517. And that's what we're going to talk about when we come back, we're going to dig into all three phases, what they look like, what they feel like, how toAnd that's what we're going to talk about when we come back, we're going to dig into all three phases, what they look like, what they feel like, how to50:24
  518. spot which phase you might be in or a friend might be in.spot which phase you might be in or a friend might be in.50:31
  519. And then we are going to get to that four step approach to how you deal with a narcissist, how you negotiate and how you ultimately win and get whatAnd then we are going to get to that four step approach to how you deal with a narcissist, how you negotiate and how you ultimately win and get what50:34
  520. you need from the narcissist in your life.you need from the narcissist in your life.50:42
  521. So don't you dare go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after the break.So don't you dare go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after the break.50:45
  522. Welcome back at your friend Mel Robbins.Welcome back at your friend Mel Robbins.50:50
  523. We are digging into narcissism and boy are we learning a lot from Rebecca Zung.We are digging into narcissism and boy are we learning a lot from Rebecca Zung.50:52
  524. As you know, Rebecca Zung is one of the top ranked lawyers in the United States.As you know, Rebecca Zung is one of the top ranked lawyers in the United States.50:57
  525. She has been researching narcissism for decades.She has been researching narcissism for decades.51:00
  526. She's written three books on the subject and I love her angle because she's not a psychologist.She's written three books on the subject and I love her angle because she's not a psychologist.51:03
  527. She's not a relationship expert.She's not a relationship expert.51:09
  528. She's a lawyer who is here to make her case.She's a lawyer who is here to make her case.51:10
  529. She is a lawyer who shows up in a court with a strategic mind and a game plan to win.She is a lawyer who shows up in a court with a strategic mind and a game plan to win.51:14
  530. And so let's dig in to the three phases, the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.And so let's dig in to the three phases, the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.51:20
  531. And Rebecca, you write extensively about phase one, which is love bombing.And Rebecca, you write extensively about phase one, which is love bombing.51:30
  532. Can you describe what love bombing is?Can you describe what love bombing is?51:35
  533. Yeah, so it's the same whether it's a professional or a personal relationship and obviously if you're in a family, that's totally different.Yeah, so it's the same whether it's a professional or a personal relationship and obviously if you're in a family, that's totally different.51:38
  534. But this is initial if you're just meeting a person.But this is initial if you're just meeting a person.51:48
  535. So this is, they use mirror neurons by the way.So this is, they use mirror neurons by the way.51:51
  536. I mean, this is one thing I do say it's the really, really good at because it's a survival mechanism for them.I mean, this is one thing I do say it's the really, really good at because it's a survival mechanism for them.51:55
  537. So it's something that they've learned from childhood to do.So it's something that they've learned from childhood to do.52:03
  538. And that is they kind of become exactly what you want.And that is they kind of become exactly what you want.52:08
  539. They use, they're very good at reading people.They use, they're very good at reading people.52:13
  540. So they they become almost like chameleons to read exactly what you want.So they they become almost like chameleons to read exactly what you want.52:16
  541. And they come on really, really strongly at the beginning to, I mean, it's almost like you can't breathe.And they come on really, really strongly at the beginning to, I mean, it's almost like you can't breathe.52:23
  542. They overpower you.They overpower you.52:38
  543. And, you know, all of a sudden it's, you know, you're the most amazing thing that make you feel like you're the most incredible person that they've ever met.And, you know, all of a sudden it's, you know, you're the most amazing thing that make you feel like you're the most incredible person that they've ever met.52:42
  544. And they are the most incredible person that you've ever met.And they are the most incredible person that you've ever met.52:54
  545. And it's like your soulmates.And it's like your soulmates.52:57
  546. And where have you been all my life?And where have you been all my life?52:59
  547. And it's 50 emails a day and 1000 text messages a day.And it's 50 emails a day and 1000 text messages a day.53:01
  548. And they're showing up at your house or office.And they're showing up at your house or office.53:05
  549. And we should get married and we should meet your family or if it's a business relationship, then we should be business partners.And we should get married and we should meet your family or if it's a business relationship, then we should be business partners.53:07
  550. And I've got all the best contacts and it's the excitement and it's the chemistry.And I've got all the best contacts and it's the excitement and it's the chemistry.53:14
  551. And you almost can't breathe or see anything else because it's all them all the time because they're trying to get you to that next level right away.And you almost can't breathe or see anything else because it's all them all the time because they're trying to get you to that next level right away.53:20
  552. They want to lock you in as fast as possible.They want to lock you in as fast as possible.53:33
  553. Let's get married in Vegas.Let's get married in Vegas.53:37
  554. Let's move in together.Let's move in together.53:38
  555. Get me on your bank accounts.Get me on your bank accounts.53:40
  556. And, you know, many times they'll show up as your savior, you know, if it might be right after somebody died and they're swooping in and they're taking care ofAnd, you know, many times they'll show up as your savior, you know, if it might be right after somebody died and they're swooping in and they're taking care of53:42
  557. everything.everything.53:53
  558. Or it might be if you are a victim of something, then they'll show up and they'll take care of everything that way.Or it might be if you are a victim of something, then they'll show up and they'll take care of everything that way.53:54
  559. Or you know, they look for opportunities to kind of swoop in if they look for vulnerabilities that way as well.Or you know, they look for opportunities to kind of swoop in if they look for vulnerabilities that way as well.54:04
  560. But you know, it's sweep you off your feet.But you know, it's sweep you off your feet.54:15
  561. Grand gestures, massive huge grand gestures like that a lot of times.Grand gestures, massive huge grand gestures like that a lot of times.54:20
  562. So like that's the kind of thing you see at the beginning.So like that's the kind of thing you see at the beginning.54:27
  563. Big big lock you in.Big big lock you in.54:32
  564. One of the things I just want to point out is that even though you're using terms like they look for this, they do this, would you agree though thatOne of the things I just want to point out is that even though you're using terms like they look for this, they do this, would you agree though that54:34
  565. this is given that it's arrested development, not something that a narcissist is consciously doing, that they're not sitting around going, who's my next victim?this is given that it's arrested development, not something that a narcissist is consciously doing, that they're not sitting around going, who's my next victim?54:45
  566. Who am I going to love bomb?Who am I going to love bomb?54:57
  567. This is their way of being.This is their way of being.54:58
  568. And they do it innately.And they do it innately.55:00
  569. And so like, I think part of the reason why it's important to highlight that to everybody is to make sure that you understand that that's why there is suchAnd so like, I think part of the reason why it's important to highlight that to everybody is to make sure that you understand that that's why there is such55:02
  570. a sense of denial.a sense of denial.55:15
  571. I never did this.I never did this.55:16
  572. I didn't do that.I didn't do that.55:17
  573. I didn't say that because they're not even aware that this is what they're doing.I didn't say that because they're not even aware that this is what they're doing.55:18
  574. They just think that you're in love.They just think that you're in love.55:23
  575. They just think that we should get married.They just think that we should get married.55:25
  576. They just think that we are soulmates.They just think that we are soulmates.55:26
  577. I watched this happen with somebody that I love just in the past year.I watched this happen with somebody that I love just in the past year.55:29
  578. And it was so alarming because as this person came on like the absolute love of this person's life and took over their universe, I'm thinking this is love bombing.And it was so alarming because as this person came on like the absolute love of this person's life and took over their universe, I'm thinking this is love bombing.55:33
  579. Oh this felt like the world's best, most magical love story and nobody could argue otherwise.Oh this felt like the world's best, most magical love story and nobody could argue otherwise.55:55
  580. I absolutely do think that.I absolutely do think that.56:04
  581. And I mean, I think they believe everything that they say.And I mean, I think they believe everything that they say.56:06
  582. I do.I do.56:10
  583. And I always tell people, send them light, but over there, you will have to protect yourself though too.And I always tell people, send them light, but over there, you will have to protect yourself though too.56:11
  584. You know, so yes, I agree.You know, so yes, I agree.56:19
  585. I agree.I agree.56:23
  586. What I'm trying to say is I think maybe too fine of a point that when I see people talk about narcissism, particularly on social media, there is an assumptionWhat I'm trying to say is I think maybe too fine of a point that when I see people talk about narcissism, particularly on social media, there is an assumption56:24
