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Latihan shadowing: Body language expert: 7 cues that make you instantly more likable | Full Interview

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  1. I'm Vanessa Van Edwards.Saya Vanessa Van Edwards.0:00
  2. I'm a behavioral researcher and best -selling author.Saya peneliti perilaku dan penulis bestseller.0:01
  3. My books, Captivate and Cues, teach people the 97 signals to be charismatic.Buku saya, Captivate dan Cues, mengajarkan orang 97 sinyal untuk menjadi karismatik.0:04
  4. I also teach communication at Harvard University and have online courses for smart people who want to learn social skills.Saya juga mengajar komunikasi di Harvard University dan memiliki kursus online untuk orang pintar yang ingin belajar keterampilan sosial.0:08
  5. Today on Big Think, I'm going to be talking about how to make a great first impression, how to create a memorable presence, and how to communicate with influence.Hari ini di Big Think, saya akan berbicara tentang cara membuat kesan pertama yang baik, cara menciptakan kehadiran yang berkesan, dan cara berkomunikasi dengan pengaruh.0:15
  6. Chapter 1 How to Make a Great First Impression A first impression is so important for every interaction.Bab 1 Cara Membuat Kesan Pertama yang Baik Kesan pertama sangat penting untuk setiap interaksi.0:29
  7. It's the foundation for a good interaction.Ini adalah fondasi untuk interaksi yang baik.0:38
  8. If you can nail your first impression, in those first few seconds, everything in the interaction becomes easier.Jika Anda dapat menguasai kesan pertama Anda, dalam beberapa detik pertama, segalanya dalam interaksi menjadi lebih mudah.0:40
  9. On the other hand, if you make an awkward or a bad or a disengaged first impression, everything about your connection becomes harder.Di sisi lain, jika Anda membuat kesan pertama yang canggung atau buruk atau tidak terlibat, semuanya dalam koneksi Anda menjadi lebih sulit.0:46
  10. Those first two seconds, you are trying to establish two things, presence and trust.Dua detik pertama itu, Anda mencoba menetapkan dua hal, kehadiran dan kepercayaan.0:54
  11. The clearer you can signal your presence as memorable and effective, the easier your interaction will be.Semakin jelas Anda dapat memberi sinyal kehadiran Anda sebagai berkesan dan efektif, semakin mudah interaksi Anda.0:59
  12. A big myth about first impressions is that your first impression happens the moment you start talking.Mitos besar tentang kesan pertama adalah kesan pertama Anda terjadi saat Anda mulai berbicara.1:05
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  1. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your first impression happens the moment someone first sees you.Saya tidak suka menjadi pembawa kabar buruk, tapi kesan pertama Anda terjadi saat seseorang pertama kali melihat Anda.1:10
  2. That means you only have a few seconds, sometimes less than a second, to form that foundation of trust that you need for an entire interaction.Itu berarti Anda hanya punya beberapa detik, kadang kurang dari satu detik, untuk membentuk fondasi kepercayaan yang Anda butuhkan untuk seluruh interaksi.1:16
  3. The big question is, what is presence?Pertanyaan besarnya adalah, apa itu kehadiran?1:24
  4. There is foundational research from Dr.Ada penelitian dasar dari Dr.1:27
  5. Susan Fisk that looks at how we connect with others.Susan Fisk yang melihat bagaimana kita terhubung dengan orang lain.1:29
  6. There are two essential elements for presence.Ada dua elemen penting untuk kehadiran.1:31
  7. First, warmth.Pertama, kehangatan.1:35
  8. This is your trust, your likability, your openness.Ini adalah kepercayaan Anda, kesukaan Anda, keterbukaan Anda.1:36
  9. But second, just as important is your competence.Tetapi yang kedua, sama pentingnya adalah kompetensi Anda.1:39
  10. That's your effectiveness, your capability, your productivity.Itu adalah keefektifan Anda, kemampuan Anda, produktivitas Anda.1:42
  11. When we first meet someone, we're trying to very quickly decide how warm are you and how competent are you.Ketika kita pertama kali bertemu seseorang, kita mencoba dengan cepat memutuskan seberapa hangat Anda dan seberapa kompeten Anda.1:46
  12. Specifically, as humans, we're trying to answer two basic questions.Secara khusus, sebagai manusia, kami mencoba menjawab dua pertanyaan dasar.1:53
  13. Can I trust you, warmth, and can I rely on you, competence?Bisakah saya mempercayai Anda, kehangatan, dan bisakah saya mengandalkan Anda, kompetensi?1:57
  14. People with an incredible presence, a memorable presence, are very quickly trying to answer those two questions.Orang-orang dengan kehadiran yang luar biasa, kehadiran yang berkesan, dengan cepat mencoba menjawab dua pertanyaan itu.2:01
  15. And for you, the faster you can answer those two questions, you can trust me, you can rely on me, the more memorable and effective your presence is.Dan untuk Anda, semakin cepat Anda dapat menjawab dua pertanyaan itu, Anda dapat mempercayai saya, Anda dapat mengandalkan saya, semakin berkesan dan efektif kehadiran Anda.2:08
  16. When I first read this research and saw this amazing, basically a formula for presence on warmth and competence, there was one part of the research that made me takeKetika saya pertama kali membaca penelitian ini dan melihat formula yang menakjubkan ini untuk kehadiran pada kehangatan dan kompetensi, ada satu bagian dari penelitian yang membuat saya berhenti.2:17
  17. pause, and we have to mention it here.Dan kami harus menyebutkannya di sini.2:26
  18. This is not your actual warmth and competence, it's your perceived warmth and competence.Ini bukan kehangatan dan kompetensi aktual Anda, tetapi kehangatan dan kompetensi yang dirasakan.2:28
  19. Meaning, you can be the smartest, most trustworthy person in the room, but if you're not clearly signaling that warmth and competence, people will not believe it.Artinya, Anda bisa menjadi orang paling cerdas dan paling dapat dipercaya di ruangan itu, tetapi jika Anda tidak secara jelas memberi sinyal kehangatan dan kompetensi itu, orang tidak akan mempercayainya.2:34
  20. I think this is the most important aspect of presence.Saya pikir ini adalah aspek kehadiran yang paling penting.2:43
  21. If you are showing up to your interactions authentically trustworthy, which I hope you are, and knowing your stuff, we have to clearly signal that with warmth and competence forJika Anda menunjukkan diri Anda untuk interaksi Anda dengan otentik dapat dipercaya, yang saya harapkan Anda adalah, dan mengetahui barang Anda, kami harus secara jelas memberi sinyal itu dengan kehangatan dan kompetensi untuk orang mempercayai kehadiran kami.2:46
  22. people to believe in our presence.orang untuk percaya pada kehadiran kita.2:54
  23. The goal is not to fake confidence, it's to align your inner intention with your outer expression.Tujuannya bukan untuk pura-pura percaya diri, tetapi untuk menyelaraskan niat batin Anda dengan ekspresi luar Anda.2:56
  24. The question is, how do we read someone's warmth and competence?Pertanyaannya adalah, bagaimana kita membaca kehangatan dan kompetensi seseorang?3:02
  25. It all comes down to our cues.Semuanya tergantung pada isyarat kita.3:06
  26. Cues are the subtle but powerful social signals humans send to each other.Isyarat adalah sinyal sosial yang halus namun kuat yang dikirim manusia satu sama lain.3:08
  27. There are actually four channels of cues.Sebenarnya ada empat saluran isyarat.3:13
  28. First are words, this is the channel we use the most.Pertama adalah kata-kata, ini adalah saluran yang paling sering kita gunakan.3:16
  29. Yes, our words communicate our ideas, but actually the words we use also signal our warmth and competence.Ya, kata-kata kita mengomunikasikan ide-ide kita, tetapi sebenarnya kata-kata yang kita gunakan juga menunjukkan kehangatan dan kompetensi kita.3:19
  30. The second channel is our nonverbal, so our body language, our facial expressions, our gestures, these also signal trust, warmth, and competence, reliability, or knowledge.Saluran kedua adalah nonverbal kami, jadi bahasa tubuh kami, ekspresi wajah kami, gerakan kami, ini juga menunjukkan kepercayaan, kehangatan, dan kompetensi, keandalan, atau pengetahuan.3:26
  31. The third channel is voice or vocal tonality.Saluran ketiga adalah suara atau tonalitas vokal.3:36
  32. This is our volume, our pace, our cadence.Ini adalah volume kami, kecepatan kami, irama kami.3:39
  33. How we say our words matters just as much as what we say.Cara kita mengucapkan kata-kata kita sama pentingnya dengan apa yang kita katakan.3:42
  34. And the last, the smallest channel is our ornaments.Dan yang terakhir, saluran terkecil adalah hiasan kami.3:46
  35. So the colors we wear, the jewelry, what's behind us in our background, what's on our desk, the props we're holding in our profile photos, that also can signal warmthJadi warna yang kita kenakan, perhiasan, apa yang ada di belakang kami di latar belakang kami, apa yang ada di meja kami, perlengkapan yang kami pegang di foto profil kami, itu juga dapat menunjukkan kehangatan3:49
  36. and competence.dan kompetensi.3:57
  37. I like to split cues up into two buckets, positive and negative.Saya suka membagi isyarat menjadi dua kategori, positif dan negatif.3:58
  38. Positive cues stimulate connection and engagement.Isyarat positif merangsang koneksi dan keterlibatan.4:02
  39. They are crucial to a great first impression.Mereka penting untuk kesan pertama yang bagus.4:05
  40. The second bucket, negative cues.Kategori kedua, isyarat negatif.4:07
  41. These signal disinterest, discomfort, anxiety.Ini menunjukkan ketidakminat, ketidaknyamanan, kecemasan.4:09
  42. They begin to create difficult or friction filled interactions.Mereka mulai menciptakan interaksi yang sulit atau penuh gesekan.4:12
  43. And what most people don't realize about cues is there's a cycle.Dan apa yang tidak disadari kebanyakan orang tentang isyarat adalah ada siklus.4:16
  44. In this way, we often decode cues in social settings.Dengan cara ini, kita sering menguraikan isyarat dalam pengaturan sosial.4:19
  45. So we'll walk into a meeting or walk into a room and we decode the room.Jadi kita akan masuk ke pertemuan atau masuk ke ruangan dan kita menguraikan ruangan itu.4:23
  46. We read the room.Kami membaca ruangan itu.4:27
  47. We want to see what cues are being sent to us.Kami ingin melihat isyarat apa yang dikirim kepada kami.4:28
  48. Do people like us?Apakah orang-orang menyukai kami?4:31
  49. Are they positive cues or do people not like us?Apakah mereka isyarat positif atau orang-orang tidak menyukai kami?4:32
  50. Are they negative cues?Apakah mereka isyarat negatif?4:34
  51. And this is the second part of the cycle now.Dan ini adalah bagian kedua dari siklus sekarang.4:35
  52. After we decode a cue, we internalize it.Setelah kita menguraikan isyarat, kita menginternalisasinya.4:37
  53. If someone just has sent us a cue of social rejection, our body goes, uh -oh, I'm not safe.Jika seseorang baru saja mengirimkan kepada kami isyarat penolakan sosial, tubuh kita berkata, uh, oh, saya tidak aman.4:40
  54. And it begins to do the last part of the cycle, which is encoding.Dan itu mulai melakukan bagian terakhir dari siklus, yang sedang mengkode.4:46
  55. That's sending social signals back.Itu mengirimkan sinyal sosial kembali.4:50
  56. To explain how cues work, I like to think of a study that changed the way that I think about social signals.Untuk menjelaskan bagaimana isyarat bekerja, saya suka memikirkan sebuah studi yang mengubah cara saya berpikir tentang sinyal sosial.4:52
  57. In this study, they brought people into their lab and they had them walk into a room of actors.Dalam studi ini, mereka membawa orang-orang ke lab mereka dan mereka membiarkan mereka berjalan ke dalam ruangan pemeran.4:57
  58. The actors were instructed to send the participant a cue of social rejection.Para pemeran diinstruksikan untuk mengirimkan peserta isyarat penolakan sosial.5:03
  59. A cue of social rejection is very negative.Isyarat penolakan sosial sangat negatif.5:08
  60. It could be an eye roll.Bisa menjadi gelengan mata.5:10
  61. It could be a scoff.Bisa menjadi desisan.5:12
  62. It's something that's designed to make us feel like we don't belong.Ini adalah sesuatu yang dirancang untuk membuat kita merasa bahwa kita tidak termasuk.5:14
  63. What they found was when the participant saw the cue of social rejection, their own field of vision increased.Apa yang mereka temukan adalah ketika peserta melihat isyarat penolakan sosial, lapangan visi mereka sendiri meningkat.5:18
  64. Their pupils dilated so they could see more of the environment.Pupil mereka melebar sehingga mereka bisa melihat lebih banyak dari lingkungan.5:26
  65. Why?Mengapa?5:30
  66. This is the cue cycle in action.Ini adalah siklus isyarat dalam aksi.5:31
  67. They decoded a negative cue.Mereka menguraikan isyarat negatif.5:33
  68. They internalized it.Mereka menginternalisasinya.5:35
  69. Uh -oh, I'm not safe.Uh, oh, saya tidak aman.5:36
  70. And then they began to encode back nervousness and anxiety.Dan kemudian mereka mulai mengkode kembali kegelisahan dan kecemasan.5:37
  71. What's critical to a first impression is showing up, encoding the right cues, sending social signals of warmth and competence, which hopefully others will internalize as, I can rely andYang penting untuk kesan pertama adalah menunjukkan diri, mengkode isyarat yang tepat, mengirim sinyal sosial kehangatan dan kompetensi, yang diharapkan orang lain akan menginternalisasi sebagai, saya bisa mengandalkan5:41
  72. trust this person and may send warmth and competence signals back to us.percayai orang ini dan dapat mengirimkan sinyal kehangatan dan kompetensi kembali kepada kami.5:53
  73. This is the basis of all great social connections, especially at work.Ini adalah dasar dari semua koneksi sosial yang hebat, terutama di tempat kerja.5:57
  74. We are very attuned to people who are sending us positive cues, warmth and competence, so we can feel, ah, I'm in good hands.Kami sangat peka terhadap orang-orang yang mengirimkan kepada kami isyarat positif, kehangatan dan kompetensi, jadi kami bisa merasa, ah, saya berada di tangan yang baik.6:01
  75. I can rely on this person.Saya bisa mengandalkan orang ini.6:08
  76. We also want to make sure that we are spotting the correct negative cues so we can disengage them or disarm them.Kami juga ingin memastikan bahwa kami mendeteksi isyarat negatif yang benar sehingga kami dapat melepaskan mereka atau melucuti mereka.6:10
  77. Can we also debunk a myth here, which is the Albert Moravian study that 93 % of our communication is nonverbal.Bisakah kami juga membantah mitos di sini, yaitu studi Albert Moravian yang mengatakan 93 persen dari komunikasi kami adalah nonverbal.6:16
  78. That study was overgeneralized and unable to be repeated, which means that, yes, a lot of our communication is nonverbal, but it's very hard to pinpoint exactly how much.Studi itu digeneralisasi secara berlebihan dan tidak dapat diulang, yang berarti ya, banyak komunikasi kami adalah nonverbal, tetapi sangat sulit untuk menentukan dengan tepat berapa banyak.6:22
  79. Even Moravian himself cautioned against using this study too much and in every context.Bahkan Moravian sendiri memperingatkan terhadap penggunaan studi ini terlalu banyak dan di setiap konteks.6:33
  80. We do know that we often as humans look to nonverbal signals to see authenticity.Kami tahu bahwa kita sering sebagai manusia mencari sinyal nonverbal untuk melihat keaslian.6:37
