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Latihan shadowing: 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation - Celeste Headlee

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  1. I want to see a show of hands.0:12
  2. How many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?0:14
  3. And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?0:24
  4. You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins and my fair lady, stick to0:32
  5. the weather and your health.0:38
  6. But these days, with climate change and anti -vaxxing, those subjects are not safe either.0:40
  7. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument where our politicians can't speak to one another and0:47
  8. where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.0:57
  9. Pure research did a study of 10 ,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment we are more polarized, we are more divided than we ever have been1:04
  10. in history.1:13
  11. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other, and we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are1:14
  12. going to be based on what we already believe.1:22
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  1. Again, that means we're not listening to each other.1:26
  2. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way we lost that balance.1:28
  3. Now, part of that is due to technology, these smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.1:35
  4. According to pure research, about a third of American teenagers send more than 100 texts a day, and many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text1:41
  5. their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.1:52
  6. There's this great piece in The Atlantic that was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell, and he gave his kids a communication project.1:55
  7. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes, and he said this, I came to realize ...2:02
  8. ...2:10
  9. I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.2:11
  10. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communication skills.2:19
  11. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves, is there any 21st century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?2:28
  12. Now, I make my living talking to people.2:39
  13. Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.2:41
  14. I talk to people that I like, I talk to people that I don't like, I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level, but2:48
  15. I still have a great conversation with them.2:55
  16. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.2:58
  17. Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like, look the person in the eye, think of interesting things, topics to discuss in advance, look3:04
  18. nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.3:13
  19. So I want you to forget all of that, it is crap.!3:20
  20. I'm sorry.3:26
  21. There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are, in fact, paying attention.3:27
  22. I'm sorry.3:37
  23. I'm sorry.3:38
  24. I'm sorry.3:39
  25. I'm sorry.3:39
  26. Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.3:39
  27. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.3:46
  28. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and please God, without offending anybody.3:53
  29. We've all had really great conversations.4:00
  30. We've had them before, we know what it's like.4:03
  31. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.4:04
  32. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.4:13
  33. So, I have 10 basic rules.4:17
  34. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you're already going to enjoy better conversations.4:19
  35. Number one, don't multitask.4:27
  36. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.4:30
  37. I mean, be present.4:34
  38. Be in that moment.4:37
  39. Don't be thinking about your argument you have with your boss.4:39
  40. Don't be thinking about what you're going to have for dinner.4:42
  41. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation.4:44
  42. But don't be half in it and half out of it.4:46
  43. Number two, don't pontificate.4:50
  44. If you wanted to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.4:52
  45. No, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show, because they're really boring.5:03
  46. If they're a conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.5:10
  47. If they're a liberal or they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.5:14
  48. Totally predictable.5:18
  49. And you don't want to be like that.5:20
  50. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.5:21
  51. The famed therapist, Ebscott Peck, said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.5:27
  52. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.5:34
  53. He said that, sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind5:38
  54. to the listener.5:47
  55. Again, assume that you have something to learn.5:49
  56. Bill Nye, everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.5:52
  57. I put it this way.5:57
  58. Everybody is an expert in something.5:58
  59. Number three, use open -ended questions.6:03
  60. In this case, take a cue from journalists.6:05
  61. Start your questions with who, what, where, when, why or how.6:07
  62. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.6:11
  63. If I ask you, were you terrified?6:14
  64. You're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is terrified, and the answer is, yes, I was or no, I wasn't.6:17
  65. Were you angry?6:22
  66. Yes, I was very angry.6:23
  67. Let them describe it.6:25
  68. They're the ones that know.6:26
  69. Try asking them things like, what was that like?6:28
  70. How did that feel?6:31
  71. Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.6:33
  72. Number four, go with the flow.6:40
  73. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.6:43
  74. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question, which seems like it comes out6:49
  75. of nowhere or it's already been answered.6:57
  76. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that.6:59
  77. And we do the exact same thing.7:09
  78. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop, and we stopped listening.7:11
  79. Stories and ideas are going to come to you.7:20
  80. You need to let them come and let them go.7:22
  81. Number five, if you don't know, say that you don't know.7:26
  82. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an7:30
  83. expert in and what they claim to know for sure.7:39
  84. Do that.7:41
  85. Air on the side of caution.7:42
  86. Talk should not be cheap.7:44
  87. Number six, don't equate your experience with theirs.7:46
  88. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time that you lost a family member.7:51
  89. If you're talking about the trouble that they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job.7:56
  90. It's not the same.8:00
  91. It is never the same.8:01
  92. All experiences are individual, and more importantly, it is not about you.8:03
  93. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.8:09
  94. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he says, I have no idea.8:15
  95. People who brag about their IQs are losers.8:18
  96. The conversations are not a promotional opportunity.8:22
  97. Number seven, try not to repeat yourself.8:28
  98. It's condescending and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot, especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids.8:32
  99. We have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.8:40
  100. Don't do that.8:45
  101. Number eight, stay out of the weeds.8:46
  102. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.8:49
  103. They don't care.8:59
  104. What they care about is you.9:00
  105. They care about what you're like, what you have in common.9:01
  106. So forget the details.9:05
  107. Leave them out.9:07
  108. Number nine, this is not the last one, but it is the most important one.9:08
  109. Listen, I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.9:13
  110. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, if your mouth is open, you're not learning.9:23
  111. And Calvin Coolidge said, no man ever listened his way out of a job.9:27
  112. ...9:32
  113. Why do we not listen to each other?9:34
  114. Number one, we'd rather talk.9:36
  115. When I'm talking, I'm in control.9:39
  116. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.9:41
  117. I'm the center of attention.9:43
  118. I can bolster my own identity.9:45
  119. But there's another reason.9:46
  120. We get distracted.9:48
  121. The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.9:49
  122. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.9:57
  123. And look, I know it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.10:01
  124. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.10:10
  125. ...10:14
  126. You have to listen to one another.10:16
  127. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.10:19
  128. He said, most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.10:20
  129. We listen with the intent to reply.10:24
  130. One more rule, and number 10, and it's this one.10:28
  131. Be brief.10:32
  132. ...10:34
  133. ...10:36
  134. ...10:42
  135. All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one.10:42
  136. Be interested in other people.10:47
  137. You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.10:50
  138. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to her house, and she'd say, do you know who that10:54
  139. was?11:01
  140. She was the runner -up to Miss America.11:01
  141. He was the mayor of Sacramento.11:03
  142. She won a Pulitzer Prize.11:05
  143. He's a Russian ballet dancer.11:06
  144. And I started, I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden amazing thing about them.11:08
  145. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.11:15
  146. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can.11:19
  147. I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.11:22
  148. You do the same thing.11:28
  149. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.11:30
  150. Thanks.11:38

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recesses, interpersonal, equate, conversational, childcare, bolster
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