  587. that there is a very specific and conscious and intentional strategy that somebody is deploying.that there is a very specific and conscious and intentional strategy that somebody is deploying.56:35
  588. And what I'm trying to say is I don't believe that's true because I think this is just how they operate.And what I'm trying to say is I don't believe that's true because I think this is just how they operate.56:42
  589. And they're not even aware that this is how they operate.And they're not even aware that this is how they operate.56:47
  590. It's unconscious, which makes it almost more dangerous that they are stuck in this loop themselves as an eight year old emotionally.It's unconscious, which makes it almost more dangerous that they are stuck in this loop themselves as an eight year old emotionally.56:50
  591. And they're not doing anything to you, so to speak.And they're not doing anything to you, so to speak.57:00
  592. This is how they move through every single relationship.This is how they move through every single relationship.57:06
  593. And they are not going to be attracted to somebody who is strong and in their power, because you're not buying into the love bombing, and you're not part ofAnd they are not going to be attracted to somebody who is strong and in their power, because you're not buying into the love bombing, and you're not part of57:09
  594. this loop.this loop.57:17
  595. And so I guess, I say that only because I see a lot of misinformation and finger pointing in the language online.And so I guess, I say that only because I see a lot of misinformation and finger pointing in the language online.57:18
  596. That's not what you're saying, but I think it's important for somebody listening to understand.That's not what you're saying, but I think it's important for somebody listening to understand.57:29
  597. If you listen closely to what Rebecca Zung is saying, she's saying, based on her research, this is something that happens neurologically during childhood.If you listen closely to what Rebecca Zung is saying, she's saying, based on her research, this is something that happens neurologically during childhood.57:34
  598. That's why there's so much denial on the part of the narcissist.That's why there's so much denial on the part of the narcissist.57:45
  599. They're not aware.They're not aware.57:49
  600. So after the love bombing, though, and you now are in business with somebody, and you now have given somebody equity, or you have put them into your bank accounts,So after the love bombing, though, and you now are in business with somebody, and you now have given somebody equity, or you have put them into your bank accounts,57:51
  601. or you think you're running off and getting married, there's all of a sudden a second stage.or you think you're running off and getting married, there's all of a sudden a second stage.57:59
  602. What is that stage, Rebecca?What is that stage, Rebecca?58:04
  603. The devalue is that's when you start to see kind of the wheels come off.The devalue is that's when you start to see kind of the wheels come off.58:05
  604. That's when they start to like exhale.That's when they start to like exhale.58:10
  605. And that's where you start to see like the red flags.And that's where you start to see like the red flags.58:13
  606. And you know, you don't, there's no more of the 50 emails a day.And you know, you don't, there's no more of the 50 emails a day.58:17
  607. That's where you start to see the lying as soon as you get to this part.That's where you start to see the lying as soon as you get to this part.58:20
  608. They've locked you in, they've gotten here, which is what they've been looking for.They've locked you in, they've gotten here, which is what they've been looking for.58:26
  609. This is where they kind of relax, because they've kind of been holding their breath, trying to get you, get you, get you.This is where they kind of relax, because they've kind of been holding their breath, trying to get you, get you, get you.58:32
  610. And now they've gotten you.And now they've gotten you.58:39
  611. And so now they sort of exhale, and you get to start to see that mass come down a little bit.And so now they sort of exhale, and you get to start to see that mass come down a little bit.58:42
  612. And you know, now you start to see all the red flags.And you know, now you start to see all the red flags.58:48
  613. Their stories aren't holding up.Their stories aren't holding up.58:53
  614. Now you start to see lies.Now you start to see lies.58:55
  615. Now you start to see manipulation.Now you start to see manipulation.58:57
  616. Now oh, that money that they borrowed from you, well, they're not probably ever going to pay it back.Now oh, that money that they borrowed from you, well, they're not probably ever going to pay it back.58:59
  617. And but they're starting to lie about, oh, and that degree that they said they had, well, it's not really a degree.And but they're starting to lie about, oh, and that degree that they said they had, well, it's not really a degree.59:06
  618. It's really something else.It's really something else.59:14
  619. And, and you know, that brother -in -law that they said was actually a thing.And, and you know, that brother -in -law that they said was actually a thing.59:15
  620. Well, that's not really a thing.Well, that's not really a thing.59:22
  621. Oh, that project that they said they were going to do for you.Oh, that project that they said they were going to do for you.59:23
  622. Well, that's probably not going to get done.Well, that's probably not going to get done.59:26
  623. And, you know, all these things are starting to happen.And, you know, all these things are starting to happen.59:28
  624. And the 50 calls a day, well, now they don't call you at all.And the 50 calls a day, well, now they don't call you at all.59:32
  625. And now, how come you're so needy?And now, how come you're so needy?59:37
  626. And, you know, it just becomes this whole relationship that you didn't think it was at all.And, you know, it just becomes this whole relationship that you didn't think it was at all.59:39
  627. And you're, you're trying to chase and get that back again.And you're, you're trying to chase and get that back again.59:47
  628. And, but then when you start to walk away, well, then they make promises, promises for the future.And, but then when you start to walk away, well, then they make promises, promises for the future.59:55
  629. And it becomes this whole toxic stew, push, pull, push, pull, push, pull, which is also plays upon your brain, because now you're getting these dopamine hits, you know, soAnd it becomes this whole toxic stew, push, pull, push, pull, push, pull, which is also plays upon your brain, because now you're getting these dopamine hits, you know, so60:05
  630. you become physiologically addicted to this person.you become physiologically addicted to this person.60:22
  631. And that causes a trauma bond in you.And that causes a trauma bond in you.60:27
  632. I would love to have you unpack this.I would love to have you unpack this.60:31
  633. Can you, because as you're describing this, Rebecca, my heart is sinking, because I have watched someone that I love deeply go from a very strong, centered, powerful person toCan you, because as you're describing this, Rebecca, my heart is sinking, because I have watched someone that I love deeply go from a very strong, centered, powerful person to60:33
  634. questioning themselves relentlessly, and putting up with bullshit lies, and kind of that, oh, I never said that, and you're and kind of that pushback and questioning themselves.questioning themselves relentlessly, and putting up with bullshit lies, and kind of that, oh, I never said that, and you're and kind of that pushback and questioning themselves.60:48
  635. And I have not known what to do.And I have not known what to do.61:04
  636. And so can you explain what you mean when you use that term addicted?And so can you explain what you mean when you use that term addicted?61:06
  637. Yes.Yes.61:13
  638. So there's a study by a professor from Stanford called his name is Robert Sapolsky, and he did a study on monkeys.So there's a study by a professor from Stanford called his name is Robert Sapolsky, and he did a study on monkeys.61:14
  639. And the monkeys would get a reward every single time they did something good.And the monkeys would get a reward every single time they did something good.61:26
  640. And nothing happened in their brain.And nothing happened in their brain.61:34
  641. Then he would give these monkeys a reward intermittently.Then he would give these monkeys a reward intermittently.61:37
  642. And they didn't know when they were going to get this reward.And they didn't know when they were going to get this reward.61:43
  643. And when they didn't know, then the dopamine levels in their brain actually rose to the level of cocaine.And when they didn't know, then the dopamine levels in their brain actually rose to the level of cocaine.61:48
  644. I am so glad you are bringing this study up, Rebecca, in the context of narcissism, because I'm very familiar with the study.I am so glad you are bringing this study up, Rebecca, in the context of narcissism, because I'm very familiar with the study.62:02
  645. And just to kind of broaden this out for you listening, this is a really well known study that's normally talked about in the context of addiction.And just to kind of broaden this out for you listening, this is a really well known study that's normally talked about in the context of addiction.62:09
  646. It was done with monkeys.It was done with monkeys.62:17
  647. And here's what it proved.And here's what it proved.62:18
  648. It proved that not getting the reward all the time is what got the monkeys addicted.It proved that not getting the reward all the time is what got the monkeys addicted.62:20
  649. I can give you another example that'll make sense.I can give you another example that'll make sense.62:27
  650. Envision a slot machine.Envision a slot machine.62:30
  651. When you go and you pull the lever or you push the button on the slot machine and you watch those things like twirl, right?When you go and you pull the lever or you push the button on the slot machine and you watch those things like twirl, right?62:32