  81. So for example, if I were to say to you, hey, I'm so happy to see you, you are more likely to believe my nonverbal over my words.Jadi misalnya, jika saya berkata kepada Anda, hei, saya sangat senang melihat Anda, Anda lebih cenderung percaya nonverbal saya daripada kata-kata saya.6:43
  82. In this way, we know that nonverbal makes up a critical amount of our communication and it should not be ignored.Dengan cara ini, kita tahu bahwa bahasa tubuh menjadi bagian penting dari komunikasi kita dan itu tidak boleh diabaikan.6:52
  83. The goal in every interaction is to make our cues purposeful so that we are sending signals that put people at ease, that make them feel that they're in theTujuannya dalam setiap interaksi adalah membuat isyarat kita bermakna sehingga kita mengirim sinyal yang membuat orang merasa nyaman, yang membuat mereka merasa bahwa mereka berada di6:59
  84. right hands and they can actually open up to connect with you.tangan yang tepat dan mereka benar-benar dapat membuka diri untuk terhubung dengan Anda.7:07
  85. Also, if we're purposeful and intentional with our cues, it puts us in the driver's seat.Juga, jika kita sengaja dan disengaja dengan isyarat kita, itu menempatkan kita di posisi pengemudi.7:10
  86. It makes us feel intentional and in control, which is the backdoor into confidence.It makes us feel intentional and in control, which is the backdoor into confidence.7:14
  87. The next question that we have to answer is, what do we do if someone sends us a negative cue?The next question that we have to answer is, what do we do if someone sends us a negative cue?7:19
  88. How do we stop it from hijacking our emotions?How do we stop it from hijacking our emotions?7:24
  89. How do we make sure that we're internalizing it and not letting us throw us off our game?How do we make sure that we're internalizing it and not letting us throw us off our game?7:27
  90. Luckily, there is amazing research from Dr.Luckily, there is amazing research from Dr.7:32
  91. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA.Matthew Lieberman at UCLA.7:34
  92. He devised a very interesting experiment.He devised a very interesting experiment.7:36
  93. He brought people into his lab and he put them in fMRIs, scanned their brain, and he showed them pictures of fearful and angry faces.He brought people into his lab and he put them in fMRIs, scanned their brain, and he showed them pictures of fearful and angry faces.7:38
  94. What he found is that when people were in the scanner and they saw the picture of a fearful or angry face, they, in fact, caught the emotion.What he found is that when people were in the scanner and they saw the picture of a fearful or angry face, they, in fact, caught the emotion.7:46
  95. That part of their amygdala that is very fear -based also lit up.That part of their amygdala that is very fear -based also lit up.7:54
  96. In this way, emotions are contagious.In this way, emotions are contagious.7:57
  97. If we see someone show us an angry face or a scared face, we catch that anger or fear.If we see someone show us an angry face or a scared face, we catch that anger or fear.8:00
  98. But here's the best part.But here's the best part.8:05
  99. When he taught them to say or label anger, fear, it disengaged the amygdala.When he taught them to say or label anger, fear, it disengaged the amygdala.8:06
  100. It made it so that those participants no longer felt angry and afraid.It made it so that those participants no longer felt angry and afraid.8:13
  101. In this way, learning how to label cues is super empowering.In this way, learning how to label cues is super empowering.8:17
  102. It's the only way that we can stop that hijacking process.It's the only way that we can stop that hijacking process.8:22
  103. The first cue I want to teach you is called a punctuator.The first cue I want to teach you is called a punctuator.8:25
  104. So a punctuator is a habitual cue that someone uses.So a punctuator is a habitual cue that someone uses.8:28
  105. For example, you might have someone who punctuates with a surprise microexpression.For example, you might have someone who punctuates with a surprise microexpression.8:32
  106. That's when someone widens their eyes and opens their mouth.That's when someone widens their eyes and opens their mouth.8:36
  107. For them, they might be, when they're curious, when they're happy, that would not mean they are constantly surprised.For them, they might be, when they're curious, when they're happy, that would not mean they are constantly surprised.8:39
  108. Everyone in your life probably has a punctuator they use out of habit.Everyone in your life probably has a punctuator they use out of habit.8:46
  109. You probably have one as well.You probably have one as well.8:50
  110. Before I teach you what all the cues mean, it's important to understand first what your punctuator is.Before I teach you what all the cues mean, it's important to understand first what your punctuator is.8:52
  111. A really easy way to do this is to watch a video of yourself, maybe a previous meeting recording, and watch yourself on silent.A really easy way to do this is to watch a video of yourself, maybe a previous meeting recording, and watch yourself on silent.8:58
  112. What nonverbal cue are you doing with your face or your hands or your body that you do out of habit?What nonverbal cue are you doing with your face or your hands or your body that you do out of habit?9:05
  113. Same thing with the people you work with or the people in your life.Same thing with the people you work with or the people in your life.9:11
  114. What are they punctuating with?What are they punctuating with?9:13
  115. For them, that is their nonverbal habit.For them, that is their nonverbal habit.9:15
  116. First, let's talk about my favorite warmth cues in our first impression.First, let's talk about my favorite warmth cues in our first impression.9:18
  117. What happens when you first see someone you typically reach out for a handshake, a cheek kiss, a fist bump, a high five, a hug, a side hug, but notWhat happens when you first see someone you typically reach out for a handshake, a cheek kiss, a fist bump, a high five, a hug, a side hug, but not9:22
  118. those.those.9:29
  119. This is your human to human instinct to reach out and touch.This is your human to human instinct to reach out and touch.9:30
  120. Now, touch has a lot of different meanings around the world, but what we do know is when one human touches another, we produce a little chemical called oxytocin.Now, touch has a lot of different meanings around the world, but what we do know is when one human touches another, we produce a little chemical called oxytocin.9:34
  121. Oxytocin does a lot of things in our body, but for our social purposes, it's the chemical of connection.Oxytocin does a lot of things in our body, but for our social purposes, it's the chemical of connection.9:42
  122. The moment you skin to skin touch with someone, you produce this chemical that is the feeling of connection.The moment you skin to skin touch with someone, you produce this chemical that is the feeling of connection.9:48
  123. It makes you feel rapport, it makes you feel trust.It makes you feel rapport, it makes you feel trust.9:53
  124. The reason when we first meet someone we want to touch is we're trying to generate the exact chemical we need for warmth.The reason when we first meet someone we want to touch is we're trying to generate the exact chemical we need for warmth.9:56
  125. So you have a few options when you first meet someone, and I highly recommend picking the one that you are most comfortable with that works in your culture.So you have a few options when you first meet someone, and I highly recommend picking the one that you are most comfortable with that works in your culture.10:03
  126. If you can reach out for a handshake, we typically like one to three pumps with a new person.If you can reach out for a handshake, we typically like one to three pumps with a new person.10:10
  127. You also might reach out for a cheek kiss or a high five.You also might reach out for a cheek kiss or a high five.10:15
  128. Those are also great as long as they're reciprocated.Those are also great as long as they're reciprocated.10:19
  129. And know that the amount of touch increases the amount of oxytocin.And know that the amount of touch increases the amount of oxytocin.10:21
  130. A hug produces more oxytocin than a handshake.A hug produces more oxytocin than a handshake.10:25
  131. A handshake produces more oxytocin than a high five.A handshake produces more oxytocin than a high five.10:28
  132. You pick.You pick.10:30
  133. We talk about the body language.We talk about the body language.10:31
  134. We also have to talk about the tonality.We also have to talk about the tonality.10:33
  135. Here is the biggest mistake people make in a first impression.Here is the biggest mistake people make in a first impression.10:35
  136. They hold their breath and their hello sounds like this.They hold their breath and their hello sounds like this.10:39
  137. Hello.Hello.10:42
  138. All the way up here.All the way up here.10:43
  139. A little bit of Uncle Fry.A little bit of Uncle Fry.10:45
  140. When we hold our breath, especially on that first word, it makes us sound anxious, low competence.When we hold our breath, especially on that first word, it makes us sound anxious, low competence.10:47
  141. I want you to practice what I call a happy hello.I want you to practice what I call a happy hello.10:54
  142. This is saying hello on the outbreath.This is saying hello on the outbreath.10:57
  143. And if you genuinely feel happy to see someone with a smile, so here's the difference.And if you genuinely feel happy to see someone with a smile, so here's the difference.10:59
  144. Nervous hello.Nervous hello.11:03
  145. This is the one I don't want you to do.This is the one I don't want you to do.11:04
  146. Hello.Hello.11:05
  147. Here's the happy hello.Here's the happy hello.11:08
  148. Hello.Hello.11:09
  149. Notice how both sound like me, but one is more in my natural voice tone.Notice how both sound like me, but one is more in my natural voice tone.11:11
  150. I highly recommend before you answer the phone, before you hop on a video call, before you walk into the office, before you walk into a room, before you walkI highly recommend before you answer the phone, before you hop on a video call, before you walk into the office, before you walk into a room, before you walk11:16
  151. on a date, you say hello on the outbreath that immediately relaxes your vocal cords and makes sure you're not accidentally hitting that highest end of your range.on a date, you say hello on the outbreath that immediately relaxes your vocal cords and makes sure you're not accidentally hitting that highest end of your range.11:21
  152. How do we signal competence in just a disarming someone?How do we signal competence in just a disarming someone?11:31
  153. When we can see someone's palm, we know they're not hiding anything from us.When we can see someone's palm, we know they're not hiding anything from us.11:36
  154. It literally shows the intention of, I'm open to you.It literally shows the intention of, I'm open to you.11:40
  155. I could reach out and shake your hands.I could reach out and shake your hands.11:43
  156. I could acknowledge you.I could acknowledge you.11:45
  157. So when you walk on stage, hop on video, walk into a room, I want you to do a palm flash.So when you walk on stage, hop on video, walk into a room, I want you to do a palm flash.11:46
  158. Morning.Morning.11:53
  159. Good to see everyone.Good to see everyone.11:54
  160. Hi, everyone.Hi, everyone.11:55
  161. Or come on over.Or come on over.11:56
  162. Hey, good to see you.Hey, good to see you.11:58
  163. Sit with me.Sit with me.11:59
  164. We love a poem because I think from back from our caveman days, it made us feel like someone wasn't hiding something from us.We love a poem because I think from back from our caveman days, it made us feel like someone wasn't hiding something from us.12:00
  165. See what happens when I put my hands behind my back.See what happens when I put my hands behind my back.12:07
  166. Imagine if I were to teach this entire video, not showing my hands, your brain would begin to get distracted with the fact that you couldn't see my hands.Imagine if I were to teach this entire video, not showing my hands, your brain would begin to get distracted with the fact that you couldn't see my hands.12:10
  167. And that's because when we can't see someone's hands, we worry about their intention.And that's because when we can't see someone's hands, we worry about their intention.12:18
  168. You're like, what are her hands doing back there?You're like, what are her hands doing back there?12:22
  169. And the moment I bring them back out, you're like, ah, I can trust her again.And the moment I bring them back out, you're like, ah, I can trust her again.12:24
  170. You want to have your hands visible the moment someone can first see you.You want to have your hands visible the moment someone can first see you.12:28
  171. So avoid those pockets.So avoid those pockets.12:32
  172. I know they're comfy.I know they're comfy.12:33
  173. Avoid hiding them in a purse or behind a computer or a clipboard.Avoid hiding them in a purse or behind a computer or a clipboard.12:34
  174. Make sure your hands are visible, especially in those first few seconds.Make sure your hands are visible, especially in those first few seconds.12:37
  175. One of my absolute favorite sweet spot cues.One of my absolute favorite sweet spot cues.12:41
  176. It's both warm and competent is gaze.It's both warm and competent is gaze.12:44
  177. Now, the amount of gaze you make varies from culture to culture.Now, the amount of gaze you make varies from culture to culture.12:46
  178. But what we do know is that when humans make eye contact, we also produce oxytocin.But what we do know is that when humans make eye contact, we also produce oxytocin.12:50
  179. So let's say that you can't shake hands with someone or you are in a culture that doesn't touch.So let's say that you can't shake hands with someone or you are in a culture that doesn't touch.12:55
  180. Making eye contact is also a great way to produce that chemical of connection.Making eye contact is also a great way to produce that chemical of connection.12:59
  181. Now, in Western cultures, we like to have eye contact about 60 to 70 % of the time.Now, in Western cultures, we like to have eye contact about 60 to 70 % of the time.13:04
  182. And that means you shouldn't be making 100 % eye contact.And that means you shouldn't be making 100 % eye contact.13:09
  183. It's very natural to think and look away or look around the room or glance away if you're processing something.It's very natural to think and look away or look around the room or glance away if you're processing something.13:13
  184. The key here is that you are making eye contact when you are making an important point and you're waking eye contact when they are making an important point.The key here is that you are making eye contact when you are making an important point and you're waking eye contact when they are making an important point.13:19
  185. Try to hit that 60 to 70 % sweet spot if you can.Try to hit that 60 to 70 % sweet spot if you can.13:27
  186. So let's break down where we are in the interaction so far.So let's break down where we are in the interaction so far.13:31