  652. As you are craving a win, and you don't get it, oh, what do you do?As you are craving a win, and you don't get it, oh, what do you do?62:40
  653. Boom, you hit it again.Boom, you hit it again.62:45
  654. All of a sudden you get a win.All of a sudden you get a win.62:47
  655. Oh my God, amazing.Oh my God, amazing.62:48
  656. So now what do you do?So now what do you do?62:49
  657. You hit it again, and then you hit it again, and then you hit it again, and you hit it again, and now you get a win again.You hit it again, and then you hit it again, and then you hit it again, and you hit it again, and now you get a win again.62:50
  658. But it's not consistent, is it?But it's not consistent, is it?62:54
  659. See, it's the inconsistency.See, it's the inconsistency.62:56
  660. It's the fact that it might be really good.It's the fact that it might be really good.62:58
  661. That's what causes the addiction to it.That's what causes the addiction to it.63:01
  662. And so this is really important to understand when in the context of narcissism, because the praise and the love bombing and the attention from the narcissist, it's totally unpredictable.And so this is really important to understand when in the context of narcissism, because the praise and the love bombing and the attention from the narcissist, it's totally unpredictable.63:04
  663. Like one minute you're the center of the world and they love you and you're this and you're that and the other thing.Like one minute you're the center of the world and they love you and you're this and you're that and the other thing.63:18
  664. And then boom, the wind changes, and you're in the phase of discard.And then boom, the wind changes, and you're in the phase of discard.63:23
  665. You're like literally, they don't even talk to you.You're like literally, they don't even talk to you.63:28
  666. And that's what makes you feel like a monkey addicted to cocaine who doesn't know when it's going to come next.And that's what makes you feel like a monkey addicted to cocaine who doesn't know when it's going to come next.63:31
  667. And this is also why you can have a super smart, rational, accomplished girlfriend and watch her become a complete cocaine addicted monkey when she gets in a relationship withAnd this is also why you can have a super smart, rational, accomplished girlfriend and watch her become a complete cocaine addicted monkey when she gets in a relationship with63:37
  668. a narcissist.a narcissist.63:52
  669. You see the love bombing, then you see the inconsistent behavior, then you try to appeal to her rationally, but then she's back into the love bombing.You see the love bombing, then you see the inconsistent behavior, then you try to appeal to her rationally, but then she's back into the love bombing.63:53
  670. And it's just like gambling or any other addiction, because it's so inconsistent, you literally get addicted to the person because you're waiting for that next round of the loveAnd it's just like gambling or any other addiction, because it's so inconsistent, you literally get addicted to the person because you're waiting for that next round of the love64:01
  671. bombing to come.bombing to come.64:15
  672. This makes so much sense.This makes so much sense.64:16
  673. Right.Right.64:19
  674. The conclusion was that when you are dealing with a narcissistic type of a person, that the anticipation of this love bomb, you actually become physiologically addicted to this person.The conclusion was that when you are dealing with a narcissistic type of a person, that the anticipation of this love bomb, you actually become physiologically addicted to this person.64:20
  675. And that is partially what contributes to this trauma bond is that you're actually, your brain becomes physiologically addicted to that, that hit of wanting that back.And that is partially what contributes to this trauma bond is that you're actually, your brain becomes physiologically addicted to that, that hit of wanting that back.64:39
  676. I have seen this dynamic play out with somebody I love deeply in a relationship, these first two phases of the relationship, the first one being the love bombing everybody,I have seen this dynamic play out with somebody I love deeply in a relationship, these first two phases of the relationship, the first one being the love bombing everybody,64:56
  677. and the second one now is this sort of devaluing that makes the person spin.and the second one now is this sort of devaluing that makes the person spin.65:08
  678. But then there's this third phase of a narcissistic relationship, this cycle that you can get in, and you label this the discard phase.But then there's this third phase of a narcissistic relationship, this cycle that you can get in, and you label this the discard phase.65:12
  679. Yes.Yes.65:22
  680. So the discard phase can be either you're discarding them or they're discarding you.So the discard phase can be either you're discarding them or they're discarding you.65:22
  681. I mean, this is where it's the end of the relationship.I mean, this is where it's the end of the relationship.65:29
  682. And you will see the birth of the smear campaign for sure.And you will see the birth of the smear campaign for sure.65:32
  683. But this is where you will definitely become public enemy number one, because you're either for them or against them.But this is where you will definitely become public enemy number one, because you're either for them or against them.65:36
  684. And so even with the covert narcissist, the mask will definitely come off and they will come after you because they want to make sure they take you down beforeAnd so even with the covert narcissist, the mask will definitely come off and they will come after you because they want to make sure they take you down before65:44
  685. you can take them down.you can take them down.65:56
  686. So Rebecca, if you are in that discard phase, where they've withdrawn, the lies are coming out, the truth is starting to get revealed.So Rebecca, if you are in that discard phase, where they've withdrawn, the lies are coming out, the truth is starting to get revealed.65:58
  687. You say there's only three options when you realize you're in this phase, what are they?You say there's only three options when you realize you're in this phase, what are they?66:11
  688. You can stay, you can give exactly what they want, or you can fight back and do it in a way that strategically, which you have to do.You can stay, you can give exactly what they want, or you can fight back and do it in a way that strategically, which you have to do.66:16
  689. You have to do.You have to do.66:30
  690. I was the people pleaser though.I was the people pleaser though.66:31
  691. I wanted to be liked.I wanted to be liked.66:33
  692. I didn't want other people who were in our circle to think that I was the bad one.I didn't want other people who were in our circle to think that I was the bad one.66:34
  693. She was all likable.She was all likable.66:41
  694. And I didn't want people to be mad at me.And I didn't want people to be mad at me.66:42
  695. And you know, I had all this stuff that I needed to like get past so that I could speak up and stand on my own two feet.And you know, I had all this stuff that I needed to like get past so that I could speak up and stand on my own two feet.66:45
  696. And thank God I did.And thank God I did.66:56
  697. Thank God you did because now you're here to teach us how to do the same thing and how to try to support the people that we see stuck inThank God you did because now you're here to teach us how to do the same thing and how to try to support the people that we see stuck in66:59
  698. this to do the same thing for somebody listening.this to do the same thing for somebody listening.67:07
  699. Who has been caught in this cycle and they don't even know what their value is because they're so spun around.Who has been caught in this cycle and they don't even know what their value is because they're so spun around.67:11
  700. Where do you begin?Where do you begin?67:17
  701. How do you define it if you don't even know what it is because you're that like those baby steps, little baby steps.How do you define it if you don't even know what it is because you're that like those baby steps, little baby steps.67:18
  702. Once you start little baby stepping it and you start to see little steps, that's why, you know, little wins every single day start to stack up.Once you start little baby stepping it and you start to see little steps, that's why, you know, little wins every single day start to stack up.67:25
  703. And when you start to see, you know what, I did it.And when you start to see, you know what, I did it.67:36
  704. I started to create a boundary today and it worked.I started to create a boundary today and it worked.67:39
  705. I started to do this a little bit today and it worked.I started to do this a little bit today and it worked.67:44
  706. You know, that's where you start to stack up those wins and you start to turn it around and you'll see it start, it'll work.You know, that's where you start to stack up those wins and you start to turn it around and you'll see it start, it'll work.67:47
  707. It starts working.It starts working.67:56
  708. The two biggest things that changed for me in terms of me getting on the offensive was identifying the narcissism as a tantrum and visualizing the narcissist as an eightThe two biggest things that changed for me in terms of me getting on the offensive was identifying the narcissism as a tantrum and visualizing the narcissist as an eight67:57
  709. -year -old in a tantrum, which helped me separate myself.-year -old in a tantrum, which helped me separate myself.68:10
  710. And the second thing was really taking a pause after visualizing the tantrum and asking myself, well, what do I want right now?And the second thing was really taking a pause after visualizing the tantrum and asking myself, well, what do I want right now?68:14
  711. And if I don't want to deal with this, it's a yes or no or silence.And if I don't want to deal with this, it's a yes or no or silence.68:29