  187. You've entered into a room or hopped on video.You've entered into a room or hopped on video.13:34
  188. They see you.They see you.13:36
  189. You do a palm flash.You do a palm flash.13:37
  190. Great.Great.13:38
  191. They can trust you.They can trust you.13:39
  192. You're making gaze.You're making gaze.13:40
  193. Maybe you reach out and touch.Maybe you reach out and touch.13:41
  194. High five, handshake, hug.High five, handshake, hug.13:42
  195. The next thing you want to be aware of is fronting.The next thing you want to be aware of is fronting.13:44
  196. Fronting is angling your torso, your toes, your head towards the person you're speaking with.Fronting is angling your torso, your toes, your head towards the person you're speaking with.13:46
  197. We really like to feel like we're on parallel lines with someone.We really like to feel like we're on parallel lines with someone.13:52
  198. So when you're interacting, even if you're in a group, if you can angle your body towards the person that's speaking, it's like a nonverbal sign of respect.So when you're interacting, even if you're in a group, if you can angle your body towards the person that's speaking, it's like a nonverbal sign of respect.13:56
  199. It's literally showing I am physically on the same page as you and therefore we can connect more deeply.It's literally showing I am physically on the same page as you and therefore we can connect more deeply.14:04
  200. Now let me teach you the cue that kills any momentum, any charisma, any warmth, any competence.Now let me teach you the cue that kills any momentum, any charisma, any warmth, any competence.14:10
  201. It's blocking.It's blocking.14:15
  202. Oh, I know.Oh, I know.14:16
  203. I know crossing our arms is so comfortable, but the moment I crossed my arms, I probably came across as more closed -minded to you.I know crossing our arms is so comfortable, but the moment I crossed my arms, I probably came across as more closed -minded to you.14:17
  204. Research even shows that the longer I close my arms, the more closed -minded my own thinking becomes.Research even shows that the longer I close my arms, the more closed -minded my own thinking becomes.14:25
  205. Anti -blocking or opening up your torso, making sure you're not blocking any part of your torso, is a way of signaling I literally want to open up to you.Anti -blocking or opening up your torso, making sure you're not blocking any part of your torso, is a way of signaling I literally want to open up to you.14:31
  206. It also helps your own thinking.It also helps your own thinking.14:41
  207. So try as much as you can, unless it's cold, to make sure that you have your torso open, your arms uncrossed.So try as much as you can, unless it's cold, to make sure that you have your torso open, your arms uncrossed.14:43
  208. Don't hold a book or a coffee mug or a computer or a clipboard in front of your body.Don't hold a book or a coffee mug or a computer or a clipboard in front of your body.14:51
  209. You want to have your torso open because it signals openness to them.You want to have your torso open because it signals openness to them.14:56
  210. Let's talk for a minute about nervousness.Let's talk for a minute about nervousness.15:00
  211. Look, I'm a recovering awkward person and I tend to be a social overthinker, so my nerves can definitely get the best of me.Look, I'm a recovering awkward person and I tend to be a social overthinker, so my nerves can definitely get the best of me.15:03
  212. And here's what I want you to keep in mind.And here's what I want you to keep in mind.15:09
  213. One, you showing up as warm and competent with clear signals of trust and effectiveness is contagious.One, you showing up as warm and competent with clear signals of trust and effectiveness is contagious.15:11
  214. It actually helps other people feel warm and competent too.It actually helps other people feel warm and competent too.15:18
  215. So first, why don't you focus on putting others at ease?So first, why don't you focus on putting others at ease?15:21
  216. That can help your own nervousness.That can help your own nervousness.15:25
  217. But second, this is not about having a perfect first impression.But second, this is not about having a perfect first impression.15:27
  218. There is no such thing.There is no such thing.15:30
  219. This is not about being perfectly charismatic.This is not about being perfectly charismatic.15:32
  220. Again, there is no such thing.Again, there is no such thing.15:34
  221. What we actually want to show is that we are real, we are human.What we actually want to show is that we are real, we are human.15:36
  222. An aspect of warm is vulnerability.An aspect of warm is vulnerability.15:39
  223. If you're feeling nervous or anxious or afraid, you can say that.If you're feeling nervous or anxious or afraid, you can say that.15:42
  224. It's one of the reasons why I say in my first impression, it's literally the opening line of my book, I'm a recovering awkward person.It's one of the reasons why I say in my first impression, it's literally the opening line of my book, I'm a recovering awkward person.15:46
  225. So if you're feeling vulnerable or not your best, it's okay to say that.So if you're feeling vulnerable or not your best, it's okay to say that.15:52
  226. That's an aspect of warmth.That's an aspect of warmth.15:56
  227. Look, I don't want you to overthink these cues.Look, I don't want you to overthink these cues.15:59
  228. In fact, you can start with one at a time.In fact, you can start with one at a time.16:00
  229. And the best way to do this is actually on the phone first.And the best way to do this is actually on the phone first.16:02
  230. I know this sounds crazy, but on the phone, all you have is your voice and your words.I know this sounds crazy, but on the phone, all you have is your voice and your words.16:05
  231. So start with just your happy hello, right?So start with just your happy hello, right?16:09
  232. Practice answering the phone, not hello, just hello.Practice answering the phone, not hello, just hello.16:12
  233. Then move your way to video.Then move your way to video.16:16
  234. Video touches an option.Video touches an option.16:18
  235. So we add gaze, gaze with a camera.So we add gaze, gaze with a camera.16:19
  236. And yes, research shows that we can even produce oxytocin even through a webcam.And yes, research shows that we can even produce oxytocin even through a webcam.16:21
  237. You can also start with a palm flash.You can also start with a palm flash.16:25
  238. So now you have three cues, your happy hello, your palm flash and your gaze.So now you have three cues, your happy hello, your palm flash and your gaze.16:27
  239. Then go to in -person and start low pressure.Then go to in -person and start low pressure.16:31
  240. Your best friends, your family, practice that hug with them, see how it feels, get feedback on your handshake, practice fronting with them as they're speaking.Your best friends, your family, practice that hug with them, see how it feels, get feedback on your handshake, practice fronting with them as they're speaking.16:35
  241. That way we're starting off in low pressure settings from phone, video, in -person, friends first.That way we're starting off in low pressure settings from phone, video, in -person, friends first.16:44
  242. At first, some of these cues might feel a little uncomfortable.At first, some of these cues might feel a little uncomfortable.16:51
  243. It's kind of like retraining your muscle memory.It's kind of like retraining your muscle memory.16:54
  244. But here's the good news is after you've tried a cue a few times and you get the positive feedback of someone opening up to you when you show openness,But here's the good news is after you've tried a cue a few times and you get the positive feedback of someone opening up to you when you show openness,16:57
  245. it will begin to feel like habit.it will begin to feel like habit.17:05
  246. Soon after a couple of times of trying, it will not feel like you even have to think about anti -blocking or think about handshake or think about gaze.Soon after a couple of times of trying, it will not feel like you even have to think about anti -blocking or think about handshake or think about gaze.17:08
  247. Go through those first few times of discomfort of retrying on a cue and trying to activate that muscle memory because it will become natural.Go through those first few times of discomfort of retrying on a cue and trying to activate that muscle memory because it will become natural.17:16
  248. Now there are so many cues to choose from, but these are starter cues.Now there are so many cues to choose from, but these are starter cues.17:25
  249. They're the ones that have the biggest bang for their buck and hopefully will feel natural after you've tried them a couple of times.They're the ones that have the biggest bang for their buck and hopefully will feel natural after you've tried them a couple of times.17:28
  250. But note, if you try a cue five, 10 times and it still doesn't feel natural to you, don't do it.But note, if you try a cue five, 10 times and it still doesn't feel natural to you, don't do it.17:34
  251. I never want you to feel inauthentic.I never want you to feel inauthentic.17:40
  252. In fact, I want you to use cues that feel empowering where you're like, yes, I finally feel like my most confident self.In fact, I want you to use cues that feel empowering where you're like, yes, I finally feel like my most confident self.17:42
  253. If it doesn't feel good to use it after a few tries, it's not for you.If it doesn't feel good to use it after a few tries, it's not for you.17:48
  254. I want to teach you one of the most powerful social skills, observation.I want to teach you one of the most powerful social skills, observation.18:00
  255. This is an intentional learned skill and it's not passive.This is an intentional learned skill and it's not passive.18:05
  256. Observation is about actively reading the room and decoding emotional signals that are being sent to you.Observation is about actively reading the room and decoding emotional signals that are being sent to you.18:09
  257. I think learning how to observe and observe well is like a secret social superpower.I think learning how to observe and observe well is like a secret social superpower.18:15
  258. It helps you see hidden emotions, which then you can spot and untangle, but it also helps you see hidden intention, maybe what something means behind the words.It helps you see hidden emotions, which then you can spot and untangle, but it also helps you see hidden intention, maybe what something means behind the words.18:20
  259. That is such an advantage in social situations, business situations, romantic situations.That is such an advantage in social situations, business situations, romantic situations.18:29
  260. It's a tool that you want to have in your tool belt.It's a tool that you want to have in your tool belt.18:34
  261. If we're going to talk about observation, we have to talk about my three Cs, context, culture and clusters.If we're going to talk about observation, we have to talk about my three Cs, context, culture and clusters.18:36
  262. First, context.First, context.18:43
  263. Cues can mean different things in different settings.Cues can mean different things in different settings.18:45
  264. And the reason why this is important is you always want to give someone the benefit of the context doubt.And the reason why this is important is you always want to give someone the benefit of the context doubt.18:47
  265. For example, let's say that someone seems very tired, very disengaged, very disconnected, and you're worried, is it me?For example, let's say that someone seems very tired, very disengaged, very disconnected, and you're worried, is it me?18:53
  266. Is it something that I said?Is it something that I said?19:01
  267. And then you learn that they just got off a red -eye flight.And then you learn that they just got off a red -eye flight.19:02
  268. That is context you need to know.That is context you need to know.19:05
  269. That discomfort, that disengagement, they're just tired.That discomfort, that disengagement, they're just tired.19:08
  270. It has nothing to do with you.It has nothing to do with you.19:11
  271. And what they need is warmth.And what they need is warmth.19:13
  272. So the first thing you have to do when you're thinking about observation is take in your context.So the first thing you have to do when you're thinking about observation is take in your context.19:15
  273. Where are you both?Where are you both?19:19
  274. Where have they been?Where have they been?19:20
  275. What's their emotional setting?What's their emotional setting?19:22
  276. What's happened before your interaction?What's happened before your interaction?19:24
  277. What's happening during your interaction?What's happening during your interaction?19:25
  278. If you see a negative cue, is there any reason why that negative cue could not be about you?If you see a negative cue, is there any reason why that negative cue could not be about you?19:27
  279. And how can you help?And how can you help?19:32
  280. Second C, culture.Second C, culture.19:34
  281. Many of the cues that we are learning are universal.Many of the cues that we are learning are universal.19:36
  282. For example, when humans make eye contact, they produce oxytocin.For example, when humans make eye contact, they produce oxytocin.19:38
  283. However, the amount of appropriate eye contact varies culture to culture.However, the amount of appropriate eye contact varies culture to culture.19:42
  284. Or touch.Or touch.19:46
  285. When we mutually touch, we produce oxytocin, but the kind of touch varies culture to culture.When we mutually touch, we produce oxytocin, but the kind of touch varies culture to culture.19:47
  286. This means the second thing you should do in observation is take in what your culture is doing.This means the second thing you should do in observation is take in what your culture is doing.19:52
  287. This could be your corporate culture.This could be your corporate culture.19:57
  288. What's the typical accepted greeting in your room, but also your broader culture?What's the typical accepted greeting in your room, but also your broader culture?19:59
  289. I like to mirror and match the culture I'm in.I like to mirror and match the culture I'm in.20:04
  290. So I look around the room, whether that's a company or a place, and I try to say, what is everyone else doing?So I look around the room, whether that's a company or a place, and I try to say, what is everyone else doing?20:07
  291. Do I feel comfortable meeting them where they're at, mirroring and matching their culture?Do I feel comfortable meeting them where they're at, mirroring and matching their culture?20:13
  292. The third most important part of observation is clusters.The third most important part of observation is clusters.20:18
  293. This is insurance.This is insurance.20:21
  294. You never want to interpret one cue alone.You never want to interpret one cue alone.20:24
  295. For example, let's say that you see someone do a nose touch.For example, let's say that you see someone do a nose touch.20:26
  296. Now, some research shows that a nose touch can signal lying.Now, some research shows that a nose touch can signal lying.20:30
  297. Yes, they've actually researched this, that liars tend to touch their nose more often.Yes, they've actually researched this, that liars tend to touch their nose more often.20:33
  298. So you're in a meeting and you see someone nose touch.So you're in a meeting and you see someone nose touch.20:39
  299. You would not want to take that cue alone because what if they're just having a bad allergy day?You would not want to take that cue alone because what if they're just having a bad allergy day?20:41
  300. Now, if you see that nose touch along with other lie detection cues, some shame, some blocking, then you might have a red flag, but you would never want toNow, if you see that nose touch along with other lie detection cues, some shame, some blocking, then you might have a red flag, but you would never want to20:46
  301. take that cue alone.take that cue alone.20:54
  302. In this way, I like to look for clusters of cues, three to five cues to make sure that what you think you're seeing is what you're actually seeing.In this way, I like to look for clusters of cues, three to five cues to make sure that what you think you're seeing is what you're actually seeing.20:56
  303. Never take one cue alone.Never take one cue alone.21:05
  304. Always look for the cues around it.Always look for the cues around it.21:07
  305. The goal here is not to create gotcha moments where you're like, gotcha, I saw a nose touch, gotcha, I saw that you pulled your left ear on that pokerThe goal here is not to create gotcha moments where you're like, gotcha, I saw a nose touch, gotcha, I saw that you pulled your left ear on that poker21:09
  306. play.play.21:17
  307. The goal here is to look at the cluster of behavior and try to find the emotion or the intention behind it.The goal here is to look at the cluster of behavior and try to find the emotion or the intention behind it.21:18
  308. We are looking for behavior patterns.We are looking for behavior patterns.21:24
  309. Is someone showing overall positive cues, cues of warmth and openness?Is someone showing overall positive cues, cues of warmth and openness?21:26
  310. Great.Great.21:30
  311. You can likely trust them.You can likely trust them.21:30
  312. Is someone sending overall negative cues with negative clusters, a lack of warmth, a lack of competence?Is someone sending overall negative cues with negative clusters, a lack of warmth, a lack of competence?21:32
  313. Maybe you want to be careful.Maybe you want to be careful.21:38
  314. Maybe you want to step back.Maybe you want to step back.21:40
  315. Maybe you want to do more research.Maybe you want to do more research.21:41
  316. The goal in observation is to figure out what your next step is, not a gotcha moment.The goal in observation is to figure out what your next step is, not a gotcha moment.21:42
  317. A fun exercise you can try is watching a video on mute.A fun exercise you can try is watching a video on mute.21:48
  318. Bonus points if you can find a meeting that was a little bit tense.Bonus points if you can find a meeting that was a little bit tense.21:51
  319. See what cues you see in their face, in their gestures.See what cues you see in their face, in their gestures.21:54
  320. Are you seeing the negative clusters?Are you seeing the negative clusters?21:58
  321. Then watch it again with the sound, tonality, word choice.Then watch it again with the sound, tonality, word choice.22:00
  322. Does the meaning of those cues change?Does the meaning of those cues change?22:04
  323. As really excellent observers, we need to take in all of the context, all the clusters, and remember, keep in mind the culture that they're in.As really excellent observers, we need to take in all of the context, all the clusters, and remember, keep in mind the culture that they're in.22:06
  324. When we really like someone, we subtly, without even realize it, mirror their different channels of communication.When we really like someone, we subtly, without even realize it, mirror their different channels of communication.22:14
  325. They've even found that when we really like someone, we mirror their vocal tone.They've even found that when we really like someone, we mirror their vocal tone.22:20
  326. See if they are copying or mimicking your non -revol cues.See if they are copying or mimicking your non -revol cues.22:24
  327. That is a great sign that you're on to a great connection.That is a great sign that you're on to a great connection.22:28
  328. Mirroring is actually not an authentic or forced.Mirroring is actually not an authentic or forced.22:31
  329. It's a very natural human instinct.It's a very natural human instinct.22:34
  330. Research found that best friends can even sync up their breathing rate, their heart rate.Research found that best friends can even sync up their breathing rate, their heart rate.22:36
  331. It's a natural human response to really wanting to get on the physiological same page as someone else.It's a natural human response to really wanting to get on the physiological same page as someone else.22:42
  332. You can also think about this in terms of energy.You can also think about this in terms of energy.22:48
  333. So for example, you might have someone where you meet them and they speak a little slower, a little lower.So for example, you might have someone where you meet them and they speak a little slower, a little lower.22:51
  334. They have less expressiveness.They have less expressiveness.22:58
  335. They're more quiet and warm.They're more quiet and warm.23:00
  336. Or you might have someone who's very high energy and they use lots of expressionists and lots of hand gestures and high volume.Or you might have someone who's very high energy and they use lots of expressionists and lots of hand gestures and high volume.23:02
  337. Them mirroring or matching you shows them that they want to get on the same page as you, non -verbally.Them mirroring or matching you shows them that they want to get on the same page as you, non -verbally.23:09
  338. One of my other favorite cues to look for when you're observing is an eyebrow raise.One of my other favorite cues to look for when you're observing is an eyebrow raise.23:15
  339. Now, an eyebrow raise across cultures is a show of interest.Now, an eyebrow raise across cultures is a show of interest.23:19
  340. Think about it this way.Think about it this way.23:23
  341. When you're really interested in something or someone, your eyebrows raise up to literally get out of the way so you can see more and more clearly.When you're really interested in something or someone, your eyebrows raise up to literally get out of the way so you can see more and more clearly.23:24
  342. They found that even infants pay attention to faces when they eyebrow raise.They found that even infants pay attention to faces when they eyebrow raise.23:32
  343. I think this is really important for both business and social settings.I think this is really important for both business and social settings.23:36
  344. In business settings, if you're giving a presentation or you're pitching your boss and he or she raises their eyebrows at a certain point, you know you've just intrigued them.In business settings, if you're giving a presentation or you're pitching your boss and he or she raises their eyebrows at a certain point, you know you've just intrigued them.23:40
  345. Double down on that.Double down on that.23:49
  346. In social or romantic settings, if you say something and someone suddenly raises their eyebrows, that is something that just sparked their curiosity, sparked their interest.In social or romantic settings, if you say something and someone suddenly raises their eyebrows, that is something that just sparked their curiosity, sparked their interest.23:51
  347. Watch for eyebrow raises.Watch for eyebrow raises.23:59
  348. It means you're on the right track.It means you're on the right track.24:01
  349. How do you know if you're having a negative first impression or you're making someone uncomfortable or anxious?How do you know if you're having a negative first impression or you're making someone uncomfortable or anxious?24:03
  350. These are the cues you want to observe.These are the cues you want to observe.24:09
  351. First, shame.First, shame.24:11
  352. The shame cue is a very interesting cue and it looks like this.The shame cue is a very interesting cue and it looks like this.24:13
  353. When someone touches the side of their forehead, either side, it's actually a blocking behavior.When someone touches the side of their forehead, either side, it's actually a blocking behavior.24:16
  354. When we don't like something, we want to block it out.When we don't like something, we want to block it out.24:22
  355. We can do this with our body by crossing our arms.We can do this with our body by crossing our arms.24:25
  356. We can also do this by covering our eyes or our face.We can also do this by covering our eyes or our face.24:27
  357. That's called eye blocking.That's called eye blocking.24:30
  358. So when someone touches the side of their forehead, they're literally trying to say, I don't want to see this.So when someone touches the side of their forehead, they're literally trying to say, I don't want to see this.24:32
  359. This is making me uncomfortable.This is making me uncomfortable.24:38
  360. On prank shows, you always see people go, oh no, and cover their face.On prank shows, you always see people go, oh no, and cover their face.24:40
  361. And that's because they're so embarrassed or ashamed.And that's because they're so embarrassed or ashamed.24:45
  362. Watch out for this cue in conversation.Watch out for this cue in conversation.24:48
  363. If you just made some uncomfortable, they might suddenly eye block.If you just made some uncomfortable, they might suddenly eye block.24:50
  364. Pause right there and try to build rapport.Pause right there and try to build rapport.24:55
  365. Ask, everything okay?Ask, everything okay?24:57
  366. Are we good?Are we good?24:59
  367. Any questions about that?Any questions about that?25:00
  368. Let me circle back.Let me circle back.25:02
  369. Noticing shame is part one, but responding to it is second.Noticing shame is part one, but responding to it is second.25:04
  370. The best gift you can give someone if they're feeling shame is giving them permission to share what is making them feel uncomfortable so you can understand them better.The best gift you can give someone if they're feeling shame is giving them permission to share what is making them feel uncomfortable so you can understand them better.25:08
  371. Another negative cue you want to watch out for is sudden distancing.Another negative cue you want to watch out for is sudden distancing.25:17
  372. So when we like something, we want to get closer to it.So when we like something, we want to get closer to it.25:20
  373. We lean in to smell something better, to hear something better, to get closer to it.We lean in to smell something better, to hear something better, to get closer to it.25:23
  374. The opposite happens when we don't like something.The opposite happens when we don't like something.25:27
  375. We distance ourselves from it.We distance ourselves from it.25:30
  376. This might happen with a sudden lean back.This might happen with a sudden lean back.25:31
  377. It also might happen with a sudden look back.It also might happen with a sudden look back.25:34
  378. It might happen with a head tilt back.It might happen with a head tilt back.25:36
  379. If someone's standing, you will literally see them take a physical step back.If someone's standing, you will literally see them take a physical step back.25:40
  380. This is the body's innate reaction to, I don't like this.This is the body's innate reaction to, I don't like this.25:44
  381. I want to get away from it.I want to get away from it.25:48
  382. I don't want to be associated with it.I don't want to be associated with it.25:49
  383. I want to protect myself from it.I want to protect myself from it.25:51
  384. If you say something and someone suddenly scoots back, steps back, take note.If you say something and someone suddenly scoots back, steps back, take note.25:53
  385. Something you've said has just turned them off and you want to find out exactly what it is.Something you've said has just turned them off and you want to find out exactly what it is.25:58
  386. There's one more negative cue I want you to listen for and it's called the question inflection.There's one more negative cue I want you to listen for and it's called the question inflection.26:03
  387. The question inflection is when you go up at the end of your sentence.The question inflection is when you go up at the end of your sentence.26:08
  388. So instead of a sentence, it sounds like a question.So instead of a sentence, it sounds like a question.26:11
  389. Now there are some people who habitually question inflection.Now there are some people who habitually question inflection.26:14
  390. That's the way they speak.That's the way they speak.26:17
  391. For them, that's their habit and we should try to get them out of it.For them, that's their habit and we should try to get them out of it.26:18
  392. But for someone who is speaking and then suddenly asks, like they're not sure, pay attention.But for someone who is speaking and then suddenly asks, like they're not sure, pay attention.26:21
  393. The question inflection is often a giveaway of not knowing and sometimes deception.The question inflection is often a giveaway of not knowing and sometimes deception.26:28
  394. And intuitively, we actually know this.And intuitively, we actually know this.26:34
  395. Researchers found that when humans hear the question inflection accidentally used on a statement, our brain goes from listening to scrutinizing.Researchers found that when humans hear the question inflection accidentally used on a statement, our brain goes from listening to scrutinizing.26:36
  396. It's as if the brain knows, wait, you're unsure of that.It's as if the brain knows, wait, you're unsure of that.26:45
  397. Should I be unsure of that too?Should I be unsure of that too?26:48
  398. In sales trainings, I hear this all the time where someone asks a number they're unsure of.In sales trainings, I hear this all the time where someone asks a number they're unsure of.26:50
  399. So it sounds like this.So it sounds like this.26:56
  400. We'd love to have your business.We'd love to have your business.26:57
  401. We'd love to work with you.We'd love to work with you.26:59
  402. And the cost of the service is $5 ,000.And the cost of the service is $5 ,000.27:00
  403. If you ask your numbers, you are begging people to negotiate with you.If you ask your numbers, you are begging people to negotiate with you.27:03
  404. And if you hear someone ask a number or ask a boundary or ask a statement, question it.And if you hear someone ask a number or ask a boundary or ask a statement, question it.27:07
  405. Decide why is someone asking me this?Decide why is someone asking me this?27:13
  406. Are they sure about it?Are they sure about it?27:16
  407. This is a great way to protect yourself.This is a great way to protect yourself.27:17
  408. A lot of us instinctively know some of these cues.A lot of us instinctively know some of these cues.27:20
  409. We have an instinct that if someone leans back or steps away from us that they are suddenly disengaged.We have an instinct that if someone leans back or steps away from us that they are suddenly disengaged.27:23