  712. And if I do want to deal with it, it's a, it's exactly what you're talking about in terms of thinking about, okay, well, there's going to be a supplyAnd if I do want to deal with it, it's a, it's exactly what you're talking about in terms of thinking about, okay, well, there's going to be a supply68:33
  713. here.here.68:41
  714. What am I willing to give to get what I want?What am I willing to give to get what I want?68:41
  715. And doing that consciously and emotionally distant makes you feel so empowered because you're no longer in it.And doing that consciously and emotionally distant makes you feel so empowered because you're no longer in it.68:45
  716. You're now the one manipulating it.You're now the one manipulating it.68:55
  717. And they don't even know.And they don't even know.68:57
  718. 100 % you are the one in control.100 % you are the one in control.68:59
  719. And just remember, what's negotiable is contracts and issues and terms, not your self -worth, your self -esteem, or who you are.And just remember, what's negotiable is contracts and issues and terms, not your self -worth, your self -esteem, or who you are.69:02
  720. Because there's so much denial when you're in it and so much, I think, explaining away bad behavior that I'm not sure people understand the strategies and the patterns thatBecause there's so much denial when you're in it and so much, I think, explaining away bad behavior that I'm not sure people understand the strategies and the patterns that69:14
  721. you can spot when you know them.you can spot when you know them.69:30
  722. So what are some of the most common patterns that narcissists use to keep your attention and that supply coming back to them?So what are some of the most common patterns that narcissists use to keep your attention and that supply coming back to them?69:31
  723. Well, gaslighting is probably one of the biggest ones.Well, gaslighting is probably one of the biggest ones.69:40
  724. I mean, I think all narcissists use gaslighting to destabilize you and make you think that you're crazy.I mean, I think all narcissists use gaslighting to destabilize you and make you think that you're crazy.69:43
  725. So it would look like, and there's so many different forms of gaslighting, but the bottom line of gaslighting is trying to make you think that you're crazy.So it would look like, and there's so many different forms of gaslighting, but the bottom line of gaslighting is trying to make you think that you're crazy.69:52
  726. So it comes from the movie or the play, Gaslight, where the husband was blowing out gas lights to try to make the wife think that she was crazy.So it comes from the movie or the play, Gaslight, where the husband was blowing out gas lights to try to make the wife think that she was crazy.70:01
  727. So she would say, wasn't that just lit?So she would say, wasn't that just lit?70:13
  728. And he would say, no, no, it wasn't.And he would say, no, no, it wasn't.70:15
  729. So that's what they do.So that's what they do.70:17
  730. So they'll say, oh, I'm going away with my friends for our anniversary weekend.So they'll say, oh, I'm going away with my friends for our anniversary weekend.70:19
  731. And she would say, the wife would say, oh, you're going away on our anniversary weekend.And she would say, the wife would say, oh, you're going away on our anniversary weekend.70:27
  732. We never discussed that.We never discussed that.70:31
  733. Oh, yeah, we had a whole conversation about that.Oh, yeah, we had a whole conversation about that.70:32
  734. And you agree.And you agree.70:34
  735. Don't you remember?Don't you remember?70:35
  736. No, we never had that conversation.No, we never had that conversation.70:36
  737. Oh, yeah, we did.Oh, yeah, we did.70:38
  738. And, you know, you know, you never had that conversation.And, you know, you know, you never had that conversation.70:40
  739. That's gaslighting.That's gaslighting.70:44
  740. You're giving my heart palpitations because I really felt like I was in the presence of this particular person that does this to me all the time.You're giving my heart palpitations because I really felt like I was in the presence of this particular person that does this to me all the time.70:45
  741. So what do you think the biggest myth is about narcissism or negotiating with narcissists?So what do you think the biggest myth is about narcissism or negotiating with narcissists?70:56
  742. 100 % it is that narcissists just want to win because, yeah, because they do want to win, but they also want to continue to manipulate you and see you100 % it is that narcissists just want to win because, yeah, because they do want to win, but they also want to continue to manipulate you and see you71:05
  743. squirm.squirm.71:21
  744. And so the problem, the reason why people have trouble negotiating with narcissists and they can't ever get out of these things is because narcissists continue to move goal postsAnd so the problem, the reason why people have trouble negotiating with narcissists and they can't ever get out of these things is because narcissists continue to move goal posts71:23
  745. all the time because they enjoy the co -level supply too.all the time because they enjoy the co -level supply too.71:39
  746. And so they missed the mark.And so they missed the mark.71:45
  747. They forgot about the co -level supply.They forgot about the co -level supply.71:49
  748. And so unless you figure out a way to threaten the source of supply that's more important for them to keep than the supply that they get from jerking youAnd so unless you figure out a way to threaten the source of supply that's more important for them to keep than the supply that they get from jerking you71:52
  749. around, which is the co -level supply, then you're never going to be done ever.around, which is the co -level supply, then you're never going to be done ever.72:05
  750. And I bet you saw over and over again, being an attorney for 20 years, representing people, particularly in high net worth divorces, that divorces go on for years andAnd I bet you saw over and over again, being an attorney for 20 years, representing people, particularly in high net worth divorces, that divorces go on for years and72:11
  751. years and years of narcissists because they, by keeping the divorce and the arguing and all that crap alive, they're getting that supply that you're talking about.years and years of narcissists because they, by keeping the divorce and the arguing and all that crap alive, they're getting that supply that you're talking about.72:23
  752. And I didn't know what was going on as a lawyer.And I didn't know what was going on as a lawyer.72:34
  753. I had no idea.I had no idea.72:36
  754. I had a guy, the divorce lasted five years.I had a guy, the divorce lasted five years.72:37
  755. He told me I'd rather pay you than her.He told me I'd rather pay you than her.72:41
  756. Yes.Yes.72:45
  757. I think a lot of people say that.I think a lot of people say that.72:45
  758. And I remember saying to him, you don't need to put my kid through college because I was like, stick at him myself.And I remember saying to him, you don't need to put my kid through college because I was like, stick at him myself.72:47
  759. I mean, like, how do I get rid of you?I mean, like, how do I get rid of you?72:54
  760. But I didn't realize that that's what he was doing.But I didn't realize that that's what he was doing.73:00
  761. And what you're basically saying is that conflict and the ability to bitch to your lawyer about the quote, crazy person on the other side, it actually creates that coAnd what you're basically saying is that conflict and the ability to bitch to your lawyer about the quote, crazy person on the other side, it actually creates that co73:07
  762. -level supply in you, the narcissist, because you feel better than the crazy person.-level supply in you, the narcissist, because you feel better than the crazy person.73:20
  763. Is that, am I getting this?Is that, am I getting this?73:25
  764. Yeah.Yeah.73:26
  765. Well, I'll tell you a crazy story.Well, I'll tell you a crazy story.73:27
  766. I'm going to tell you about a $2 million apology.I'm going to tell you about a $2 million apology.73:30
  767. Okay.Okay.73:33
  768. I'd like one of those.I'd like one of those.73:34
  769. So I had a case where it was, we were mediating and we thought we were just about done.So I had a case where it was, we were mediating and we thought we were just about done.73:39
  770. The guy was going to pay the wife.The guy was going to pay the wife.73:50
  771. I mean, she was getting a lot of assets too.I mean, she was getting a lot of assets too.73:53
  772. But over the course of the next several years, he was going to be paying her $2 million in alimony monthly, but it was going to add up to aboutBut over the course of the next several years, he was going to be paying her $2 million in alimony monthly, but it was going to add up to about73:56
  773. $2 million.$2 million.74:06
  774. And he was big flaming narcissist.And he was big flaming narcissist.74:08
  775. And anyway, mediator comes in, it's like nine o 'clock at night.And anyway, mediator comes in, it's like nine o 'clock at night.74:13
  776. We're be mediating for like 12 hours.We're be mediating for like 12 hours.74:19
  777. And he says to me, Hey, Rebecca, can I talk to you for a second?And he says to me, Hey, Rebecca, can I talk to you for a second?74:22
  778. We go out into the reception area.We go out into the reception area.74:26
  779. And he's like, I've never seen this before, but the wife, crazy enough, she's willing to wave alimony completely.And he's like, I've never seen this before, but the wife, crazy enough, she's willing to wave alimony completely.74:28
  780. If he'll go in there, just the two of them, and apologize to her for all of the things and the way he treated her during the marriage, sincerely.If he'll go in there, just the two of them, and apologize to her for all of the things and the way he treated her during the marriage, sincerely.74:44
  781. I'm like, man, what's the catch?I'm like, man, what's the catch?75:05
  782. And he said, no catch.And he said, no catch.75:09
  783. She just wants an apology.She just wants an apology.75:12
  784. I'm like, all right, she's willing to wave it, we'll put it in the agreement.I'm like, all right, she's willing to wave it, we'll put it in the agreement.75:16
  785. Her lawyer standing there and she's like, yeah, I told her no, but this is what she wants.Her lawyer standing there and she's like, yeah, I told her no, but this is what she wants.75:21
  786. Like this really means a lot to her.Like this really means a lot to her.75:26
  787. I mean, I'm like, all right.I mean, I'm like, all right.75:29
  788. So I go into the room and I said, I told him what was going on.So I go into the room and I said, I told him what was going on.75:31
  789. And he says, no, I'm not going to do it.And he says, no, I'm not going to do it.75:37
  790. I said, what?I said, what?75:44
  791. Because you know why?Because you know why?75:49
  792. Because he wanted the chance to be able to continue to screw with her every single month, not pay her, keep her on a string, do the whole thing, right?Because he wanted the chance to be able to continue to screw with her every single month, not pay her, keep her on a string, do the whole thing, right?75:50
  793. She wanted to be done with this dude.She wanted to be done with this dude.76:02
  794. Right.Right.76:05
  795. And I'm like, I'm going to kick your butt.And I'm like, I'm going to kick your butt.76:07
  796. You're going over there right now.You're going over there right now.76:11
  797. And I'm thinking to myself, I need a CYA letter, like he's going to come back over here and tell me, why didn't you make me do this?And I'm thinking to myself, I need a CYA letter, like he's going to come back over here and tell me, why didn't you make me do this?76:13
  798. So I said, you're going over there, you're doing this.So I said, you're going over there, you're doing this.76:21
  799. So he went over there finally and did it like this with like a puppy dog with his tail between his legs.So he went over there finally and did it like this with like a puppy dog with his tail between his legs.76:23
  800. And he did it.And he did it.76:30
  801. And we got the alimony wave did actually happened.And we got the alimony wave did actually happened.76:32
  802. But he did not want to.But he did not want to.76:36
  803. You wrote in your book, staying in a relationship with a narcissist, just as really and truly not an option.You wrote in your book, staying in a relationship with a narcissist, just as really and truly not an option.76:38
  804. And you listening to us as you're reflecting on everything that Rebecca Zung is sharing with you based on her personal experience, her professional experience and all of this extensiveAnd you listening to us as you're reflecting on everything that Rebecca Zung is sharing with you based on her personal experience, her professional experience and all of this extensive76:44
  805. research, the 40 million views on our YouTube channel, like she knows this inside and out.research, the 40 million views on our YouTube channel, like she knows this inside and out.76:56
  806. You have this phrase today is a great day to start negotiating my best life.You have this phrase today is a great day to start negotiating my best life.77:02
  807. And if you see yourself reflected in the comments or the stories that Rebecca is talking about, there are things that you say, Rebecca, that you need to stop doingAnd if you see yourself reflected in the comments or the stories that Rebecca is talking about, there are things that you say, Rebecca, that you need to stop doing77:07
  808. immediately.immediately.77:21
  809. If you want to get out of a narcissistic relationship, what are the things you need to stop doing in order to cut off that supply and get out ofIf you want to get out of a narcissistic relationship, what are the things you need to stop doing in order to cut off that supply and get out of77:23
  810. there and negotiate for yourself?there and negotiate for yourself?77:34
  811. Yeah.Yeah.77:36
  812. So step one, don't run.So step one, don't run.77:37
  813. Step two, make a U turn step three, break free.Step two, make a U turn step three, break free.77:40
  814. So in the strategy, which is the first step, you have to have these action steps.So in the strategy, which is the first step, you have to have these action steps.77:43
  815. So in that first action step, step one, don't run, stop allowing them to speak to you in a disrespectful manner.So in that first action step, step one, don't run, stop allowing them to speak to you in a disrespectful manner.77:48
  816. I mean, that's the very first step.I mean, that's the very first step.77:59
  817. I know you feel like it's so overwhelming and it's fearful and it's scary and it feels like, oh my God, you're going to have all this backlash and II know you feel like it's so overwhelming and it's fearful and it's scary and it feels like, oh my God, you're going to have all this backlash and I78:01
  818. know that.know that.78:11
  819. Because you feel like they're going to have that tantrum, right?Because you feel like they're going to have that tantrum, right?78:13
  820. But that very first boundary, that very first baby step can be, I'm not going to allow myself to be spoken to in a way that's disrespectful.But that very first boundary, that very first baby step can be, I'm not going to allow myself to be spoken to in a way that's disrespectful.78:18
  821. That can be your very first step today because I know you have to course correct.That can be your very first step today because I know you have to course correct.78:30
  822. It's like, stop that conditioning, 180 degree turn, right?It's like, stop that conditioning, 180 degree turn, right?78:34
  823. Stop that conditioning.Stop that conditioning.78:39
  824. So first boundary is that start looking at them as if they are a child having a tantrum on the floor.So first boundary is that start looking at them as if they are a child having a tantrum on the floor.78:41
  825. Start putting that invisible shield down around you and like Superman having bullets off your chest or Wonder Woman with the gold bracelets.Start putting that invisible shield down around you and like Superman having bullets off your chest or Wonder Woman with the gold bracelets.78:49
  826. Remember, they didn't attach themselves to you because you have so little value.Remember, they didn't attach themselves to you because you have so little value.79:01
  827. They attached themselves to you because you had so much.They attached themselves to you because you had so much.79:06
  828. They devalue you because you have so much value.They devalue you because you have so much value.79:09
  829. So remember that start looking at them like that.So remember that start looking at them like that.79:12
  830. Stop defending yourself.Stop defending yourself.79:16
  831. Never explain justify or overshare.Never explain justify or overshare.79:20
  832. So just start looking at them as if they're a third party.So just start looking at them as if they're a third party.79:24
  833. Just say, we can discuss this when you have calmed down or I can see that you are upset.Just say, we can discuss this when you have calmed down or I can see that you are upset.79:29
  834. I can see that you are angry, observing their behavior.I can see that you are angry, observing their behavior.79:38
  835. Let it go by you.Let it go by you.79:43
  836. Pretend like the words are whizzing by you.Pretend like the words are whizzing by you.79:45
  837. I would say dodge ball.I would say dodge ball.79:50
  838. When I was a kid, dodge ball was a big thing.When I was a kid, dodge ball was a big thing.79:51
  839. I always remember the words are just like they're looking at you hitting the wall.I always remember the words are just like they're looking at you hitting the wall.79:54
  840. So is that just so I know because we're going to get a ton of questions, which is, okay, wait, how do I allow myself to not speak?So is that just so I know because we're going to get a ton of questions, which is, okay, wait, how do I allow myself to not speak?79:59
  841. How do I allow myself to hold a boundary and not be disrespected when this person barrages me with texts or yells at me and then I get paralyzed andHow do I allow myself to hold a boundary and not be disrespected when this person barrages me with texts or yells at me and then I get paralyzed and80:07
  842. you have these essential phrases that you coach people to use to disarm a narcissist and observe the tantrum acknowledgement, but not let it hit you.you have these essential phrases that you coach people to use to disarm a narcissist and observe the tantrum acknowledgement, but not let it hit you.80:16
  843. Can you share a bunch of those phrases that you coach people to use?Can you share a bunch of those phrases that you coach people to use?80:26
  844. Yes, you can say things like I agree with you.Yes, you can say things like I agree with you.80:30
  845. I agree with you that we're not going to agree.I agree with you that we're not going to agree.80:34
  846. I agree with you that that's your opinion.I agree with you that that's your opinion.80:37
  847. You can say things like that.You can say things like that.80:41
  848. I agree with you is always a good one because they kind of hear I agree with you, but just make sure that you follow it up with I agreeI agree with you is always a good one because they kind of hear I agree with you, but just make sure that you follow it up with I agree80:43
  849. that that's your opinion.that that's your opinion.80:51
  850. If they're saying things like you're a terrible mother or whatever, you just make sure I agree that that's your opinion.If they're saying things like you're a terrible mother or whatever, you just make sure I agree that that's your opinion.80:52
  851. Your triggers are not my responsibility.Your triggers are not my responsibility.81:01
  852. You can always say things like that because they often say you know it's your fault this or your fault that something like that, but you can always make sureYou can always say things like that because they often say you know it's your fault this or your fault that something like that, but you can always make sure81:05
  853. to remove yourself from a situation where you're not being respected.to remove yourself from a situation where you're not being respected.81:15
  854. I love these phrases.I love these phrases.81:21
  855. I understand that's how you feel.I understand that's how you feel.81:23
  856. Your approach is not working for me.Your approach is not working for me.81:26