  410. The power of this and why I'm so happy you're here is knowing it gives you permission to take quick action and to be prepared to take that action.The power of this and why I'm so happy you're here is knowing it gives you permission to take quick action and to be prepared to take that action.27:28
  411. If you know that sudden distancing or an oddly placed question inflection could signal that something is off, you know to trust your gut.If you know that sudden distancing or an oddly placed question inflection could signal that something is off, you know to trust your gut.27:38
  412. So often we doubt our instincts.So often we doubt our instincts.27:47
  413. We doubt the red flags that we hear.We doubt the red flags that we hear.27:49
  414. We doubt the alarm bells that are ringing in our head.We doubt the alarm bells that are ringing in our head.27:51
  415. I want you to know, wait, I just saw a cluster, a question inflection, a lean back, and shame.I want you to know, wait, I just saw a cluster, a question inflection, a lean back, and shame.27:54
  416. I'm stopping and I'm taking control to find out what is actually going on.I'm stopping and I'm taking control to find out what is actually going on.27:59
  417. My goal with these cues is to listen to your instincts so you know exactly what to do when they happen.My goal with these cues is to listen to your instincts so you know exactly what to do when they happen.28:03
  418. I know observation takes some practice and I know this better than anyone.I know observation takes some practice and I know this better than anyone.28:09
  419. I used to think that everyone all the time was mad at me.I used to think that everyone all the time was mad at me.28:14
  420. I was often misinterpreting neutral expressions as negative.I was often misinterpreting neutral expressions as negative.28:17
  421. So if this is you or you find you're often misinterpreting, know that you can hone these skills.So if this is you or you find you're often misinterpreting, know that you can hone these skills.28:22
  422. They found that there's a specific part of our brain, it's called the fusiform face area, that is used to identify facial expressions.They found that there's a specific part of our brain, it's called the fusiform face area, that is used to identify facial expressions.28:28
  423. And the more you practice and activate it, the better that part of your brain becomes.And the more you practice and activate it, the better that part of your brain becomes.28:35
  424. So think of observation like a muscle.So think of observation like a muscle.28:39
  425. The more you practice this with the reps, the easier it will be when you don't even have to think about it.The more you practice this with the reps, the easier it will be when you don't even have to think about it.28:42
  426. And your response feels more in control.And your response feels more in control.28:47
  427. Where if you spot a negative cue, it doesn't rattle you.Where if you spot a negative cue, it doesn't rattle you.28:50
  428. You know, I got this, I know what to say, I know what that meant, and it puts you more in control.You know, I got this, I know what to say, I know what that meant, and it puts you more in control.28:53
  429. And the best part of observation is it gives you social confidence.And the best part of observation is it gives you social confidence.28:58
  430. Chapter 3 How to Be Conversationally Present Learning how to become an active listener isn't a nice to have, it's a need to have.Chapter 3 How to Be Conversationally Present Learning how to become an active listener isn't a nice to have, it's a need to have.29:07
  431. Listening is an active physical emotional behavior, not just hearing words.Listening is an active physical emotional behavior, not just hearing words.29:16
  432. The goal is listening to understand, not just listening to reply.The goal is listening to understand, not just listening to reply.29:22
  433. I have kind of a weird way to think about listening, which is, I want you to listen loudly.I have kind of a weird way to think about listening, which is, I want you to listen loudly.29:26
  434. A lot of the time, merely just being present isn't enough.A lot of the time, merely just being present isn't enough.29:33
  435. For someone to truly feel heard, to feel like they can keep opening up, you have to make sure that they hear your listening.For someone to truly feel heard, to feel like they can keep opening up, you have to make sure that they hear your listening.29:37
  436. This means sending clear signals of listening to show them, I am here with you and I want to deeply understand you.This means sending clear signals of listening to show them, I am here with you and I want to deeply understand you.29:44
  437. The other benefit of active listening is it also gives you more intention.The other benefit of active listening is it also gives you more intention.29:51
  438. If we are going in with the intention to listen well, not fake listen, it gives you purpose, which engages you more in the conversation.If we are going in with the intention to listen well, not fake listen, it gives you purpose, which engages you more in the conversation.29:57
  439. I listen for cues, which makes me very engaged but also increases my own presence.I listen for cues, which makes me very engaged but also increases my own presence.30:05
  440. A trick that I play in my own head is sometimes I pretend that I'm about to introduce this person on stage, because it makes me listen to remember.A trick that I play in my own head is sometimes I pretend that I'm about to introduce this person on stage, because it makes me listen to remember.30:11
  441. It makes me listen, one for facts that I want to keep in the back of my head about the person.It makes me listen, one for facts that I want to keep in the back of my head about the person.30:20
  442. But second, it makes me listen and ask questions that are seeking good nuggets, little tidbits that I will want to share to brag and cheer for them.But second, it makes me listen and ask questions that are seeking good nuggets, little tidbits that I will want to share to brag and cheer for them.30:24
  443. Let's talk about how to create a listening presence.Let's talk about how to create a listening presence.30:33
  444. This is listening loudly, listening in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.This is listening loudly, listening in a way that makes the other person feel heard and understood.30:36
  445. My first favorite listening cue is leaning.My first favorite listening cue is leaning.30:41
  446. When we like something, we want to get closer to it.When we like something, we want to get closer to it.30:44
  447. Leaning is kind of like a nonverbal bold or a nonverbal highlighter.Leaning is kind of like a nonverbal bold or a nonverbal highlighter.30:47
  448. When you lean in to someone else as they speak, you're highlighting their words for them.When you lean in to someone else as they speak, you're highlighting their words for them.30:51
  449. You're saying, I like this so much, I want to get closer to it.You're saying, I like this so much, I want to get closer to it.30:56
  450. You can also lean as you speak to nonverbal bold or highlight your important point.You can also lean as you speak to nonverbal bold or highlight your important point.31:00
  451. You can watch for the lean to decode interest or engagement.You can watch for the lean to decode interest or engagement.31:05
  452. You can also encode or show the lean to show someone that you are so interested, you want to lean into them.You can also encode or show the lean to show someone that you are so interested, you want to lean into them.31:09
  453. Next, head behavior is really important for listening.Next, head behavior is really important for listening.31:16
  454. That is because as we're listening, we're probably having a deep discussion and we're very attuned to someone's face and head movement.That is because as we're listening, we're probably having a deep discussion and we're very attuned to someone's face and head movement.31:19
  455. I want to teach you the slow triple nod.I want to teach you the slow triple nod.31:25
  456. The slow triple nod looks like this.The slow triple nod looks like this.31:28
  457. Research has found that when you do a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67 % longer.Research has found that when you do a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67 % longer.31:33
  458. It's kind of like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot.It's kind of like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot.31:39
  459. It's saying, I agree.It's saying, I agree.31:42
  460. Tell me more.Tell me more.31:44
  461. Open up.Open up.31:45
  462. There's a cultural note here.There's a cultural note here.31:46
  463. In India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, nodding means something slightly different.In India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, nodding means something slightly different.31:48
  464. Outside of those cultures, we like a vertical nod to show affirmation.Outside of those cultures, we like a vertical nod to show affirmation.31:52
  465. Now, be careful.Now, be careful.31:57
  466. Please don't nod too much.Please don't nod too much.31:59
  467. Over -nodding is called bobbleheading.Over -nodding is called bobbleheading.32:01
  468. If you are in your meetings over and over again, nodding, nodding, or on your dates, nodding too much, it is actually too high in warmth.If you are in your meetings over and over again, nodding, nodding, or on your dates, nodding too much, it is actually too high in warmth.32:04
  469. It takes away from your competence.It takes away from your competence.32:11
  470. You want to use a nod like a highlighter.You want to use a nod like a highlighter.32:13
  471. You wouldn't highlight the entire page of text or else nothing stands out.You wouldn't highlight the entire page of text or else nothing stands out.32:16
  472. Only use a slow triple nod when you actually want to emphasize agreement or curiosity.Only use a slow triple nod when you actually want to emphasize agreement or curiosity.32:20
  473. One other note on the nod is the speed of your nod.One other note on the nod is the speed of your nod.32:26
  474. Ah, nonverbal cues are so nuanced.Ah, nonverbal cues are so nuanced.32:29
  475. A slow triple nod shows engagement.A slow triple nod shows engagement.32:31
  476. Watch.Watch.32:33
  477. A fast triple nod shows impatience.A fast triple nod shows impatience.32:34
  478. So be careful not to do a fast nod unless you want someone to speed up.So be careful not to do a fast nod unless you want someone to speed up.32:41
  479. What if you nod too much or you want another option for showing listening?What if you nod too much or you want another option for showing listening?32:46
  480. I love the head tilt.I love the head tilt.32:50
  481. So universally, across cultures, when we want to hear something better, we tilt our head to expose our ear.So universally, across cultures, when we want to hear something better, we tilt our head to expose our ear.32:52
  482. As if saying, tell me more.As if saying, tell me more.32:58
  483. We also love when our pets do this.We also love when our pets do this.33:00
  484. It makes us feel like they're listening to us.It makes us feel like they're listening to us.33:02
  485. So if you are on mute on a video call or you're listening to someone and you want to show you are actually listening, you can literally tilt your headSo if you are on mute on a video call or you're listening to someone and you want to show you are actually listening, you can literally tilt your head33:04
  486. to the side to show I'm actively engaged.to the side to show I'm actively engaged.33:11
  487. Research has actually found that if you have bad news to deliver, if you deliver it with a head tilt, it softens the blow.Research has actually found that if you have bad news to deliver, if you deliver it with a head tilt, it softens the blow.33:14
  488. It literally shows, I know this is bad news, but I'm here to listen to your feedback.It literally shows, I know this is bad news, but I'm here to listen to your feedback.33:21
  489. Use the head tilt as often as you can.Use the head tilt as often as you can.33:26
  490. Beware of the chin jut.Beware of the chin jut.33:28
  491. A chin jut is actually a sign of aggression, invasiveness, sort of anger.A chin jut is actually a sign of aggression, invasiveness, sort of anger.33:30
  492. So be careful.So be careful.33:36
  493. If you say something and someone goes, I don't think so.If you say something and someone goes, I don't think so.33:37
  494. You might have just triggered a little bit of anger.You might have just triggered a little bit of anger.33:40
  495. Back up, build some rapport, ask questions.Back up, build some rapport, ask questions.33:42
  496. Also be careful if you wear glasses, don't accidentally do what I lovingly call the judge duty.Also be careful if you wear glasses, don't accidentally do what I lovingly call the judge duty.33:45
  497. That's peering over your glasses at someone.That's peering over your glasses at someone.33:52
  498. It can accidentally come across as judgmental.It can accidentally come across as judgmental.33:54
  499. You're better off taking off your glasses to see someone or looking straight through with that gaze.You're better off taking off your glasses to see someone or looking straight through with that gaze.33:57
  500. There are two big barriers we face with listening.There are two big barriers we face with listening.34:03
  501. First, our body.First, our body.34:06
  502. This all comes down to self soothing gestures or what the fancy scientists like to call pacification gestures.This all comes down to self soothing gestures or what the fancy scientists like to call pacification gestures.34:08
  503. A comfort gesture or a self soothing gesture is when we rub or move or have anxious movement to try to calm ourselves down or pacify ourselves or soothe ourselves.A comfort gesture or a self soothing gesture is when we rub or move or have anxious movement to try to calm ourselves down or pacify ourselves or soothe ourselves.34:15
  504. It's actually a leftover from when we were babies.It's actually a leftover from when we were babies.34:27
  505. When we were babies, we were upset.When we were babies, we were upset.34:29
  506. Our parents often gave us a pacifier.Our parents often gave us a pacifier.34:31
  507. So we sucked on a pacifier or sucked on our thumb, or they would rub our back or rub our head to calm us down.So we sucked on a pacifier or sucked on our thumb, or they would rub our back or rub our head to calm us down.34:33
  508. Still as adults, if we are feeling anxious or nervous, we might rub our own arms or rub the back of our neck or crack our knuckles as if tryingStill as adults, if we are feeling anxious or nervous, we might rub our own arms or rub the back of our neck or crack our knuckles as if trying34:38
  509. to calm ourselves down or pacify our nerves.to calm ourselves down or pacify our nerves.34:47
  510. Here's the problem.Here's the problem.34:51
  511. The research is very clear on this.The research is very clear on this.34:52
  512. Oftentimes, those comfort gestures don't actually calm you down and they are a barrier to listening.Oftentimes, those comfort gestures don't actually calm you down and they are a barrier to listening.34:54