  857. Let's discuss this when you're less emotional or angry.Let's discuss this when you're less emotional or angry.81:28
  858. Do you have any coaching for the fact that I think most people are afraid to say that because they're then going to invite narcissistic rage?Do you have any coaching for the fact that I think most people are afraid to say that because they're then going to invite narcissistic rage?81:31
  859. So when you use one of these phrases to connect with your power and to not allow yourself to be disrespected, I understand that's how you feel.So when you use one of these phrases to connect with your power and to not allow yourself to be disrespected, I understand that's how you feel.81:39
  860. And then the person raises the stakes and starts raging at you.And then the person raises the stakes and starts raging at you.81:49
  861. What would you advise somebody to do that is just starting to practice these boundaries and create boundaries and not run away from the situation?What would you advise somebody to do that is just starting to practice these boundaries and create boundaries and not run away from the situation?81:54
  862. If they feel like they are going to be in harm's way in some way, then they really may need to remove themselves from the same physical space.If they feel like they are going to be in harm's way in some way, then they really may need to remove themselves from the same physical space.82:03
  863. There's a saying that says that if you don't want to be a doormat anymore, get up You condition people on how to treat you.There's a saying that says that if you don't want to be a doormat anymore, get up You condition people on how to treat you.82:14
  864. And that may sound harsh, but it is the absolute truth.And that may sound harsh, but it is the absolute truth.82:29
  865. And narcissists are the best ones for that.And narcissists are the best ones for that.82:32
  866. And that's just the truth of the matter.And that's just the truth of the matter.82:36
  867. So if they don't change and somebody is either unwilling or too scared to leave right now, how can you truly negotiate with somebody like that?So if they don't change and somebody is either unwilling or too scared to leave right now, how can you truly negotiate with somebody like that?82:39
  868. Well, you can because what I teach works.Well, you can because what I teach works.82:50
  869. Rebecca, I just have to say, I love the swagger.Rebecca, I just have to say, I love the swagger.82:55
  870. Well, you can because what I teach works because that makes me believe you.Well, you can because what I teach works because that makes me believe you.82:59
  871. And you're referring to your slay method.And you're referring to your slay method.83:03
  872. And slay is a four part framework that you follow in the courtroom and in life for dealing with, negotiating with and winning against a narcissist.And slay is a four part framework that you follow in the courtroom and in life for dealing with, negotiating with and winning against a narcissist.83:06
  873. Can you explain what slay stands for?Can you explain what slay stands for?83:17
  874. Slay stands for strategy, leverage, anticipate and you.Slay stands for strategy, leverage, anticipate and you.83:21
  875. So let's start with the first one.So let's start with the first one.83:26
  876. S.S.83:27
  877. What does it stand for?What does it stand for?83:28
  878. S stands for developing a super strong strategy, which is the first part of that is creating a vision.S stands for developing a super strong strategy, which is the first part of that is creating a vision.83:30
  879. If you're just trying to communicate in general, if you're just trying to figure out what to do with them, if you're in a family situation, if you're just tryingIf you're just trying to communicate in general, if you're just trying to figure out what to do with them, if you're in a family situation, if you're just trying83:37
  880. to.to.83:46
  881. You know, figure out how to deal with them in life.You know, figure out how to deal with them in life.83:47
  882. If it's your neighbor, if it's your tenant, what is it that you want?If it's your neighbor, if it's your tenant, what is it that you want?83:52
  883. So many times people are like, I just want them to stop or I just want peace.So many times people are like, I just want them to stop or I just want peace.83:58
  884. That's not, that's not a goal.That's not, that's not a goal.84:03
  885. What you want to be specific about what you want.What you want to be specific about what you want.84:07
  886. So is there a reason why peace can't be a goal?So is there a reason why peace can't be a goal?84:11
  887. And let's, let's take the example that you either have a mother or a father who is a narcissist and all you do want is peace.And let's, let's take the example that you either have a mother or a father who is a narcissist and all you do want is peace.84:14
  888. You are not ready to become estranged and to remove them from your life.You are not ready to become estranged and to remove them from your life.84:23
  889. And you want to figure out a strategy that helps you know what your vision is.And you want to figure out a strategy that helps you know what your vision is.84:30
  890. How do you figure that out?How do you figure that out?84:39
  891. Because, you know, to your point, you always talk about these three C's that you can't change them, you can't control them and you can't, what's the other one?Because, you know, to your point, you always talk about these three C's that you can't change them, you can't control them and you can't, what's the other one?84:41
  892. You can't cause it, control it or cure it.You can't cause it, control it or cure it.84:50
  893. That's right.That's right.84:52
  894. You can't cause this.You can't cause this.84:53
  895. You can't cure it and you can't control it.You can't cure it and you can't control it.84:54
  896. And so knowing that how do you create a vision?And so knowing that how do you create a vision?84:56
  897. If it's your mother or your father, like what questions do you ask yourself?If it's your mother or your father, like what questions do you ask yourself?84:59
  898. I still think even if it's your mother or father, you can create a more specific vision around what that relationship should look like for you.I still think even if it's your mother or father, you can create a more specific vision around what that relationship should look like for you.85:04
  899. I don't want to be triggered all the time.I don't want to be triggered all the time.85:16
  900. I don't want her or his BS to trigger me or make me feel manipulated.I don't want her or his BS to trigger me or make me feel manipulated.85:18
  901. Right.Right.85:23
  902. Or even put that in positive terms.Or even put that in positive terms.85:24
  903. Like, you know, do I have to?Like, you know, do I have to?85:27
  904. Yeah.Yeah.85:29
  905. Put it in positive terms.Put it in positive terms.85:29
  906. Okay.Okay.85:31
  907. What does that look like?What does that look like?85:31
  908. Right.Right.85:33
  909. So, you know, we will see each other X number, number, number of times a year.So, you know, we will see each other X number, number, number of times a year.85:33
  910. And during those visits, we will have these kinds of conversations.And during those visits, we will have these kinds of conversations.85:40
  911. And, you know, this is how I will define the relationship.And, you know, this is how I will define the relationship.85:46
  912. And, you know, I think that you should be more specific like that because I love that.And, you know, I think that you should be more specific like that because I love that.85:51
  913. Yeah.Yeah.85:57
  914. I think that will be because you, you get what you envision in life.I think that will be because you, you get what you envision in life.85:58
  915. Right.Right.86:03
  916. So I love that.So I love that.86:04
  917. I love that because you're right.I love that because you're right.86:05
  918. I think you're so conditioned when you're dealing with somebody who's narcissistic to think about it from what you're enduring versus what would you actually want?I think you're so conditioned when you're dealing with somebody who's narcissistic to think about it from what you're enduring versus what would you actually want?86:07
  919. And a lot of times it's like, I'd like to be able to walk into a school function where my X is and not feel like I've just left myAnd a lot of times it's like, I'd like to be able to walk into a school function where my X is and not feel like I've just left my86:16
  920. body in a panic attack.body in a panic attack.86:25
  921. I put that in a negative, but that's a very common one that I noticed is that people dealing with X's and feeling completely enmeshed and triggered and wanting toI put that in a negative, but that's a very common one that I noticed is that people dealing with X's and feeling completely enmeshed and triggered and wanting to86:26
  922. be able to feel powerful and unaffected anytime I see them.be able to feel powerful and unaffected anytime I see them.86:41
  923. Right.Right.86:45
  924. Yeah.Yeah.86:47
  925. Is that positive enough?Is that positive enough?86:48
  926. No, I think it.No, I think it.86:49
  927. Okay.Okay.86:50
  928. I love you, Rebecca.I love you, Rebecca.86:51
  929. Help us.Help us.86:53
  930. I think it should be, I want to be able to walk into a school function and sit next to them and be able to discuss our child together andI think it should be, I want to be able to walk into a school function and sit next to them and be able to discuss our child together and86:54
  931. be happy for our child together and celebrate her together and go out for pizza together afterwards and laugh together during the show.be happy for our child together and celebrate her together and go out for pizza together afterwards and laugh together during the show.87:08
  932. Or, you know, I think that if you can be like really specific like that, that it would actually be more beneficial for you.Or, you know, I think that if you can be like really specific like that, that it would actually be more beneficial for you.87:24
  933. Beautiful.Beautiful.87:35
  934. L stands for leverage.L stands for leverage.87:36