  513. It makes you look nervous, which distracts the other person and also makes them catch the nervousness.It makes you look nervous, which distracts the other person and also makes them catch the nervousness.35:00
  514. Yes, self soothing gestures can be contagious.Yes, self soothing gestures can be contagious.35:07
  515. So in this way, I want you to think about self soothing gestures in two ways.So in this way, I want you to think about self soothing gestures in two ways.35:09
  516. One, if you see someone else self soothing or anxiously rubbing or wringing their hands, take a note that they might be nervous and try to soothe them.One, if you see someone else self soothing or anxiously rubbing or wringing their hands, take a note that they might be nervous and try to soothe them.35:13
  517. Tell them they're good.Tell them they're good.35:23
  518. They can trust you.They can trust you.35:24
  519. They can open up to you.They can open up to you.35:25
  520. Go into more poor building behavior to help them feel more comfortable.Go into more poor building behavior to help them feel more comfortable.35:26
  521. Second, if you notice yourself doing those comfort gestures, you might try a displacement tactic.Second, if you notice yourself doing those comfort gestures, you might try a displacement tactic.35:31
  522. I always hated it when someone told me to stop fidgeting because it's almost impossible to just stop fidgeting.I always hated it when someone told me to stop fidgeting because it's almost impossible to just stop fidgeting.35:38
  523. Instead, I want you to displace the anxiety.Instead, I want you to displace the anxiety.35:43
  524. Displacement tactics are when you replace the comfort gesture with an anchoring behavior.Displacement tactics are when you replace the comfort gesture with an anchoring behavior.35:47
  525. So this could be pinching your thumb and your forefinger together.So this could be pinching your thumb and your forefinger together.35:51
  526. That kind of activation puts all of your anxious energy into that and that's not very visible.That kind of activation puts all of your anxious energy into that and that's not very visible.35:56
  527. Only you can feel it.Only you can feel it.36:01
  528. Or it could be having a coffee mug or a clicker or a pen that you hold and you grip it to try to displace that anxiety into the penOr it could be having a coffee mug or a clicker or a pen that you hold and you grip it to try to displace that anxiety into the pen36:03
  529. or the mug or whatever you're holding.or the mug or whatever you're holding.36:11
  530. Now, context is very important here.Now, context is very important here.36:13
  531. Self soothing gestures often mean nervousness, but in romantic settings, some self soothing gestures can be flirtation.Self soothing gestures often mean nervousness, but in romantic settings, some self soothing gestures can be flirtation.36:17
  532. For example, if someone is giving a big presentation and fiddling with their hair or touching their earring, that could be a cluster with other anxiety cues.For example, if someone is giving a big presentation and fiddling with their hair or touching their earring, that could be a cluster with other anxiety cues.36:25
  533. But if you're on a date with someone and someone is tucking their hair behind their ear or playing with their jewelry, it could be a preening gesture and preeningBut if you're on a date with someone and someone is tucking their hair behind their ear or playing with their jewelry, it could be a preening gesture and preening36:34
  534. self touch is a sign of flirtation.self touch is a sign of flirtation.36:43
  535. Always look for context and clusters.Always look for context and clusters.36:45
  536. The second barrier to listening is in our face.The second barrier to listening is in our face.36:49
  537. Our face shows so much of our emotion.Our face shows so much of our emotion.36:53
  538. And one thing I want you to be aware of is what I call resting bothered face or RBF.And one thing I want you to be aware of is what I call resting bothered face or RBF.36:56
  539. Resting bothered face is what your face looks while you are listening.Resting bothered face is what your face looks while you are listening.37:02
  540. Some of us have facial expressions or a face at rest that looks tired or sad or angry.Some of us have facial expressions or a face at rest that looks tired or sad or angry.37:06
  541. Even when you don't feel tired or sad or angry.Even when you don't feel tired or sad or angry.37:13
  542. For example, people always ask me, are you okay?For example, people always ask me, are you okay?37:16
  543. Even when I'm just listening.Even when I'm just listening.37:19
  544. And that's because my mouth tends to have a downward inflection.And that's because my mouth tends to have a downward inflection.37:20
  545. So if I have my mouth at rest, it actually is an upside down you.So if I have my mouth at rest, it actually is an upside down you.37:23
  546. This is part of a micro expression of sadness.This is part of a micro expression of sadness.37:29
  547. All this comes down to the universal facial expressions.All this comes down to the universal facial expressions.37:32
  548. Now research is very interesting on universal facial expressions.Now research is very interesting on universal facial expressions.37:36
  549. The jury is still out on how much of our expressions are universal.The jury is still out on how much of our expressions are universal.37:39
  550. But what we do know is that there are certain reactions we have different emotions.But what we do know is that there are certain reactions we have different emotions.37:43
  551. When we're surprised, we tend to widen and open our face.When we're surprised, we tend to widen and open our face.37:47
  552. When we're angry, we tend to harden our lower lids and press our lips together into a hard line.When we're angry, we tend to harden our lower lids and press our lips together into a hard line.37:50
  553. When we're afraid, we tend to widen our eyes and take a deep breath.When we're afraid, we tend to widen our eyes and take a deep breath.37:55
  554. If your face at rest looks like a negative emotion, people will assume that you are listening with that negative emotion.If your face at rest looks like a negative emotion, people will assume that you are listening with that negative emotion.38:00
  555. You want to be aware of what your face looks like at rest.You want to be aware of what your face looks like at rest.38:06
  556. So what I highly recommend is next time you're on a video call, take a look at your face, relax it and see, do you activate any part of yourSo what I highly recommend is next time you're on a video call, take a look at your face, relax it and see, do you activate any part of your38:09
  557. face?face?38:18
  558. Are your corners of your mouth pointed down?Are your corners of your mouth pointed down?38:19
  559. Are you accidentally activating those two vertical lines between your eyebrow?Are you accidentally activating those two vertical lines between your eyebrow?38:22
  560. Are you widening your eyes and listening with a little bit of fear eyes?Are you widening your eyes and listening with a little bit of fear eyes?38:26
  561. This is what's accidentally coming across and you're listening.This is what's accidentally coming across and you're listening.38:30
  562. It's very hard to fix our resting face, but we can be aware of it.It's very hard to fix our resting face, but we can be aware of it.38:33
  563. For example, I know that people tend to think that I'm sad even when I'm not.For example, I know that people tend to think that I'm sad even when I'm not.38:37
  564. So I use extra warmth cues, especially that first impression.So I use extra warmth cues, especially that first impression.38:41
  565. I say, oh, I'm so happy to be here.I say, oh, I'm so happy to be here.38:44
  566. I've been so looking forward to this.I've been so looking forward to this.38:46
  567. What a pleasure to finally meet you.What a pleasure to finally meet you.38:48
  568. Those verbal warmth cues counteract my resting face so they know that I'm not actually sad.Those verbal warmth cues counteract my resting face so they know that I'm not actually sad.38:50
  569. I know these comfort gestures can be very hard habits to break.I know these comfort gestures can be very hard habits to break.38:56
  570. We've literally been doing them our whole lives and we don't realize they're taking away from our charisma.We've literally been doing them our whole lives and we don't realize they're taking away from our charisma.39:00
  571. So a couple other tips for you.So a couple other tips for you.39:04
  572. If you're a swear or a pacer, you can try to lean in to ground yourself or lean back.If you're a swear or a pacer, you can try to lean in to ground yourself or lean back.39:06
  573. I also will sometimes pace the stage.I also will sometimes pace the stage.39:13
  574. So sometimes I'll ask for a high bar table or a podium to lean my elbow on to anchor me.So sometimes I'll ask for a high bar table or a podium to lean my elbow on to anchor me.39:15
  575. So look for anchors in your environment.So look for anchors in your environment.39:21
  576. Can you lean in or lean forward to lean on a desk?Can you lean in or lean forward to lean on a desk?39:23
  577. Can you lean to the side on a podium or a table that can anchor your comfort gestures?Can you lean to the side on a podium or a table that can anchor your comfort gestures?39:26
  578. And don't forget you can set yourself up for success.And don't forget you can set yourself up for success.39:32
  579. Wear clothing or jewelry have hairstyles that don't require comfort gestures.Wear clothing or jewelry have hairstyles that don't require comfort gestures.39:35
  580. For example, I have a haircut that stays pretty still because I have the tendency to touch my hair.For example, I have a haircut that stays pretty still because I have the tendency to touch my hair.39:40
  581. I am also very careful with the jewelry and the earrings that I wear to make sure that they're not making noise and not tempted to adjust them.I am also very careful with the jewelry and the earrings that I wear to make sure that they're not making noise and not tempted to adjust them.39:46
  582. I also try not to wear outfits with pockets because I had the tendency to use a comfort gesture of putting my hands in my pockets.I also try not to wear outfits with pockets because I had the tendency to use a comfort gesture of putting my hands in my pockets.39:53
  583. Set yourself up for success with knowing what you're wearing and how you're accessorizing yourself to try to make sure you're not too tempted to comfort gesture with what you'reSet yourself up for success with knowing what you're wearing and how you're accessorizing yourself to try to make sure you're not too tempted to comfort gesture with what you're40:00
  584. wearing.wearing.40:08
  585. I think there are two mental hacks when it comes to active listening.I think there are two mental hacks when it comes to active listening.40:10
  586. The first, as we've been talking about, is our nonverbal cues, watching theirs, responding with ours.The first, as we've been talking about, is our nonverbal cues, watching theirs, responding with ours.40:14
  587. But the second is your mindset.But the second is your mindset.40:19
  588. Is your mindset to build a connection with this person?Is your mindset to build a connection with this person?40:21
  589. If you're listening for verbal cues, answer is that you can bring up again, you're listening to remember.If you're listening for verbal cues, answer is that you can bring up again, you're listening to remember.40:24
  590. I find if I'm bored or if I'm disengaged, it means I'm not listening to try to remember for my future conversations.I find if I'm bored or if I'm disengaged, it means I'm not listening to try to remember for my future conversations.40:31
  591. While you're listening to someone, think, what could I bring up that's going to light them up next time I talk to them?While you're listening to someone, think, what could I bring up that's going to light them up next time I talk to them?40:38
  592. What could I check in with them about over text or over email?What could I check in with them about over text or over email?40:43
  593. What could I ask them about next time we see each other?What could I ask them about next time we see each other?40:47
  594. Anything that's lighting them up, where they have a lot of positive clusters, that's what you want to bring up next time.Anything that's lighting them up, where they have a lot of positive clusters, that's what you want to bring up next time.40:50
  595. And that listening to remember will make you an active listener.And that listening to remember will make you an active listener.40:56
  596. You know, I love the old adage, you have one mouth and two ears, so you should listen twice as much as you talk.You know, I love the old adage, you have one mouth and two ears, so you should listen twice as much as you talk.41:00
  597. But there are good opportunities to talk.But there are good opportunities to talk.41:07
  598. And I think those are called capitalization.And I think those are called capitalization.41:09
  599. Capitalization is when you take what someone else is saying and you capitalize it or make it bigger.Capitalization is when you take what someone else is saying and you capitalize it or make it bigger.41:12
  600. So if someone is sharing a story about hope, and you have something to add to that to make it bigger or better and contribute to their story, say it.So if someone is sharing a story about hope, and you have something to add to that to make it bigger or better and contribute to their story, say it.41:17
  601. If they're talking about something that makes them sad or upset, and you have something that could help them with that sadness or that upset, say it.If they're talking about something that makes them sad or upset, and you have something that could help them with that sadness or that upset, say it.41:25
  602. Your goal is to capitalize on the emotion that they are trying to give you, that showing them not only am I listening to you, I actually want to beYour goal is to capitalize on the emotion that they are trying to give you, that showing them not only am I listening to you, I actually want to be41:32
  603. additive.additive.41:39
  604. I want to make it bigger, I want to make it better.I want to make it bigger, I want to make it better.41:40
  605. And that's the perfect way to gauge how much you should say back.And that's the perfect way to gauge how much you should say back.41:42
  606. The biggest warning sign that listening is going off track is if they are not asking you questions back.The biggest warning sign that listening is going off track is if they are not asking you questions back.41:47
  607. If you're saying something and they're trying to jump in with what they say or they aren't asking follow -up questions, it might mean that you're misaligned.If you're saying something and they're trying to jump in with what they say or they aren't asking follow -up questions, it might mean that you're misaligned.41:53
  608. I would take more time to listen and try to attune to what they are trying to say until they start asking you questions back.I would take more time to listen and try to attune to what they are trying to say until they start asking you questions back.41:59