  935. What does that mean?What does that mean?87:38
  936. So leverage is where you're actually creating that motivation for the person to want to be, you know, squeezed and incentivized to want to come to a resolution with you.So leverage is where you're actually creating that motivation for the person to want to be, you know, squeezed and incentivized to want to come to a resolution with you.87:39
  937. And in the case of a narcissist, it's going to have to be a situation where that diamond level supply is potentially going to be threatened.And in the case of a narcissist, it's going to have to be a situation where that diamond level supply is potentially going to be threatened.87:57
  938. Or, you know, there are times where you could potentially, what I would I call, you know, fluff for favor vomit later, you know, so where you're fluff for favorOr, you know, there are times where you could potentially, what I would I call, you know, fluff for favor vomit later, you know, so where you're fluff for favor88:12
  939. vomit later.vomit later.88:24
  940. Yes.Yes.88:25
  941. Where you sort of fluff up their ego in order to get something, you know, give give them something they want in order to get something you want.Where you sort of fluff up their ego in order to get something, you know, give give them something they want in order to get something you want.88:26
  942. You know, because I do this all the time with someone in my life, actually.You know, because I do this all the time with someone in my life, actually.88:35
  943. Yes.Yes.88:38
  944. I'm realizing I have, I have really developed this strategy.I'm realizing I have, I have really developed this strategy.88:39
  945. I do deploy a strategy.I do deploy a strategy.88:43
  946. I'm realizing as you're talking to feed a particular person's ego that they are getting their way, that they are the most important person in the room.I'm realizing as you're talking to feed a particular person's ego that they are getting their way, that they are the most important person in the room.88:47
  947. And I do that as a manipulation strategy so that I can get what I want.And I do that as a manipulation strategy so that I can get what I want.89:01
  948. Exactly.Exactly.89:08
  949. Just as long as you know that you're only doing it in order to get, you know, what you want.Just as long as you know that you're only doing it in order to get, you know, what you want.89:09
  950. So if you have to go shower or vomit later, then, you know, you do the thing.So if you have to go shower or vomit later, then, you know, you do the thing.89:14
  951. But, you know, it's in order to get what you want later.But, you know, it's in order to get what you want later.89:19
  952. So, but more often than not, what you kind of have to do is use your documentation because they lie so much because they're so careless, frankly.So, but more often than not, what you kind of have to do is use your documentation because they lie so much because they're so careless, frankly.89:24
  953. I mean, they don't think you're ever going to keep track of all the different times that they say things that are, you know, they'll say something in a textI mean, they don't think you're ever going to keep track of all the different times that they say things that are, you know, they'll say something in a text89:38
  954. message, they'll say something in an email.message, they'll say something in an email.89:51
  955. They'll say, I mean, honestly, they are very irrational.They'll say, I mean, honestly, they are very irrational.89:54
  956. They, as we talked about at the beginning of this show, how many times their memory is faulty or whatever.They, as we talked about at the beginning of this show, how many times their memory is faulty or whatever.89:58
  957. And, but if you keep track, that's how you create your leverage in a negotiation.And, but if you keep track, that's how you create your leverage in a negotiation.90:04
  958. And you say, Hey, you said this, you said this, you said this, I am going to present this in court.And you say, Hey, you said this, you said this, you said this, I am going to present this in court.90:15
  959. I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator.I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator.90:25
  960. You can call it whatever you want.You can call it whatever you want.90:28
  961. Many times empaths are uncomfortable with that sort of thing.Many times empaths are uncomfortable with that sort of thing.90:30
  962. You have to be on the offensive when you are dealing with a narcissist.You have to be on the offensive when you are dealing with a narcissist.90:34
  963. It's not doing anything other than what works.It's not doing anything other than what works.90:40
  964. I mean, it's not anything that's, you know, unethical at all.I mean, it's not anything that's, you know, unethical at all.90:46
  965. But you have to do the things that are, are offensive.But you have to do the things that are, are offensive.90:54
  966. Whereas most empaths are like, I don't want to fight.Whereas most empaths are like, I don't want to fight.91:00
  967. I just want to resolve this peacefully.I just want to resolve this peacefully.91:04
  968. Let's just come to a resolution.Let's just come to a resolution.91:06
  969. But if you want to come to a resolution and you want them to stop jerking you around and you want them to leave you alone, this is what youBut if you want to come to a resolution and you want them to stop jerking you around and you want them to leave you alone, this is what you91:09
  970. have to do because they're never going to leave you alone.have to do because they're never going to leave you alone.91:18
  971. They're never going to stop.They're never going to stop.91:23
  972. You know, so many people come to me and they say, Oh, we're still in court.You know, so many people come to me and they say, Oh, we're still in court.91:25
  973. It's five years later.It's five years later.91:30
  974. They won't leave me alone.They won't leave me alone.91:31
  975. And I say, well, then you haven't figured out how what your diamond level supply is yet.And I say, well, then you haven't figured out how what your diamond level supply is yet.91:33
  976. You haven't figured out how to, you know, what your leverage is yet.You haven't figured out how to, you know, what your leverage is yet.91:39
  977. I bet that part figuring out your leverage is the hardest part because you feel so spun around by the narcissist.I bet that part figuring out your leverage is the hardest part because you feel so spun around by the narcissist.91:44
  978. So let me just see if I can track with you here in your four part framework for negotiating with a narcissist.So let me just see if I can track with you here in your four part framework for negotiating with a narcissist.91:51
  979. It's slay.It's slay.91:57
  980. So remember everybody.So remember everybody.91:59
  981. S is strategy.S is strategy.92:01
  982. You have to have a vision of what you're looking for and that you want to get out of the relationship.You have to have a vision of what you're looking for and that you want to get out of the relationship.92:02
  983. And, and again, you have to have this going in or you're going to be spun around like a top.And, and again, you have to have this going in or you're going to be spun around like a top.92:09
  984. And the example that you gave Rebecca is my strategy is I'd like to sit next to them in a school function and discuss our child in a civil manner.And the example that you gave Rebecca is my strategy is I'd like to sit next to them in a school function and discuss our child in a civil manner.92:14
  985. The next step is L and L is for leverage.The next step is L and L is for leverage.92:24
  986. And again, this has to do with that narcissistic supply.And again, this has to do with that narcissistic supply.92:29
  987. They're always going to want to feed their ego.They're always going to want to feed their ego.92:33
  988. This never ends.This never ends.92:36
  989. You've learned this and you have to accept that as fact and then use your leverage to give them what they want, even if it makes you vomit later.You've learned this and you have to accept that as fact and then use your leverage to give them what they want, even if it makes you vomit later.92:37
  990. And you're doing this.And you're doing this.92:47
  991. You're giving them the supply, the attention, the praise, the this, the that, the weekend trade that they're asking for.You're giving them the supply, the attention, the praise, the this, the that, the weekend trade that they're asking for.92:50
  992. You're giving them that even if it may, I don't want to have to do this.You're giving them that even if it may, I don't want to have to do this.92:58
  993. Why?Why?93:02
  994. So you can get what you want.So you can get what you want.93:02
  995. And the reason why this is important is because when you supply them with something, what happens?And the reason why this is important is because when you supply them with something, what happens?93:04
  996. You go into the cycle where they're nice to you.You go into the cycle where they're nice to you.93:09
  997. And lots of leverage, by the way, Rebecca is teaching you comes down to giving them what they want, but also documenting what they say.And lots of leverage, by the way, Rebecca is teaching you comes down to giving them what they want, but also documenting what they say.93:11
  998. What they do and how many times you say something and how many times you do something.What they do and how many times you say something and how many times you do something.93:24
  999. And why do you need the documentation, especially if you're in sort of a confrontational kind of thing?And why do you need the documentation, especially if you're in sort of a confrontational kind of thing?93:30
  1000. And you don't have to be in court for this, by the way.And you don't have to be in court for this, by the way.93:36
  1001. This might be that you constantly argue with your parents about who's hosting the holidays.This might be that you constantly argue with your parents about who's hosting the holidays.93:38
  1002. Keep a record.Keep a record.93:42
  1003. Keep a record.Keep a record.93:44
  1004. So you have proof.So you have proof.93:45