  609. My favorite question is, what do you think about that?My favorite question is, what do you think about that?42:06
  610. If they start asking for your opinion, you know it's your good turn to speak.If they start asking for your opinion, you know it's your good turn to speak.42:09
  611. Now let's say you're talking and they never ask you a question back, even though you are actively listening.Now let's say you're talking and they never ask you a question back, even though you are actively listening.42:13
  612. This is called a conversational narcissist.This is called a conversational narcissist.42:18
  613. It's someone who loves to hear themselves talk and doesn't care what you have to say.It's someone who loves to hear themselves talk and doesn't care what you have to say.42:21
  614. That's a sign that this might not be your person.That's a sign that this might not be your person.42:25
  615. Chapter 4 The Psychology of Power and Engagement One of the most important aspects of connection is how to show up with power as well as engagement.Chapter 4 The Psychology of Power and Engagement One of the most important aspects of connection is how to show up with power as well as engagement.42:33
  616. If we have power and confidence in our message, but also we know how to engage someone with it, we have the ultimate social skill.If we have power and confidence in our message, but also we know how to engage someone with it, we have the ultimate social skill.42:44
  617. All of my students are smart and talented, but for some reason they are overlooked or underestimated or interrupted.All of my students are smart and talented, but for some reason they are overlooked or underestimated or interrupted.42:51
  618. My big goal for them is that they have power.My big goal for them is that they have power.43:00
  619. They have confidence in their ideas.They have confidence in their ideas.43:03
  620. They're just not sure how to show it.They're just not sure how to show it.43:05
  621. My goal is to teach you how to use showcase and speak about your authentic smarts, your authentic talent with power so people listen and how do you make sureMy goal is to teach you how to use showcase and speak about your authentic smarts, your authentic talent with power so people listen and how do you make sure43:07
  622. you engage someone so they're hearing the words you say without you having to be loud.you engage someone so they're hearing the words you say without you having to be loud.43:17
  623. I am assuming that you have authentic competence that you feel confident in what you're saying.I am assuming that you have authentic competence that you feel confident in what you're saying.43:21
  624. If you learn these cues and you feel inauthentic as you deliver them, if you don't actually feel confident in your material, please go get confident first.If you learn these cues and you feel inauthentic as you deliver them, if you don't actually feel confident in your material, please go get confident first.43:28
  625. Read up, practice, do your preparation and then use these cues to deliver it.Read up, practice, do your preparation and then use these cues to deliver it.43:37
  626. You cannot fake confidence for very long.You cannot fake confidence for very long.43:42
  627. People will find you out.People will find you out.43:45
  628. So, step one, make sure you're prepared, make sure you actually have genuine authentic confidence and two, use these cues to deliver your message.So, step one, make sure you're prepared, make sure you actually have genuine authentic confidence and two, use these cues to deliver your message.43:47
  629. Anytime you're sharing your idea or a boundary or a perspective, I want to make sure you are delivering it with confidence and power.Anytime you're sharing your idea or a boundary or a perspective, I want to make sure you are delivering it with confidence and power.43:56
  630. For example, maybe you have to deliver constructive criticism.For example, maybe you have to deliver constructive criticism.44:05
  631. Maybe you have to set a boundary.Maybe you have to set a boundary.44:08
  632. Maybe you have to negotiate for your salary.Maybe you have to negotiate for your salary.44:10
  633. Maybe you're in an interview.Maybe you're in an interview.44:12
  634. Maybe you have to deliver bad news to a client.Maybe you have to deliver bad news to a client.44:13
  635. Maybe you have to tell your kids a new rule in the house.Maybe you have to tell your kids a new rule in the house.44:16
  636. All of these should be delivered with power and competence.All of these should be delivered with power and competence.44:18
  637. Otherwise, they will not be heard.Otherwise, they will not be heard.44:22
  638. We like to be around people who are clear and confident in their message.We like to be around people who are clear and confident in their message.44:24
  639. Remember, confidence is contagious.Remember, confidence is contagious.44:29
  640. The reason we like to be around people who know their stuff is we want to catch their confidence.The reason we like to be around people who know their stuff is we want to catch their confidence.44:31
  641. So, you delivering your message with power and authenticity makes people feel like, yes, I can trust and rely on this person.So, you delivering your message with power and authenticity makes people feel like, yes, I can trust and rely on this person.44:36
  642. I want to teach you my favorite power cues.I want to teach you my favorite power cues.44:44
  643. So power cues are the nonverbal, vocal, and tonal signals that powerful people use to signal, you should listen to me.So power cues are the nonverbal, vocal, and tonal signals that powerful people use to signal, you should listen to me.44:46
  644. You should listen to this.You should listen to this.44:55
  645. The first power cue you might not think about, but it's our volume.The first power cue you might not think about, but it's our volume.44:57
  646. Powerful people are very in control of how they are delivering their message and volume signals control.Powerful people are very in control of how they are delivering their message and volume signals control.45:01
  647. When you're into something or excited about something, you can use a higher volume.When you're into something or excited about something, you can use a higher volume.45:09
  648. We love people who deliver in an excited, powerful volume.We love people who deliver in an excited, powerful volume.45:13
  649. But if you're sharing something more private, more personal, if you want people to lean in, you can actually use a lower volume.But if you're sharing something more private, more personal, if you want people to lean in, you can actually use a lower volume.45:17
  650. We like a dynamic volume.We like a dynamic volume.45:25
  651. We like people who vary between the two, especially because sometimes we are excited about something, but sometimes we want to share something a little more private and personal.We like people who vary between the two, especially because sometimes we are excited about something, but sometimes we want to share something a little more private and personal.45:28
  652. Get control of your volume and be purposeful with it.Get control of your volume and be purposeful with it.45:37
  653. If you have a powerful idea or a boundary or you want to share a story, think about where am I excited and passionate, high volume, and where do IIf you have a powerful idea or a boundary or you want to share a story, think about where am I excited and passionate, high volume, and where do I45:41
  654. want to bring people in?want to bring people in?45:49
  655. Where do I want to keep something more covert, more private?Where do I want to keep something more covert, more private?45:50
  656. Lower your volume.Lower your volume.45:53
  657. You being control of how you deliver.You being control of how you deliver.45:55
  658. What do powerful, confident people look like?What do powerful, confident people look like?45:57
  659. They look like winners.They look like winners.46:00
  660. Researchers from the University of British Columbia studied athletes across cultures, and they found that around the world, winning athletes make the same posture.Researchers from the University of British Columbia studied athletes across cultures, and they found that around the world, winning athletes make the same posture.46:02
  661. They take up space.They take up space.46:11
  662. They typically tilt their head towards the sky.They typically tilt their head towards the sky.46:12
  663. They have lots of space between their arms and their torso.They have lots of space between their arms and their torso.46:15
  664. They typically roll their shoulders down and back.They typically roll their shoulders down and back.46:18
  665. This is a signal of wanting to take up space.This is a signal of wanting to take up space.46:21
  666. When we feel pride, we want to claim our space.When we feel pride, we want to claim our space.46:24
  667. We want to be noticed.We want to be noticed.46:26
  668. We are open to the world.We are open to the world.46:27
  669. We see this as winning posture, as expansive posture.We see this as winning posture, as expansive posture.46:29
  670. And there are a couple of weird measurements I want you to think about here.And there are a couple of weird measurements I want you to think about here.46:33
  671. First is the distance between your ear and your shoulder.First is the distance between your ear and your shoulder.46:36
  672. I know, it's a weird one.I know, it's a weird one.46:40
  673. But watch this.But watch this.46:41
  674. If I were to deliver this entire video with very little space between my ears and my shoulder, you would see me as lacking confidence.If I were to deliver this entire video with very little space between my ears and my shoulder, you would see me as lacking confidence.46:43
  675. It would even be hard for me to deliver my message with volume.It would even be hard for me to deliver my message with volume.46:51
  676. And the moment I roll my shoulders down, the more confident I look.And the moment I roll my shoulders down, the more confident I look.46:55
  677. And that's because I'm not trying to protect my neck.And that's because I'm not trying to protect my neck.46:58
  678. I want you to try to maximize distance between your ear and your shoulder, especially on video calls, especially when someone can only see the top half of your body.I want you to try to maximize distance between your ear and your shoulder, especially on video calls, especially when someone can only see the top half of your body.47:01
  679. Also, check your profile pictures.Also, check your profile pictures.47:10
  680. Make sure you're not accidentally doing this or this.Make sure you're not accidentally doing this or this.47:13
  681. It signals low confidence.It signals low confidence.47:16
  682. The other distance I want you to think about is the distance between your torso and your arm.The other distance I want you to think about is the distance between your torso and your arm.47:18
  683. People who are confident, they use a lot of gesture.People who are confident, they use a lot of gesture.47:24
  684. They use a lot of space.They use a lot of space.47:26
  685. They're okay claiming their space.They're okay claiming their space.47:27
  686. If we tuck our arms to our sides and tightly pin them to our sides, it shows we're trying to protect our trunk.If we tuck our arms to our sides and tightly pin them to our sides, it shows we're trying to protect our trunk.47:29
  687. And that signals low confidence.And that signals low confidence.47:35
  688. Dr.Dr.47:38
  689. Susan Goldwimedo also found that our gestures increase comprehension and fluency.Susan Goldwimedo also found that our gestures increase comprehension and fluency.47:38
  690. Meaning, if I use gestures as I'm speaking, so let's say I'm talking about a very big idea, and I show big, that helps you, the listener, see how bigMeaning, if I use gestures as I'm speaking, so let's say I'm talking about a very big idea, and I show big, that helps you, the listener, see how big47:44
  691. it is.it is.47:52
  692. But it also helps me, the speaker, feel how big it is.But it also helps me, the speaker, feel how big it is.47:53
  693. Gestures create a power loop.Gestures create a power loop.47:56
  694. If you really know what you're saying, you can speak on two tracks.If you really know what you're saying, you can speak on two tracks.47:59
  695. You can speak with your words.You can speak with your words.48:03
  696. You could also speak with your hands.You could also speak with your hands.48:04
  697. So powerful confidence in people are showing, I know my stuff so well, that I can explain it verbally, but I can also explain it nonverbally.So powerful confidence in people are showing, I know my stuff so well, that I can explain it verbally, but I can also explain it nonverbally.48:06
  698. Now I have a note here.Now I have a note here.48:14
  699. I love explanatory gestures, but I don't like interpretive dance.I love explanatory gestures, but I don't like interpretive dance.48:15
  700. Use gestures like an emphasis or a bold.Use gestures like an emphasis or a bold.48:20
  701. If you have a really small idea, it's no big deal, say that it's small.If you have a really small idea, it's no big deal, say that it's small.48:23
  702. If you have three different things you want to say, point to all three.If you have three different things you want to say, point to all three.48:27
  703. Don't think of it like interpretive dance, where every word has to have a gesture.Don't think of it like interpretive dance, where every word has to have a gesture.48:31
  704. Instead, think of your gestures as emphasizing an idea that you want someone to remember.Instead, think of your gestures as emphasizing an idea that you want someone to remember.48:35
  705. The last one is the hardest, and I'm guilty.The last one is the hardest, and I'm guilty.48:40
  706. I don't do it very well, which is pausing.I don't do it very well, which is pausing.48:43
  707. When we're nervous, we tend to speed up our rate of speech.When we're nervous, we tend to speed up our rate of speech.48:46
  708. Confident power people, they're okay pausing.Confident power people, they're okay pausing.48:50
  709. If they're running out of breath, fill pause mid -sentence and take a breath.If they're running out of breath, fill pause mid -sentence and take a breath.48:54
  710. Try adding breaths or pauses into your speech.Try adding breaths or pauses into your speech.48:59
  711. Try not to speed up when you're nervous, especially when you're explaining an important point.Try not to speed up when you're nervous, especially when you're explaining an important point.49:03
  712. Your important point might be hard for someone to digest.Your important point might be hard for someone to digest.49:08
  713. The slower you explain your point, the easier it is for someone to digest.The slower you explain your point, the easier it is for someone to digest.49:11
  714. If you find yourself using filler words like um, so, you know, it's probably your brain's need to try to take a moment to catch up with its own thoughts.If you find yourself using filler words like um, so, you know, it's probably your brain's need to try to take a moment to catch up with its own thoughts.49:15