  1005. I'm dead serious about this because this comes down to leverage and to supply.I'm dead serious about this because this comes down to leverage and to supply.93:46
  1006. Right.Right.93:50
  1007. And this also keeps you from going crazy.And this also keeps you from going crazy.93:50
  1008. And a lot of this has to do with the fact that when you give them something, they're in a good mood.And a lot of this has to do with the fact that when you give them something, they're in a good mood.93:52
  1009. So you can sneak in what you want.So you can sneak in what you want.93:59
  1010. See how this works?See how this works?94:01
  1011. I love this.I love this.94:02
  1012. So now that we understand the strategy and the leverage, A comes next and you say, Rebecca, you and I got to be able to be two steps ahead.So now that we understand the strategy and the leverage, A comes next and you say, Rebecca, you and I got to be able to be two steps ahead.94:04
  1013. Always.Always.94:15
  1014. You got to anticipate.You got to anticipate.94:16
  1015. Can you teach us what you mean by that?Can you teach us what you mean by that?94:18
  1016. So A is where you can actually figure out the type of narcissists that you're dealing with, because they will all act a little differently in negotiations.So A is where you can actually figure out the type of narcissists that you're dealing with, because they will all act a little differently in negotiations.94:21
  1017. And so a covert narcissist is much more likely to use the flying monkeys and pretend like they're the nice one and I'm the victim and, you know, oh, poorAnd so a covert narcissist is much more likely to use the flying monkeys and pretend like they're the nice one and I'm the victim and, you know, oh, poor94:31
  1018. me and all of that covert narcissists are going to be the first one.me and all of that covert narcissists are going to be the first one.94:42
  1019. If somebody has cancer to show up with the basket and be right at their side in the hospital and, you know, that sort of thing, but smearing everybody onIf somebody has cancer to show up with the basket and be right at their side in the hospital and, you know, that sort of thing, but smearing everybody on94:47
  1020. the side, you know, so, you know, you just have to be careful of who you're dealing with.the side, you know, so, you know, you just have to be careful of who you're dealing with.94:56
  1021. And then the anticipation is that also that knowing that they're going to try to bait you, I always say they go fishing.And then the anticipation is that also that knowing that they're going to try to bait you, I always say they go fishing.95:01
  1022. They go, and then they, they reel you in.They go, and then they, they reel you in.95:14
  1023. Like this.Like this.95:16
  1024. And then once they have you, you're in the mud and you're down there.And then once they have you, you're in the mud and you're down there.95:17
  1025. That makes a lot of sense.That makes a lot of sense.95:21
  1026. So what's the final part of the four part slay framework?So what's the final part of the four part slay framework?95:23
  1027. Why?Why?95:27
  1028. Which is you, which is you standing in your authentic power for you on the offensive and then also your mindset because a hundred percent of winning is your mindset.Which is you, which is you standing in your authentic power for you on the offensive and then also your mindset because a hundred percent of winning is your mindset.95:28
  1029. And if you don't believe you can win, nobody can help you.And if you don't believe you can win, nobody can help you.95:39
  1030. And, you know, I have so many people who have said to me, you know, that I can't win or I can't do this or whatever.And, you know, I have so many people who have said to me, you know, that I can't win or I can't do this or whatever.95:44
  1031. And I always say to people, do you want to be right about that?And I always say to people, do you want to be right about that?95:53
  1032. Or do you actually want to win?Or do you actually want to win?95:57
  1033. Because you can be right or you can actually get out of this and win, but you can't have both, right?Because you can be right or you can actually get out of this and win, but you can't have both, right?96:00
  1034. The good news is that there is a way to deal with them.The good news is that there is a way to deal with them.96:08
  1035. You know, most people think that there's not.You know, most people think that there's not.96:14
  1036. Most people say you can't negotiate with a narcissist.Most people say you can't negotiate with a narcissist.96:18
  1037. You can't deal with a narcissist.You can't deal with a narcissist.96:21
  1038. There's nothing you can do that it's pointless.There's nothing you can do that it's pointless.96:23
  1039. It's hopeless.It's hopeless.96:27
  1040. The good news is that there is actually a framework.The good news is that there is actually a framework.96:29
  1041. It is actually pretty simple.It is actually pretty simple.96:33
  1042. They are actually pretty simple to understand.They are actually pretty simple to understand.96:36
  1043. And that once you get on the other side of it and you stand up to them and you you grab that power, the freedom that you feel, the feelingAnd that once you get on the other side of it and you stand up to them and you you grab that power, the freedom that you feel, the feeling96:39
  1044. that you feel is actually beyond better than anything else.that you feel is actually beyond better than anything else.96:53
  1045. The people who I've helped through my programs are so powerful.The people who I've helped through my programs are so powerful.96:59
  1046. Now I actually now have master coaches who are becoming, you know, they're graduating from my coaching program now.Now I actually now have master coaches who are becoming, you know, they're graduating from my coaching program now.97:04
  1047. And it is beyond anything else that's more magical and more powerful than ever.And it is beyond anything else that's more magical and more powerful than ever.97:15
  1048. That's the beautiful thing.That's the beautiful thing.97:24
  1049. You and you alone define your value.You and you alone define your value.97:27
  1050. You can win.You can win.97:30
  1051. Thank you.Thank you.97:32
  1052. Thank you.Thank you.97:33
  1053. Thank you.Thank you.97:34
  1054. Because we are all benefiting from the wisdom and the experience and all of this insight and these strategies that you are sharing with people around the world.Because we are all benefiting from the wisdom and the experience and all of this insight and these strategies that you are sharing with people around the world.97:35
  1055. And I personally want to thank you for taking the time to be with us and to empower us to not only spot this in our lives, but be smarterAnd I personally want to thank you for taking the time to be with us and to empower us to not only spot this in our lives, but be smarter97:48
  1056. about it and take that first step, which is don't run, get connected to your power and start to make a plan.about it and take that first step, which is don't run, get connected to your power and start to make a plan.97:57
  1057. And because of what you shared today, Rebecca's on, we now can.And because of what you shared today, Rebecca's on, we now can.98:04
  1058. Thank you.Thank you.98:09
  1059. Thank you.Thank you.98:09
  1060. Thank you for having me.Thank you for having me.98:10
  1061. Oh, I got a lot out of that.Oh, I got a lot out of that.98:13
  1062. I hope you did too.I hope you did too.98:15
  1063. And one of the things that I hope you will be able to do, given all of the tools and the wisdom and the analogies and the visuals and theAnd one of the things that I hope you will be able to do, given all of the tools and the wisdom and the analogies and the visuals and the98:16
  1064. scripts that Rebecca just gave you, as I hope you can be the good witch in your own life, that when toxic people or narcissism comes floating in like thatscripts that Rebecca just gave you, as I hope you can be the good witch in your own life, that when toxic people or narcissism comes floating in like that98:24
  1065. bad witch in the Wizard of Oz, you can just raise your hand, go away.bad witch in the Wizard of Oz, you can just raise your hand, go away.98:35
  1066. You have no power here.You have no power here.98:39
  1067. Because if you use the tools and the strategies that you just learned, they will have no power over you.Because if you use the tools and the strategies that you just learned, they will have no power over you.98:41
  1068. And that's exactly what I want.And that's exactly what I want.98:49
  1069. I want you to feel connected to yourself and I want you to be able to rise above this stuff so that you can get what you want out ofI want you to feel connected to yourself and I want you to be able to rise above this stuff so that you can get what you want out of98:52
  1070. your life, regardless of what that is.your life, regardless of what that is.99:02
  1071. Alrighty, in case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you and I believe in your ability toAlrighty, in case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you and I believe in your ability to99:05
  1072. create a better life.create a better life.99:13
  1073. And now you have the tools to do so, even when there's a narcissist in it.And now you have the tools to do so, even when there's a narcissist in it.99:14
  1074. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days.Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days.99:19
  1075. Thank you so much for being here with me on YouTube and because you got so much out of this, I want you to go to this video next.Thank you so much for being here with me on YouTube and because you got so much out of this, I want you to go to this video next.99:22
  1076. It's the five signs that you're dealing with a narcissist and you're going to love it.It's the five signs that you're dealing with a narcissist and you're going to love it.99:28
  1077. Check it out.Check it out.99:31

Terukur di klip ini

Kecepatan
161 kata per menit — lebih cepat dari 27% katalog
Tingkat CEFR
B2
Kata yang perlu diketahui
limbic, prefrontal, inconsistency, visualizing, tiers, litigator
Unduh di App Store