  715. This is your opportunity to take a pause.This is your opportunity to take a pause.49:27
  716. Replace filler words with a breathing pause.Replace filler words with a breathing pause.49:30
  717. I say a breathing pause because pausing and holding your breath is only going to make you look nervous.I say a breathing pause because pausing and holding your breath is only going to make you look nervous.49:33
  718. Versus pausing and taking a short breath actually gives you energy back and helps you speak with more vocal power.Versus pausing and taking a short breath actually gives you energy back and helps you speak with more vocal power.49:40
  719. Replace those filler words with breathing pauses.Replace those filler words with breathing pauses.49:47
  720. Being assertive is not enough.Being assertive is not enough.49:50
  721. We also have to be engaging, and the way we do this is fighting the desire to be robotic, monotone, and automatic.We also have to be engaging, and the way we do this is fighting the desire to be robotic, monotone, and automatic.49:52
  722. And this is a mistake that smart people make.And this is a mistake that smart people make.50:01
  723. Smart people often know their stuff so well.Smart people often know their stuff so well.50:04
  724. They've said it so many times they deliver it in a really monotone way as if they're bored with their own content, because they've said it so many times thatThey've said it so many times they deliver it in a really monotone way as if they're bored with their own content, because they've said it so many times that50:07
  725. it just seems obvious.it just seems obvious.50:14
  726. It is critical for you, even if you know your own stuff, even if you've said it a million times before, to add vocal dynamism.It is critical for you, even if you know your own stuff, even if you've said it a million times before, to add vocal dynamism.50:16
  727. I want you to add vocal charisma.I want you to add vocal charisma.50:25
  728. This is when you say some things really fast and excited, but some things a little slower, a little more mystery.This is when you say some things really fast and excited, but some things a little slower, a little more mystery.50:28
  729. You could even share data in different ways.You could even share data in different ways.50:35
  730. I could say the single biggest number that you should know is, or I could say the single biggest number that you need to know is.I could say the single biggest number that you should know is, or I could say the single biggest number that you need to know is.50:38
  731. Each way, you're adding a little bit more interesting vocal variety to listening, and that is super engaging for anyone who's listening to you.Each way, you're adding a little bit more interesting vocal variety to listening, and that is super engaging for anyone who's listening to you.50:48
  732. Engagement is all about creating meaningful two -way interactions, and I like to think of engagement as you are taking the burden as the speaker of making your information, yourEngagement is all about creating meaningful two -way interactions, and I like to think of engagement as you are taking the burden as the speaker of making your information, your50:58
  733. content, your idea easy to listen to.content, your idea easy to listen to.51:10
  734. Being engaging is a gift to your listener.Being engaging is a gift to your listener.51:13
  735. You're saying, I'm going to make this so interesting.You're saying, I'm going to make this so interesting.51:15
  736. I'm going to deliver it so well that it's easy for you to listen to it, adopt it, and remember it.I'm going to deliver it so well that it's easy for you to listen to it, adopt it, and remember it.51:18
  737. As humans, we are always listening for confidence.As humans, we are always listening for confidence.51:23
  738. We don't want to listen to people who don't feel confident in their own ideas.We don't want to listen to people who don't feel confident in their own ideas.51:27
  739. A lack of confidence can sound like vocal shakiness or vocal fry.A lack of confidence can sound like vocal shakiness or vocal fry.51:31
  740. When we are not confident in our ideas, when we're anxious, we lose breath, we lose volume, and then what happens is our voice might get a little bit shakyWhen we are not confident in our ideas, when we're anxious, we lose breath, we lose volume, and then what happens is our voice might get a little bit shaky51:37
  741. or a little bit creaky, or we have what's called vocal fry, where it sounds like bacon sizzling in a pan.or a little bit creaky, or we have what's called vocal fry, where it sounds like bacon sizzling in a pan.51:46
  742. All vocal fry is, is a lack of air moving through your airways.All vocal fry is, is a lack of air moving through your airways.51:55
  743. So when you are speaking, you want to make sure you have enough breath.So when you are speaking, you want to make sure you have enough breath.52:00
  744. Breath gives you volume.Breath gives you volume.52:04
  745. It helps push air through your vocal cords so you deliver it in a steady, constant way.It helps push air through your vocal cords so you deliver it in a steady, constant way.52:06
  746. Anytime you hear yourself go a little bit higher in that wavery voice, take a deep breath and speak on the out breath.Anytime you hear yourself go a little bit higher in that wavery voice, take a deep breath and speak on the out breath.52:12
  747. Anytime you hear yourself go into vocal fry, take a deep breath and speak just a little bit louder.Anytime you hear yourself go into vocal fry, take a deep breath and speak just a little bit louder.52:19
  748. I've worked with a lot of TED speakers and TED speakers are brilliant.I've worked with a lot of TED speakers and TED speakers are brilliant.52:27
  749. They have great ideas, they've been offered the chance of a lifetime sharing their big idea on stage, and the number one mistake they make is they rehearse out allThey have great ideas, they've been offered the chance of a lifetime sharing their big idea on stage, and the number one mistake they make is they rehearse out all52:31
  750. emotion.emotion.52:41
  751. They've scripted the perfect talk, they have their big idea, they have their great slides, and they've practiced it over and over again in the mirror.They've scripted the perfect talk, they have their big idea, they have their great slides, and they've practiced it over and over again in the mirror.52:42
  752. And they forget how they actually felt when they discovered that big idea.And they forget how they actually felt when they discovered that big idea.52:49
  753. They forget how they feel when they're going to help someone or deliver their big idea.They forget how they feel when they're going to help someone or deliver their big idea.52:54
  754. Don't rehearse emotion out of your ideas.Don't rehearse emotion out of your ideas.52:59
  755. If you're excited and happy about something, sound and look excited and happy.If you're excited and happy about something, sound and look excited and happy.53:02
  756. If you're sad or devastated about something, show how sad and devastated you are about that thing.If you're sad or devastated about something, show how sad and devastated you are about that thing.53:07
  757. Don't forget to add back your original emotion.Don't forget to add back your original emotion.53:16
  758. Emotions are the condiment of speeches.Emotions are the condiment of speeches.53:20
  759. They add flavor, they add spice.They add flavor, they add spice.53:22
  760. Share stories that authentically bring out your emotion because that's going to help your listener remember you and remember your idea.Share stories that authentically bring out your emotion because that's going to help your listener remember you and remember your idea.53:25
  761. What if you're nervous?What if you're nervous?53:33
  762. What if you're like, Vanessa, I really want to sound vocally confident, I really want to share emotion, but I'm afraid.What if you're like, Vanessa, I really want to sound vocally confident, I really want to share emotion, but I'm afraid.53:35
  763. I have an answer for you.I have an answer for you.53:42
  764. Channel your most charismatic role model.Channel your most charismatic role model.53:44
  765. They actually asked students to do this in a research experiment.They actually asked students to do this in a research experiment.53:48
  766. They asked them to channel a charismatic speaker and get on stage and deliver a talk.They asked them to channel a charismatic speaker and get on stage and deliver a talk.53:50
  767. They found the students who were asked to channel someone else were able to tap into their own power, their own confidence.They found the students who were asked to channel someone else were able to tap into their own power, their own confidence.53:55
  768. So think about the most charismatic person you know, your role model.So think about the most charismatic person you know, your role model.54:03
  769. How would they share this idea?How would they share this idea?54:06
  770. How would they cheer you on?How would they cheer you on?54:09
  771. It's okay to channel their emotion as yours.It's okay to channel their emotion as yours.54:10
  772. The last finishing touch on your charisma, on your presence, on your power, on your engagement are the ornaments you wear, the ornaments on your desk, the ornaments you holdThe last finishing touch on your charisma, on your presence, on your power, on your engagement are the ornaments you wear, the ornaments on your desk, the ornaments you hold54:14
  773. in your profile pictures or in your backgrounds.in your profile pictures or in your backgrounds.54:24
  774. I want you to be purposeful with your ornaments and think about what does someone think about when they see that ornament?I want you to be purposeful with your ornaments and think about what does someone think about when they see that ornament?54:27
  775. You can almost think of them as props.You can almost think of them as props.54:34
  776. So for example, if you want to signal high power or high competence, you could show your degrees behind you or you could hold your diploma or you could haveSo for example, if you want to signal high power or high competence, you could show your degrees behind you or you could hold your diploma or you could have54:36
  777. a profile picture showing your certification.a profile picture showing your certification.54:45
  778. If you want to come across as more warm, more approachable, you could have pictures on your desk of your family, of your friends, of your pets, you could haveIf you want to come across as more warm, more approachable, you could have pictures on your desk of your family, of your friends, of your pets, you could have54:47
  779. relics from your travels behind you, you could have heartwarming quotes behind you in your background.relics from your travels behind you, you could have heartwarming quotes behind you in your background.54:55
  780. I want you to be purposeful with the kind of signals you're sending.I want you to be purposeful with the kind of signals you're sending.55:02
  781. Every prop you have is sending a signal.Every prop you have is sending a signal.55:05
  782. Make sure it's the one that you want.Make sure it's the one that you want.55:08
  783. Keep in mind, I don't want you to activate all these cues at once.Keep in mind, I don't want you to activate all these cues at once.55:10
  784. You can end up like a body language Frankenstein, gestures, fronting, broad, nodding, vocal channeling, charisma.You can end up like a body language Frankenstein, gestures, fronting, broad, nodding, vocal channeling, charisma.55:14
  785. I would rather you pick one cue at a time and work on it until it feels natural.I would rather you pick one cue at a time and work on it until it feels natural.55:21
  786. Pick the cue that sounds the most exciting to you or that you already do naturally but you just want to dial up.Pick the cue that sounds the most exciting to you or that you already do naturally but you just want to dial up.55:26
  787. Then do one cue at a time.Then do one cue at a time.55:33
  788. Set a reminder in your phone that the beginning of every week you're going to try one new power cue or one new engagement cue.Set a reminder in your phone that the beginning of every week you're going to try one new power cue or one new engagement cue.55:35
  789. Remember, these cues are a gift for you.Remember, these cues are a gift for you.55:41
  790. They make you more impactful, but they're also a gift for your listener.They make you more impactful, but they're also a gift for your listener.55:43
  791. They make you a pleasure to interact with, a pleasure to listen to, easy to be with.They make you a pleasure to interact with, a pleasure to listen to, easy to be with.55:47
  792. The easier your message is to digest, the more memorable you become.The easier your message is to digest, the more memorable you become.55:52
  793. Investing in learning the art of communication pays off in every area of your life.Investing in learning the art of communication pays off in every area of your life.55:56
  794. If you're an incredible communicator, people listen to you, they take you seriously, your potential is seen.If you're an incredible communicator, people listen to you, they take you seriously, your potential is seen.56:01
  795. That starts with making a great first impression, showing up as warm and competent.That starts with making a great first impression, showing up as warm and competent.56:07
  796. Then it's about being an incredible listener and observing other people's cues, reading the room correctly and showing your listening by listening loudly, by making people feel heard.Then it's about being an incredible listener and observing other people's cues, reading the room correctly and showing your listening by listening loudly, by making people feel heard.56:12
  797. And lastly, we can show that we know our stuff that we're powerful and competent and capable by also being engaging, by showing someone that we're willing to invest inAnd lastly, we can show that we know our stuff that we're powerful and competent and capable by also being engaging, by showing someone that we're willing to invest in56:23
  798. our message that we become easy to listen to.our message that we become easy to listen to.56:32
  799. If we do all of these things, we become a pleasure to be with.If we do all of these things, we become a pleasure to be with.56:35
  800. We make better connections.We make better connections.56:39
  801. We're able to build community and connection with people who matter to us, whether they're new in our life, whether we work with them, whether we're friends with them, whetherWe're able to build community and connection with people who matter to us, whether they're new in our life, whether we work with them, whether we're friends with them, whether56:41
  802. we're in love with them.we're in love with them.56:48
  803. And that gives back so much to us.And that gives back so much to us.56:49
  804. I think that knowing how to truly connect and communicate is what makes life worth living.I think that knowing how to truly connect and communicate is what makes life worth living.56:51

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creaky, nuanced, distancing, jut, displace, additive
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